I think my marriage is over :'((75 Posts)
You were a brave person to attempt to take all that on!
I can't relate to your situation but my first thought was run! Though perhaps, if the rest if the family is agreeable, some sort if family therapy is definitely appropriate. Would likely need to extend to all the exs too.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to help this multiply dysfunctional family. If you cannot bear it, leave it.
What a sad story! Why do you want to stay? Is it for your DS?
Your DH's inability to face up to his DC's problems and deal with them effectively is damaging his marriages. Is this why his second marriage broke down? He can feel sorry for himself all he likes, but he's got to face it.
You also have to consider what effect this is all having on your DS and what behaviour he will learn is acceptable. Is that the environment you want him to grow up in?
You have took a hell of a lot on and I think anyone reading your
Post would sympathise. You need time for yourself and time to be a mum to your little one. You know what u need to do yourself as I bet it's already going around your head a plan of action. I don't think dh is on your side tbh, why should he b when he has full time free care for his kids
Does your husband feel guilty about all the pressure u are under. What practical help is he.
I cannot see the situation ever improving as long as your dh thinks that you are the problem (and need medication and therapy).
He's laying on the guilt, it's massively unfair. I can understand your instinct to run.
I would consider showing him this thread, and any responses you get. You have set everything out very factually, not ranted, and show that you really have tried but need things to change.
With regard to therapy, to agree with you that it needs to be a couple/family thing. It is not you who needs help, it is the whole family. Also, please don't let your husband bale you feel guilty with his 'thanks, another failed marriage' routine - a more reasonable man might realise that is him who is the common denominator in all those marriages.
If I were in your shoes, it would be family therapy, with your oldest step son's full commitment, or out. There wouldn't be any other options for me.
Gosh! They are a very damaged family aren't they?
I agree you should leave. It wouldn't be too bad if your dh allowed you to parent them.
The way you feel about the 9 yr old is unfair and very sad but that's not a criticism, rather another reason to leave.
Could you move out with ds but still see dh?
Do some research about your financial situation, find out what your entitled to, then you can make an informed decision.
It's so difficult, my situation is a million times easier than yours but I still struggle at times. Personally I think you have to be in agreement over parenting/rules etc. It's very sad that you dh's response is great another divorce and child I won't live with rather than I'm sorry you feel so terrible that you want to leave let's work on this and try and make it better.
If you've tried talking to him about how you feel and he is not willing to consider you're feelings or thoughts on parenting then I can't see how it will change. Dh and I have always been together on discipline but as dss is getting older (12) dh is being softer I assume because he's aware that him coming to us is becoming more and more choice. I am quite strict with him and my own two and don't feel I treat them differently. Some things I let go because it's not worth fighting with dh over everything but others I won't. Weve had many conversations and thing are improving, he sees my side more and sees that he's gone back on our agreement years ago on always beig united in from of the children and discussing it later.
It's very difficult feeling that your thoughts and opinions are totally disregarded and I totally agree with you that waiting it out for 9 years would be a terrible idea. Your ds will pick things up and that's one of my problems too, you need to decide what's best for you and your ds and if dh isn't willing to make any changes at all then get out. You are not selfish or horrible just someone who wants to be respected and loved in their own home.
You are not to blame for any of this, you don't need therapy. Your dh and family do, they sound like they all need intensive family therapy.
He will parent your ds the same way he parents his children, unless that's what you want for them I don't think you should have any guilt in running for the hills.
I don't have any experience but felt so sorry for you reading that. You seem really put upon and I'm not sure why you feel the need to continue putting up with it so your son stays in the same house - the way your husband "parents" (or lack of) the others would make me want to get my son as far away as possible to be frank. I think for your own health alone you need to seriously consider your future and that of your son if he continues to be raised around these other kids that are not disaplined at all
make yourself and your DS happy!
don't stay anywhere that you are miserable & doubting yourself.
must be hard having such an old SS especially as he sounds like a right brat.
I think this will only work if your dh accepts that things need to change I couldn't live in a house with children that I could not parent and I'd be out the door if that happened which dp knows but then he has the same rights if my ds needs parenting be that for something good or bad. you sound like you are trying to keep all plates spinning but you can only do so much I think a discussion with dh about what needs to happen from both sides or I'd be out. sorry to say that but like you have said some things might seem small but they have a big impact on everything else especially the way you feel. I hate to pull the it's my house and you will damn well do as I say but I do when it is needed. even with little things like the bringing down washing, tidying up rubbish you leave behind ext. I do think it is easier when they are younger though I'm sorry things are so hard your ds deserves to grow up in a happy home wishing you well.
sorry I crossposted epicly there without about 7 posts
You and Dh need a long hard talk if you want to stay in the marriage. I think you need to lay down the ground rules and and then have a family meeting to discuss with all the children. Having a 9 year old not dress himself is disgraceful - a 4 year old can do this! The teens need to,understand your house, your rules, and your husband needs to support you, not undermine you.
However, in circumstances, and for your sanity and health, I think it would be perfectly understandable to walk.you have your child and health to consider.
Your DH is the problem, not you. It is not your fault that he will end up not living with another of his children.
You need to leave - this is no life, not for you and not for your son.
I feel very very sorry for his older children, but the only one you can actually help in this situation is your own son.
Your DH is just going to keep finding women to 'take up the slack' and 'blame'
You will cope financially. He will have to pay CSA and you will get benefits - millions of women cope, you will too and you and your DS will be able to be happy.
For your DS, it would be better to do it now while he's so little than later on when he realises what's happening.
Wow that sounds like a nightmare, and your husbands comments about "another failed marriage, another child i cant live with" sounds like emotional blackmail.
Honestly, for the sake of your health, both physical and mental, just go. You're not happy and you dont have to stay, if you want to leave just go
I don't think they sound like horrible kids but they need everyone on board to know that the rules of each house stick otherwise it won't work and it's not fair that you should be the one doing the nagging and getting the bad moods. everyone has their little things in their own home that they should be able to say this is how we do it. I don't like people milling about in pjs not getting washed or dressed so usually by early morning unless someone is Ill I will insist they get get ready for the day even if we aren't going anywhere it is just something I do you shouldn't feel as if you have no control over what people in your home are doing
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