DSD coming home tired and emotional

[fairy1303]

That's it really. Contact with mum is sporadic, but for last few months has been once a week, usually a Friday or a Sat night. Every single week, without fail, DSD is returned beyond exhausted, brink of tears at any little thing and stroppy. Every weekend. It is getting beyond a joke - she is so tired she can barely function.

I do know that mum doesn't have a bed for DSD so they share but she must be going to bed ridiculously late to be like this.

iim sure we can't be alone in this problem - DH doesn't want to discuss it with mum because he thinks that although it is not great, it could be a lot worse (She was very neglectful when DSD was little) and that unless it is harmful, what she does on her time is up to her.

How can we deal with it? It's becoming ww3 every Sunday in our house!

[JessePinkmansBitch]

How old is she? Is she old enough to tell you what time she goes to bed and what's going on at the weekend?

[fairy1303]

She's 8 - but so loyal to her mum she just wouldn't tell us. her mum has drummed into her a complete culture of 'don't tell daddy' - She literally will tell us nothing about anything to do with mummy.

[LaurieFairyCake]

I have this with foster children and it's not an option to 'do' or say anything so I just make sure we have nothing planned for the day after and put a relaxing film on, make hot chocolate

They inevitably doze off in front of it.

I think it's easier to just write off the day than try to do anything

[Mynewmoniker]

Offer lots of hugs and cuddles. She'll tell you in her own time.

[fairy1303]

Thanks all - it never used to be this bad but I suppose she never had her overnight before so this is new for all of us.

[mumtobealloveragain]

A long shot I know, but...

Does her mum know what time she needs to be going to bed? If she's only just staying overnight now then perhaps she isn't aware how much sleep an 8 yr old/DSD in particular needs?

Or perhaps she wants as much time with her as possible so makes the most of the 1 night and keeps her up late?

[purpleroses]

Would it help to buy her a Readybed to take with her? If she used it other times too it might be nice and familiar for her and help her sleep better. Could you or your DP reassure her that she can tell you what goes on if she wants, and you promise not to give her mum a hard time about it - ie her mum need never know she's told you?

[fairy1303]

She wouldn't sleep on the ready bed it don't think - firstly it would be a 'criticism' of mum - or at least mum would see it that way and would winge to DSD - we have reassured her and told her that mum won't be in trouble etc - a few months ago we had a saga where mummy was pregnant, told DSD but DSD was not allowed to tell anyone - culminated in mummy having a miscarriage in front of DSD and DSD still not being able to tell us.

She won't tell us anything. I find it really worrying.