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When Dads won't let you help them 'Parent' their kids

(4 Posts)
fubar74 Sun 13-Oct-13 12:36:26

As you know my SS came to stay with us, things have settled somewhat as me and DH have decided to agree to disagree which doesn't make for a very comfortable homelife, the major problem now is he says things to SS (who seems to have a mental age of about a 10 year old- and I'm not just being horrible about him here, it really seems this way!) that he really shouldn't be saying, like he is a friend of equal age and mentality and not his child, this then goes round SS's brain and comes out of his mouth at all the wrong times and is quite offensive (he uses these words as if its his).

He has found things out that he shouldn't know about and has actually cause a massive family feud (within his father's family) and of course I am stuck in the middle, my DH seemingly wanting me to take his Son's side when its his Son causing all the trouble. I have learned that my Husbands family aren't quite what they seemed and I am feeling rather uncomfortable by the trouble-making intent that some of them have, like taking offense to me deleting facebook.

Its all become very childish and side-taking and I'm not wanting any part of it, I already seem like the 'bad one' purely because I am not taken in by SS, probably because I can see things from the outside whereas his Father and Nana are emotionally attached.

Whenever something comes up, like this morning DH re-telling a rather crude joke in front of SS, I was entirely embarrassed but whispered that maybe he should watch what he reiterates in front of him, but me trying to advise him just seems like I am chastising him and he takes no notice whatsoever.

One of our arguments had me telling him to stop being his 'friend' and start being a 'father' instead and maybe things would improve.

Am I right or wrong considering me and my two (older) children have to live here too.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 13-Oct-13 15:00:38

If the way your DP "parents" is important to you, and he isn't prepared to consider your concerns, then it is likely to lead to the deterioration of your relationship.

the "Marriage Builders" relationship model refers to it as "family commitment" - and if this is one of your most important emoitional needs, then all the while your DP is "parenting" in a way you disapprove of, your love & respect for him will dwindle.

check out Dr Harleys principles - it is particularly pertinent to blended families.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 13-Oct-13 15:07:11

If you can't talk about stuff like this then that's a glaring incompatibility in the relationship I'd have thought?

It's not just his DC if you have DC as well. You have to consider their wellbeing as well.

fubar74 Sun 20-Oct-13 17:07:05

Is this ever going to get any better, things have been sort of ok for a while again until anything I say re. SS is taken as a 'pop' at him so I have said enough is enough and I am not going to have any input he can get on with it, well that wasn't taken well either, so WTF does DH want from me?? he does or or doesn't want my involvement? he tries to 'read between the lines' into everything I am saying yet I am being straight with him, the more blunt I get the worse he gets and the more he takes me wrong, I am seriously fed up with it all don't know what to do, say something, not say something, if I don't I am being being accused of ignoring his son, which I am not. I always thought there was a difference between ignoring someone and not getting involved with bringing up their 'child'.

At the end of the day SS is almost an adult himself, my two are adults but live with me and we all have a good relationship with my DH or so I thought. It seems because I have no way of separating/distancing myself from DD and DH I am in a no win situation. But this situation is not long term because of the ages of all the DC (or am I hoping too hard?)

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