DSD is 13 and resident. Ex not problematic and sees her daughter daily. We're married now after 2 years dating. My challenges have been:
- Too much too soon.
Usually you hear this about over eager stepparents. We did family things like camping, adventures & theme parks, cinema and restaurants. After initial wariness DSD openly initiated hugs of me in front of her grandparents, other parents etc, and was forever asking when we'd get married and the baby question came up almost daily. She was also elated to be my bridesmaid; and we've done make-up tutorials together and watched films etc together too.
But honestly, sometimes the pace and level of closeness from DSD and DH has felt overwhelming, like they both wanted a perfect family, which I knew from myself being a stepchild was unrealistic, esp with DSD's own mum being so active in her life. So now I've moved in after marriage (I was there 50% of time before) and DSD closeness has dropped off big time, but more suprisingly than I expected. Am wondering about school / hormones / what's going on in the other home e.g. whether mum is being supportive about us or firing darts...
- DH communication and learning to step up and take the lead.
To his credit we are reading step family books together which feel like a life saver. I think he's still getting to grips with his pivotal role of leader, bad cop (when needs be), standing firm in our marriage so his daughter gets the best from us. Especially given point 1 above. She and I both need him to take the lead, it's getting weird when he's not at home for a couple hours; DSD and I will barely talk.
- In-laws. They live in the flat below us and we rent from them the flat above! It's not a major problem, emotional independence from parents is a bigger factor for me, but just one to watch. DH's mum has seen hubby's past relationship trials and sometimes asks how we're getting on as a 'trio'. If things are going well I might say, but I keep my mouth shut if not. (We are saving to move out - DH seems keener than me on this front, so I'm not concerned, we'll get there)!
- Grief. We all experience it but I still feel unsettled in the city I moved to join my hubby, and miss my friends, old colleagues, old home etc. Even when change is for a good reason (marriage - and I do love my hubby), it can remind me good things I miss from before.