Is this rude or am I over sensitive?

[Mueslimorning]

Over the years dh has in theory agreed with me that his dc (13 and 16) are relatively rude, but does little to confront them.
E.g. They seldom say hello or goodbye unless told to do so, but as dh doesn't like to appear "parental" they are simply reminded, it's never actually called rude. Ds 15 has often asked where is x, and been told they've just gone home...
Dss 13 often asks me disconcerting questions, re my job or income and such like,that are really inappropriate. Again, unless the faux pas was glaringly obvious dh would never say a thing, not even a gentle "hoho, I think that's not on," or words to that effect. Then when I react a bit taken aback/ gobsmacked it seems I'm being the difficult one as dh won't dream of setting dss right.
I also often get the feeling that dh and his ex seriously believe they and their dc are just that bit superior to ds and me (obviously money over manners) and therefore entitled to be nosey, rude etc.
Does anybody else ever see this as an entitlement issue?
( Btw, my academic credentials are higher than exw, on par with dh though...)
I really don't fancy overstepping the mark as sm, should I simply point out to ds that I often consider dsc behaviour rude and don't want him to act like that, but as dh and exw are raising them I won't butt in?
Or should I have another word with dh? When he isn't there I do mention to them to say goodbye to everyone in the house , for example, or point out something that may be considered rude. They never take offense as None is intended, but when dh is there I'd like him to say that... But he won't!

[Whereisegg]

As he is your husband, I am assuming you have been together a while...
I would totally call the dc on their rudeness if that's the case, it is your home too.

I have a dss, although he is only 11 and I have been in his life since he was 1.
My rule for any discipline with him is, if I would say something to the other dc, then I say something to him.

[Stepmooster]

They are 13 and 16, if any teenager mine or otherwise asks an inappropriate question, or is deliberately rude to me I wouldn't stand for it. I would be polite and firm, but not rude back. I am not the sort of person to let another adult talk to me like that either, and I don't see why children should be allowed to do so.

[cathpip]

I have pulled my dss up once for being rude to me in front of his dad, (years ago) I had had enough of the rude cheekiness, his dad (my dh) did start to have words later when dss had gone home as he didn't get to see him often so never ticked him off. I simply said that irrelevant of who it was, he was rude and needed to be told and I would of done the same for any child. It's never happened since, dss knows there is a line and does not cross it now.

[Mueslimorning]

Thanks for your replies.
I basically feel the same, and don't generally have a problem telling the dsc they are being rude when it's just them and me.
My real problem is dh, he's there yet "absent".
I used to make allowances for his Disney parenting when he saw dsc regularly but felt he had little input. Now that dss in particular lives with us 50:50 (and it was dss idea!) I don't see why dh still hides behind the "but I don't see him that often" excuse (it was never a viable excuse btw, loads of contact, always).
I suppose I'm just trying to find out here if anybody thinks its ok to be rude to "common people" (I'm a teacher, dh and exw are middle management, and perhaps I just don't appreciate this massive social divide..), or they , including dh, are simply being blatantly rude...
Thanks again for your support xx

[Whereisegg]

Release the teacher voice

If your DH wants to actively raise rude children because he wants to be their mate, then let them be rude to him.

It is hard being a sm, but I have never gone wrong with the "if he was mine...." way of thinking yet.

[Optimist1]

You might find it beneficial when being asked inappropriate questions just to ignore and say nothing at all. It took me years of being an adult to try this, and it can be very effective indeed. And if you used this method no-one can accuse you of over-stepping (see what I did there?) the mark.

[Kaluki]

I also often get the feeling that dh and his ex seriously believe they and their dc are just that bit superior to ds and me
This would worry me more than his rude children (which is unacceptable). Do you really feel that your own DH and his ex wife look down on you because you are 'just' a teacher and they are middle management?

[Mueslimorning]

Loads of good advice here, thanks!!
Kaluki, in a word yes. This was not always the case, however,,when dh and I met he made it clear that he personally embraced a more down to earth approach to parenting, it was the "ex and her family" that encouraged clan thinking and the idea that they were all terribly posh, brilliant over achievers... Needless to say, none of that is actually true, and the only thing that remains to support their sense of entitlement is rudeness.
It has also become quite clear to me that dh, while pandering to me and my more child centered approach to parenting, obviously gets some weird pleasure from his kids aloofness?!?
I can't change that and have enough worries of my own atm so I'm going to combine above advice and "detach using a teacher's voice" until I feel pissed off again more energetic

[Mueslimorning]

Ok, gobsmacked again.
Dh and I recently had words about money and sharing of same. So now he is really trying to be upfront about income etc., actually showing me statements. Yesterday evening, Even though he was being quite subtle about it and mumbling some jargon, dss happened to hear the subject was about money, immediately quizzed his dad what he was taking about and when we both ignored his interruption, he went up to his dad and tried to read the paper he was holding. Dh did not say a thing. I told dss to mind his own business and he stopped being inquisitive immediately. Just needed to be told to respect boundaries.
I realize its a small problem, but its a continuing irritation. It seems really insulting, as if dss is spying for his mum or something (or slowly turning into her? She has control issues), who btw has always received maintenance "above and beyond the call of duty'. It's like dh must "explain himself" to dss, not just money, though, as soon as we leave the house for any errand , dss insists on getting the details and a report when we come back (ds, btw, shrugs or we get a "whatever" ...). And dh is a hands-on dad, attending schools functions etc.
at least dsd is socially v active and has eased off the interrogation...

I sometimes feel dss thinks he owns his dad and this then leads to inappropriate behaviour?

I know I sound irritable, but I'm trying to understand this behaviour to get a better grip and be able to address it more efficiently. I realize that dh feels perplexed and helpless, but I'd like to help him be a parent.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

We have had this. Dss 16 makes a mental inventory of all dh's expenditures, and once listed all the money dh had spent which wasn't on him.

I can only assume it is the result of his mother commenting on how dh chooses to spend his money and offering her opinion in a negative light. Dss has turned into a completely entitled individual, who thinks his dad owes him despite having been privately educated, admittedly 'dossing' at school and is now doing precisely nothing with his life.

Your ss is however younger so I would give him the benefit of the doubt but explain to him that everybody spends their money differently, and that it is ultimately up to the person who earns it how it is spent!

[Mueslimorning]

Thank you around,
I fear dss is heading in the same direction (private school and all).
And you're probably right about his mums comments.
When dh and I got together, he told me his ex said he wasn't to spend money on me and my ds that he could spend on his dc, wtf? The dsc had and are still living an excessively privileged lifestyle, but I think the more you have the more you begrudge others...