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hand me downs from a partners ex?

(42 Posts)
winterst4r Sun 20-Oct-13 13:30:11

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I have been reading for ages but joined specifically because I wanted to ask for some help with something... My partner and I are in the process of moving in together. My daughter is one year younger than his, who lives with his ex. His ex and I have never ever gotten along and his daughter is not a part of our lives yet. She sees her dad but not me and my daughter. Ok so here's where it gets weird... Last week the ex gave us a bag of beautiful clothes that his daughter outgrew claiming it was the "right thing to do" I was skeptical but my partner seemed to think it was an honest gesture so we kept them and for a couple of days my daughter wore some things. I felt weird, he admitted it felt odd but said it was silly not to keep them and that he would get over it. I packed them up anyway so they can be put away. I'm worried its making him miss his daughter even more and implies somehow that he's "replaced" her. Also, I worry about what happens when the girls are reintroduced... Will they feel upset about sharing clothes and not having stuff unique to them? Can anyone with step children weigh in? Is this weird or am I overreacting? Thanks

Arisbottle Sun 20-Oct-13 13:31:34

My son had hand me downs from his step brother , never bothered me . Seems like a nice gesture to me:

Polyethyl Sun 20-Oct-13 14:09:15

Surely saving money by reusing the clothes is just sensible! I'd use the hand-me-downs.

winterst4r Sun 20-Oct-13 14:20:19

Thats what I thought but then it felt very strange seeing her in his daughters stuff.

louby44 Sun 20-Oct-13 14:31:58

No I don't think it's weird. They are just clothes.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 20-Oct-13 14:36:02

I'd consider it an olive branch from his ex.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 20-Oct-13 14:40:04

What is the plan to have DSD in your and your daughters lives? What is the ex's problem with this and why is your partner allowing it to happen?

winterst4r Sun 20-Oct-13 14:40:28

WhoNickedMyName its definitely NOT an olive branch... I'm not allowed to see her daughter

WhoNickedMyName Sun 20-Oct-13 14:42:50

Well given you're moving in together that's about to change, yes?

Because if it isn't, and your DP is happy to continue keeping you all separate then you've got bigger problems than a bag of clothes.

winterst4r Sun 20-Oct-13 14:44:46

ChippingIn... She has custody and decides when we tell their daughter and she doesn't feel that the child is ready

winterst4r Sun 20-Oct-13 14:53:26

WhoNickedMyNickname bigger problems indeed. This is why I feel the clothes are some kind of hot potato... Thinking that once his daughter has been told and everythings out in the open we can ask if she minds my daughter having her old things?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 20-Oct-13 15:00:43

Why is your DP allowing this situation to happen? (you not seeing his DD) surely he has parental rights - and if not, why not?

winterst4r Sun 20-Oct-13 15:06:08

ChippingIn... His daughter is adopted and they were unmarried. His ex calls all the shots.

elliebellys Sun 20-Oct-13 15:41:28

Didnt they adopt her jointly?

winterst4r Sun 20-Oct-13 15:45:07


winterst4r Sun 20-Oct-13 15:48:27

I'm not trying to get involved with the negotiations between them

elliebellys Sun 20-Oct-13 15:48:52

Then he does have parental his contact court ordered.

winterst4r Sun 20-Oct-13 15:53:44

Staying away from what happens between them. Hencemy discomfort with the hand me downs...

lunar1 Sun 20-Oct-13 15:59:18

I would try and take them as an olive branch unless proved otherwise.

Is your partner planning to sort contact out before you now in? If not how is it going to work for both girls?

purpleroses Sun 20-Oct-13 16:00:03

I would be cautious about your DD wearing your DSD's clothes when they're first introduced. Or at least make sure your DP has told her about your DD having her old clothes and made sure she's ok about it.

winterst4r Sun 20-Oct-13 16:08:40

Purpleroses, thank you thats what I've been thinking

Ghirly Sun 20-Oct-13 17:02:47

Once things are sorted out and you have contact with dsd then I don't think the clothes are a huge issue.

My exes daughter is 9 months older than mine but very tall for her age whereas my daughter is small for her age and I regularly get hand me downs. I really appreciate them as a lot of them are beautiful.

I hope you get the contact thing sorted. Why does the bm feel dsd "isn't ready" to meet you? What age is she?

My DS was 3 when his dad introduced him to his now step mum, he took it in his stride as he was young enough for him not to worry about the 'politics' of it all.
Now he is 8 and keeps saying he would love a step dad!!!!

Me and step mum keep things very amicable and friendly and I am genuinely grateful to her for welcoming my son into her family so I think if the adults all behave like adults then it makes the transition for the child easier.

Good luck

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 20-Oct-13 17:16:32

If they adopted her, he will have PR.

This is not 'between them' it involves you and more importantly his DD & your DD.

winterst4r Sun 20-Oct-13 17:24:29

I understand that but we all want things to be amicable. Hoping they can sort through things without going to court and enforcement of PR.

winterst4r Sun 20-Oct-13 17:25:38

Crossing fingers that it was an olive branch after all!

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