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When do you think enough is enough and leave?

(21 Posts)
TheMumsRush Mon 04-Nov-13 15:17:52


TheMumsRush Mon 04-Nov-13 15:17:34

Need to figure out how to leave now! Married and have a house. Where do I start? It's not like I can get evicted bad go to the council

TheMumsRush Mon 04-Nov-13 15:15:14

After this last weekend !

Jenham41 Sat 02-Nov-13 12:47:31

Hi I'm new here but really struggling with being sm to 6 year old sd...dp rarely parents her and allows her to do as she pleases and we now have an 11week old dd whom he takes very little interest in and the last thing I want to do is walk away but find being undermined constantly really hard so really know how you feel x

FreckledLeopard Fri 18-Oct-13 12:27:44

I left and our decree absolute comes through this month. It was when we'd had the same argument for umpteenth time about his son and I realised that nothing would change.

So glad I walked away.

Eliza22 Fri 18-Oct-13 12:23:34

Shall send you a thanks.

It sounds dreadful. Chin up.

mrsdog50 Fri 18-Oct-13 08:53:16

There's so much hurt when the step-parent - step child relationship does not work. I actually don't blame my SS...I blame his father. It really is up to the birth parent to set limits and boundaries and PARENT a child. My friends who are step moms and get on well with their stepkids are married to men who aren't afraid to actually say "no" or "enough" to their kids. It's sad for all of us. And Reluctantstepmum...I, too, have a dog (and a cat) and there are just so many things to consider when leaving a marriage. But I do feel that I have no dignity left.

daisydoo222 Thu 17-Oct-13 21:11:15

I feel like it right now too, DSC's behaviour is rubbing off on my DS and I feel like I should maybe leave to protect my own kids.

ReluctantStepMum Thu 17-Oct-13 19:27:47

Mrs Dog, I have a very similar situation to you. My step children live with us fulltime. SS is 16 next week and has exactly the same traits as yours, although he hasn't hit me yet! It's the 17 year old daughter I cannot tolerate. She is 18 in January and is a diva with attitude. We have a spat every day, and I just boil up inside. My DH plays the Disney dad and doesn't acknowledge my despair. I do feel undermined as well, and we don't have a good relationship now because he refuses to feel my pain. I actually hate his DD due to her petulant behaviour. She is rude and disrespectful and our personalities clash. I am on the verge of leaving every week bit I love my dogs too much.

Eliza22 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:43:20

Mrs Dog.... That sounds awful. Do you have somewhere to go? I really couldn't live with that.

Poor you.

mrsdog50 Thu 17-Oct-13 17:22:41

My 17 year old step son lives with us. He has never warmed to me -- or to other people, for that matter. He only connects with his father and brother. He left his mother's home because he stated that he was very unhappy there and that he doesn't like his mother as a person. (We don't either, BTW). However, he has shown no feelings at all for his mother and he has only one or two friends at school. He doesn't go out and do things with other kids...he says he doesn't like them. He games all day long and never leaves his room. He is, in my view, very weird. My husband has always been the kind of parent who wants to be friends with his kids and he never sets limits. We agreed that step son should look for a job this summer and while I was trying to organize a job interview for him, he lied to me about it and I got mad at him. We had an argument because he insisted that he didn't lie. Then he picked up a shoe and hit me with it. And my husband basically did nothing about it. He had a talk with SS and made him apologize. That's it. I would like to add that my husband has undermined me over the past 10 years with respect to his children and we just do not see eye to eye on how kids should be raised. At the time I felt that it was the last straw. My husband and I get along and only argue over this child. Since this incident I have withdrawn completely and really only talk to the child when necessary. I am also so angry with my husband that we are very distant as well. So...Yeah. I think I'm close to leaving.

JazzTheDog Tue 15-Oct-13 19:07:25

I am very, very close right now, my eldest stepdaughter tweets all the time about how she wishes she didn't have to see me and that she only wants to see her dad. Including yesterday whilst she was sitting in my house.

I have put up with a lot of shit in the last 10 years but it's taking the piss now.

nurseneedshelp Tue 15-Oct-13 12:15:21

Blimey sounds dire, hope you find a solution.

This is all very new to me, sorry I can't help...

Eliza22 Mon 14-Oct-13 16:54:19

Thanks Nurseneeds. It doesn't stop me getting very emotional however, every time I hear about something I've supposedly said or done. I think that's the basic feeling of injustice though. For so long, I wanted to sit down and talk through the lies and nastiness but sd refused contact. Now, I wouldn't go near her with a ten foot barge pole. The Christmases roll by and I'm just grateful I don't have to sit around the table together and walk on bloody eggshells the whole time.

Last Xmas, I went out on Christmas Eve so DH could have his 3 over for dinner. I knew the youngest wouldn't come, if I were there. Unfortunately, DH mentioned my name and sd walked out. Apparently, I don't even need to be in the room, to cause a row!

nurseneedshelp Mon 14-Oct-13 13:50:19

Great advice Eliza, sorry no advice to add but i really need to let this out:
my dss is 7 and I find him such hard work. I can barely tolerate him and it makes me so sad to feel like this and I worry that its obvious to dp who is an amazing dad to my two dc and treats them all the same.

We only ever argue if dss is here and I feel so tense and find it all so stressful. His ex is very bitter and difficult so this doesn't help....

Kaluki Mon 14-Oct-13 13:42:47

The times I have come closest to leaving are when I have felt that DP wasn't backing me up. He is a lot better now and I get on well with the dsc but as they all approach their teens and his ex wife gets more and more bitter and twisted I can see there will be a bumpy road ahead.
If I ever feel it's them against me and my dc again then I will remove myself - either by detaching or actually leaving. Hopefully it will never come to that though because we are stronger together and have the potential to be quite a happy blended family.

Eliza22 Mon 14-Oct-13 09:31:09

Yes. She's 20 now. She was 11 when I met her. Her parents marriage was ended by the (now) ex-wife's affair. I met DH years later. We didn't move in/marry for 4 years as we both had young kids (me, a 5 yr old. Him an 11 yr old). It was obvious from the start that his other two kids were ok with things and we get along fine. I adore his eldest daughter and rub along just fine, with his son.

Ex wives who are bitter are not good for kids in a divorce situation when they make the trauma even harder by being emotionally unstable about their ex husband moving on, with someone else. Bearing in mind, her mum had the affair and didn't want anything to do with my now DH, she was so distraught on learning that he'd re-married that to save her emotionally, I was kept away from "occasions" so as not to set her off! Bloody cheek of it!

I got tired of lurking in the shadows like I was something he should keep quiet. If he did that to me again, to spare his cheating ex-wife's feelings, I would leave. Full stop.

Sometimes, we just don't get along with people. I saw personality traits in my youngest sd's persona which, had she been someone I worked with or an acquaintance, I'd have avoided like the plague.

I do hope things get better for you. It sounds as though your partner has a problem with parenting his daughter. He's not doing her any favours by allowing her to be badly behaved.

myusername111 Sun 13-Oct-13 22:29:12

Thanks for sharing. I assume your sd was a teenager when this happened? I am dreading those years as I can see where this is going. There is natural jealousy there but mum breeds it by saying things like she should have dad all to herself. He is a moody miserable git and takes it out on me and his other kids but treats sc differently. He never says anything to her mum about the stuff she comes out with about us and the kids either

Eliza22 Sun 13-Oct-13 21:58:16

I nearly did, once. I stayed and I'm very glad that I did. However, the reasons for my feeling that the camel's back was close to breaking have not so much changed but rather, taken themselves away for the past 2+ years. My youngest step daughter was utterly awful to me. I bit my lip and carried on welcoming her and for years she barely tolerated me. She was jealous of me and my young son, describing us as "precious". She was particularly nasty if my DH brought any small gift for me, even a little bunch of flowers. She couldn't stand it.

She took herself away when dad backed me on something trivial (seems so now) and she has refused to have any contact since. Had she not gone or at the very least, changed her attitude, I would have had no choice but to remove me and my son, from her reach.

What is your reason for asking this? Are you close to the end if the line?

myusername111 Sun 13-Oct-13 21:29:39

And what were the reasons?

myusername111 Sun 13-Oct-13 21:28:42

Out of pure interest have any of you done this?

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