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Selfish ex and poor dss is stuck in the middle of it all

(63 Posts)
K8eee Thu 17-Oct-13 20:30:31

Dh and I have been together for nearly 3 years and we got married in February this year. Dss and I have got a really strong bond since the wedding as he has started telling me he loves me and understands me and his dad are together and I'm his step mum (not that we have pressurised this on him!) anyway, since dh and I have been together the ex has been so unreasonable and selfish since day 1.

Last weekend dss fell ill with a fever and his mum was worried. Dh said to her to take him to the hospital or phone the out of hours doctor if she was really that worried. We would've helped out but we live over 200 miles away. All her family live within 5-10 minutes from her but they've turned against helping her recently and demanded that dh and I go up there, and drop everything to go up and look after him. I am also 4 months pregnant and to be honest I didn't fancy going up there and risk catching what he had (as selfish as it may seem) we run our own business and don't have any reliable staff at the moment so find it difficult to get away.

This has resulted in her not answering dh's phone calls and texts even with him asking how dss is. Now she has got in contact because she wants money for an after school club. Am I the only one who finds this infuriating and unreasonable?!?!

K8eee Thu 17-Oct-13 21:21:59

And now I have had a sh**ty message from her on Facebook, really don't need her giving me grief whilst I'm hormonal angry

ratbagcatbag Thu 17-Oct-13 21:23:55

Ok, who moved 200 miles away? If you, I can understand why she is annoyed. What's normal contact like?

K8eee Thu 17-Oct-13 21:26:26

Between her and dh when they were together she moved in with him once dss was born and then she walked out on him and moved back to where she was originally from.

edam Thu 17-Oct-13 21:29:12

Sorry, your husband's son was ill with a fever, your dh told his Mum 'take him to hospital if you are that worried' (which sounds very dismissive and snotty), now you are surprised she's not answering your calls?

Think about it from her POV. She was worried about her son and she got the brush off from her son's father, who said something that makes it sound as if he thought she or he was exaggerating. Also sounds as if your dh refused to help.

Seems quite reasonable for her to be pissed off. You may well be 200 miles away so not of much practical help but dh should have been sympathetic and concerned. Not ridiculing his co-parent's worries and refusing to help.

I'm sure from your side it looks different, but from what you say I can see why she's upset. Where was ds's father when he needed him? Being unhelpful and grumpy, it seems.

louby44 Thu 17-Oct-13 21:30:56

No way would I be friends with my DP ex on Facebook. Infact she's blocked and has no access to me on FB.

She suggested to my DP a while ago that "they stopped being childish and could friend each other on FB". She just wants to be nosey and see what we're up to!

She can whistle!

K8eee Thu 17-Oct-13 21:32:20

Well it was all done through text message as she doesn't like to talk to him over the phone, I guess it could've been taken that way. He did suggest to her that he would've had him down here but didn't think it was a good idea that he spend a lot of time in the car if he's that unwell

K8eee Thu 17-Oct-13 21:34:01

Louby I'm not friends with her she managed to track me down somehow and sent me a private message. He message went along the lines of that she couldn't understand how on earth I was having a child with him and can I not see what I've let myself in for?

AmberLeaf Thu 17-Oct-13 21:35:28

It reads like she was worried about their son and your DH gave her the brush off.

K8eee Thu 17-Oct-13 22:01:36

Maybe if I wrote their history out it might make more sense and it would be a fairer story on all sides sad

K8eee Thu 17-Oct-13 22:03:39

I would be here a long while though

Mojavewonderer Fri 18-Oct-13 10:18:59

It's not the op's fault if the ex took the text the wrong way. What did she expect him to do? They live 200 miles away and they can't just drop everything to go and help which I am sure they wanted to do but it's not practical. The ex is a grown woman and surely can manage to look after her poorly child. She was there and could see how poorly her child was and either phone the doctor or pop up to a&e. It's what the rest of us have to do. Her ex was probably fed up with her going on when there was nothing he could do and it's worrying when you can't be there for your kids.
My ex lives 4 hours away and I don't ring him whenever one of the kids is poorly asking for help. I cope! I have had to cope when he's been in afghan for 6 months and my son was rushed into hospital or when I was 36 weeks pregnant and went into labour early with no one to help.
I think it just shows how the ex is using the child to be cruel to your husband because she wouldn't answer his texts but when she needs something she's straight there asking for a hand out! I am sure your husband pays maintenance which covers school trips and the like so where does she get off behaving like that. She's lucky he will even help out outside of the maintenance payments.

purpleroses Fri 18-Oct-13 11:10:14

I'd hazzard a guess at his ex finding you being pregnant difficult. She probably feels that her DS is gonig to be pushed aside in favour of the new baby.

It's a shame if she really won't talk on the phone, but if at all possible I'd encourage your DP to make himself available by phone for her (or skype) if she needs his involvement in making decisions over parenting when he's not at hand. It's SO easy for the tone of a text to be misread. "Take him to A&E if you're that worried" can indeed be read with a heavy load of sarcasm and dismissing of the concerns, which might not have been what your DP intended at all.

You can block people who aren't your friends from messaging you on FB btw if you want. Or you can block just specific people from doing so.

K8eee Fri 18-Oct-13 11:10:15

Thanks mojave, I'm so glad someone can see where I'm coming from.

Dh has ALWAYS paid his way. Before about 18 months ago he was paying into her bank account WAAAY over limit that the CSA suggests; £200 per month. One month because his ex wouldn't let us have dss, he withdrew £100 resulting in her getting half her money. Ever since she got the CSA involved which means she has stabbed herself in the foot as she now gets less than the original £200 she got before getting them involved.

What also worries me is how she involves dss in the arguments and tells him everything that is going on between her and dh. Dh father is trying to take her to court for visiting rights and dss knows what is happening. Surely a 7 year old doesn't need to know what is going on?! The one thing I think is wrong with the whole court order thing is that FIL hasn't asked for dh to be included in the visiting rights (surely any grandparent would involve the parent?!)

PatoBanton Fri 18-Oct-13 11:19:30

'One month because his ex wouldn't let us have dss, he withdrew £100 resulting in her getting half her money.'

Eh? On what planet is this reasonable? It's not pay-per-visit you know.

She still needed to pay for stuff.

K8eee Fri 18-Oct-13 11:21:59

He was playing her at her own game. Pathetic and immature I know, but between the two of them they're like a pair of kids sometimes. Try living with the woman giving you grief which is unnecessary and you might sympathise. Those payments were before the CSA enforced anything.

Kaluki Fri 18-Oct-13 11:26:30

K888 you had my sympathy till I read your last post.
If my ex deducted money because I wouldn't let him see the dc I'd be bloody furious.
Kids aren't Pay Per View, CM is for the child and shouldn't be used as a weapon or to control the other parent.

ihearsounds Fri 18-Oct-13 11:46:15

And the ex is being the unreasonable one?
Not suprised she went to csa when he withheld maintainance.

She is right in her fb message. Can you not see what you getting involved with having a child with a man who withholds money on a whim, and is in your own words, pathetic, immature and like a kid sometimes.

PatoBanton Fri 18-Oct-13 12:21:22

No, I wouldn't sympathise and I am questioning why on earth you are remaining involved with someone who behaves like this.

WaitMonkey Fri 18-Oct-13 12:32:56

I was also on your side until I read your last post. Now I'm just shock . How is it possible, you thought this is acceptable ?

MsWazowski Fri 18-Oct-13 12:43:33

I'm struggling to see where the ex is being selfish tbh. Her child was ill, she asked for support and got none.

Try to see things from the other perspective op, you don't know where you will be in a few years, it could be a similar situation.

BatPenguin Fri 18-Oct-13 12:49:12

Dh said to her to take him to the hospital or phone the out of hours doctor if she was really that worried. I don't see what's wrong with him saying that? I don't think that's dismissive at all. Surely that's what anyone would say if they were told a child had a fever and their mum was worried.
Your OH shouldn't have withheld money but on the other hand his ex shouldn't be stopping your DH from seeing his son and refusing to answer calls when he is concerned about his son. They are as bad as each other. He needs to get his own court order for access and continue making payments via CSA.

AmberLeaf Fri 18-Oct-13 13:02:54

Your DH is behaving unreasonably.

I suggest you heed her warning to you.

K8eee Fri 18-Oct-13 16:09:20

Well maybe if she didn't put such ridiculous restrictions on us having dss there wouldn't be so much hatred between dh and her. Dh knows that if he doesn't pay her maintenance money he isn't allows to see him. When he has confronted her on what she spends the money on all she says is rent. Well I'm sorry but if you have a child you should be expected to provide a roof over their head. Dss wasn't planned but since day 1 dh was there for her even through the time that she walked out. He went to scans and was there for the birth. We went on holiday last year to America, and dss wanted to come with us but for his mums selfish reason (which she even told us) of that she wanted the first foreign holiday with him, he wasn't allowed so he missed out. We tried explaining to her that once we have our own children it won't be for at least 7-10 years before we would go again as we don't agree with taking babies on planes but still she felt he should miss out.

purpleroses Fri 18-Oct-13 16:37:04

Dss wasn't planned but since day 1 dh was there for her even through the time that she walked out. He went to scans and was there for the birth.
So your DP was going above the call of duty by being there for the birth of his own DS? confused

If he wants a good relationship with his ex (which would be good for his DS, and less stressful for you too) he should avoid:
- cutting her child support as retaliation for a fall out over contact
- "confronting" her about what she spends the money on. She has every right to put it towards rent and doesn't have to account to him.
- sending her texts which can easily be interpreted as "[stop moaning and] take him to A&E if you're THAT worried [and stop bothering me about YOUR child]

Sounds a shame that you didn't get to take him to America, but if your DP tries to build up a more amicable relationship with his DS's mum, you'd much more likely find things easier in the future.

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