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Taxi for two

(95 Posts)
flowerpotgirl12 Tue 05-Nov-13 11:32:17

Hi all,

Having a general moan as frustrated and tired (being 6 months pregnant is not helping!).

I am getting seriously hacked off at being the only person who can pick up and drop off dsc, they live a 4 hour round trip away from us, so eow or every 3rd weekend, I have to drive at around 7pm to avoid the rush hour and pick them up, then on Sunday evening do the same thing.

My DP doesn't drive and I didn't at first mind doing the journey but it beginning to really drain on me, I get up for work at 6pm daily and am usually tired anyway by the evening, even more so now prg, I have said several times that i am not comfortable doing the journey in the evening as exhausted, esp. in winter as dark, weather is bad and a lot of the route has no lighting so have to concentrate harder. I said it would be easier if we could pick them up first thing Saturday morning. The EXW has said no, either we pick them up Friday or don't see them at all.

I have suggested that perhaps if she could do the Friday drop (she finished work at 3, so misses the traffic) and means that i don't have to do an 8 hr round trip over the weekend, this was met with a no, if he wants to see them he can make the effort, or on the very rare occasion it is agreed we have to pay her!

I guess i am just generally moaning as tired and am dreading this weekends trip. I have said that when i get further along in my prg and when have new born they are going to have to sort something out as not doing it, but so far my general opinion or attempt to change or amend the situation is ignored.

SoonToBeSix Tue 05-Nov-13 11:37:29

Who moved four hours away, your dp or the dc's mum?

purpleroses Tue 05-Nov-13 11:39:48

You're absolutely right that there's no way you should be doing it - will be very tough in late pregnancy, a stupid idea when you're near your due date, and impossible with a baby if you're planning to bf. So better to tackle the issue now. Does your DP not realise this?

Your DP needs to do it by public transport, or persuade his ex to do some of it. Maybe pay her petrol? Or get driving lessons, as a matter of urgency.

Otherwise you'll have a new baby and at the same time your DP will lose contact with his DCs altogether. That looks a bad way to set things up to me. They'll feel hurt and excluded by his new family. His ex will probably blame you and the new baby for her DCs losing contact with their dad, and you'll be feeling bad about it all at a time when you should be enjoying your new baby and trying to include the DSC in the new family as much as possible sad

It needs to be a clear ultimatum - Eg, I will drive this week and next, but not the following one - not just an opinion.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 05-Nov-13 11:40:32

Is public transport an option?

BatPenguin Tue 05-Nov-13 11:42:14

What does your DP say about it? Does he think it's reasonable that you are doing so much when pregnant, and what does HE think will happen when the baby is born?

flowerpotgirl12 Tue 05-Nov-13 11:48:41

She wanted to move there when they were a couple, once moved and settled she kicked him out (within 2 months) so he had to move back up here where family are. So both of them really.

Public transport has been banned on the Friday by the exw as takes to long and they would get in too late and on Sunday the trains are very erratic.

Due to a medical problem DP is not allowed to drive, otherwise i would have forced the issue by now on him learning.

We have when desperate paid her but she asks for £60 a time which is more than it costs to fill her tank and a tank of petrol is not used. It's not something we can afford to do and to be honest i resent paying for her. She wants the weekend off as much as DP wants to see them, so don't see why it can't be more even split in the driving.

She phones up and says how she can't wait for her weekend off, and pushes for us to drop kids back as late as possible on the Sunday, to the point where she refuses point blank to be in when we've asked to bring them home about 4pm, so as winter closes in another late night, bad weather drive beckoning.

flowerpotgirl12 Tue 05-Nov-13 11:50:31

I have spoken with DP and he agrees with new born and bf i won't be able to do it and later in prg but what worries me is, there is no movement yet on sorting out a plan of action for when i stop.

Then i end up being guilted by my DP, his exw, the dsc and dp family is for some reason i can't do the pick up/drop off as it means they can't see him.

BatPenguin Tue 05-Nov-13 11:59:54

That's really unfair that they are all putting so much pressure on you, especially at a time when you should be taking it easy. Is there anyone on DP's side who can help out, his parents etc? Your DP agrees at the moment that you won't be able to manage the drive when baby is here, so what is his plan? Sounds like he's all talk at the moment and I'm concerned that he will not come up with a plan of action and you will feel even more pressured to carry on with the set up when you are bf'ing.

I personally would be inclined to refuse to do it anymore, but I am stubborn and realise that others may not agree with me there,

purpleroses Tue 05-Nov-13 12:00:34

If she's keen to have her weekends off then you have a bit of leaverage - your DP should not let her call the shots about whether public transport takes too long, or she doesn't like a Saturday morning pick-up. He needs to explain that it's up to the two of them to sort it out, that you cannot help any longer and work out a plan together.

purpleroses Tue 05-Nov-13 12:02:09

I think Batpenguin is right - you should refuse to do it now unless they have a plan in place for later. Otherwise the whole thing will blow up at a time that will be really bad for you, and the DCs to stop seeing their dad.

Baabaapinksheep Tue 05-Nov-13 12:06:01

What did your dp do before he was with you?

Stepmooster Tue 05-Nov-13 12:07:58

Would you be able to meet her at a half way point? I used to do some of the driving before ex moved further away.

DSS does a combination of public transport and his mum collects him about 1/4 of the way. When there are no trains then DSS can't visit.

Could you look at more school holiday contact and less weekends?

I feel for you, with 2 little ones and quite a distance between homes we've had to accept contact will decrease unless we move. We can't afford to do that.

flowerpotgirl12 Tue 05-Nov-13 12:13:35

The problem is he literally can't dictate anything as she will just refuse contact, he has asked to meet half way but she refuses, either we pay her or do it ourselves.

She has a habit of being troublesome with contact and he wants to see them, so won't rock the boat.

We do have them for quite a lot of the holidays, eg for the whole of half term, week at xmas, a month over the summer, but it can be hard as we both work full time.

I feel guilty for not doing it as i know how much they mean to him, and the exw has already started with the "you're putting the baby before your kids" crap is we refuse to do anything at the moment and is saying it around the kids, so even more conscious not to stop contact by being stubborn.

His DP are no longer with us and no one who would be able to do the drive regularly, a one off we can probably wrangle but it's a big commitment to ask of others.

flowerpotgirl12 Tue 05-Nov-13 12:14:31

sorry his parents are no longer with us

flowerpotgirl12 Tue 05-Nov-13 12:15:48

Before we were together, he use to pay her to come up, he was living with his sister so low rent and no bills, or he would get the train. Since i have been around, the EXW has deemed the train unsuitable.

Pooka Tue 05-Nov-13 12:20:21

Is the access time formally arranged through solicitors?

I think in your dp's position I would be seeing a solicitor and getting formal arrangement and confirmation that he does not need her permission to travel on the training with them.

BatPenguin Tue 05-Nov-13 12:24:15

, or he would get the train. Since i have been around, the EXW has deemed the train unsuitable. oh so she's not making it difficult for you then hmm

BatPenguin Tue 05-Nov-13 12:25:28

How old are SC?

elskovs Tue 05-Nov-13 12:29:29

Blimey Ive got no idea why its your job... Very good of you to do it at all. You are going to have to leave it up to the mother to arrange transport. She obviously enjoys the weekends off

Kaluki Tue 05-Nov-13 12:35:14

You know this isn't your responsibility don't you?
They are his kids, he must have considered this when he moved in with you, or did he just expect you to do all the driving for evermore?
I think you need to concentrate on yourself and your health and refuse to do it anymore.
Whatever the outcome of that it is your DP and his ex wife's problem to sort and all the time you are doing all the driving they will let you.

purpleroses Tue 05-Nov-13 12:37:50

He's going to have to be brave and tackle the issue. He does run the risk of his ex saying no to doing any of the driving herself, but he could go though the courts to ensure he can take them as arranged, regardless of whether he plans to catch a train with them or not. The ex will be sensitive about the new baby being put before her own DC, but she must surely realise that YOU are not going to be doing the driving once you have a baby, and she therefore needs to work with your DP. Your DP needs to show flexibility, willingness to find a solution and make it clear how much he wants to keep up contact with the DCs, but also make it completely clear that you are no longer able to do the driving.

flowerpotgirl12 Tue 05-Nov-13 12:37:55

they're 8 and 12.

Problem is she won't arrange it, so he wouldn't see the kids, she is good at cutting her nose of to spit her face. We have had so many problems with her, that it's just one more thing, and pre pregnancy although I found it tiresome and at some points a bit of piss take as it became expected, therefore wasn't asked just assumed I would do it.

Now though as bump grows becoming more uncomfortable, and literally needing to pee every 20 minutes, so journey is taking forever, not to mention the tiredness on the Friday having worked all day and basically not getting home till 11pm having been up since 6. It's getting to much and I have spelt it out to him.

He does seem to stick his head in the sand a bit regarding courts and getting things set in stone, as he doesn't want to piss her off and get contact stopped.

Think I am more pissed off at the moment as already tired and only Tuesday and the closer Friday gets the more I am dreading it, like a black cloud looming over the week (not the kids coming the journey)

purpleroses Tue 05-Nov-13 12:41:00

8 and 12 ought to be old enough, with a bit of preparation, to put on a train at one end, and be met by the other parent at the other. That ought to be your long term goal, so that no one has to do the driving.

My DCs did a train ride by themselves including changing trains successfully this summer - aged 9 and 13. Your DP taking them by train so that they get used to the trip would be the best preparation for this.

flowerpotgirl12 Tue 05-Nov-13 12:42:49

He is being as flexible as he can with exw, he's asked her to at least at the moment do half the driving but we can't afford that as have to pay. She won't meet half way, and won't allow us to collect on the Saturday when easier (to be honest probably safer) and the train is now vetoed.

You're right though he is going to have to put his foot down and stand up for himself and start trying to get things more even done.

Kaluki -did he just expect you to do all the driving for evermore? Yup I think the pair of them really did think that I was the magic solution to it all.

They managed to sort out access for the many years prior to me being around, they will need to go back to that. Think I also need to be a bit more strong and stop feeling so guilty.

AmberLeaf Tue 05-Nov-13 12:43:07

Stop doing it as of now.

Your DP needs to sort this along with his EX, I'm sure her 'free' weekends are important to her so in the absence of you doing the drive I'm sure they will both come to some sort of resolution.

At present there is no need for your DP or his EX to sort this as you are doing it all for them.

No way would I do this under these circumstances.

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