Struggling with the whole situation

[Claire2390]

Bit of insight- my stepson H was conceived by ai from a sperm donor that was meant to be anonymous upon his birth decided he wants 50/50 parenting.
He did nothing the court told him to do until H was 2 1/2 wen the court said if he doesn't do something it will be thrown out of court.
We had a report done that stated that the donor sees H as somewhat of an object and possession! This had been apparent throughout and still is!
Overall donor has been given 5 hrs wed 3hrs thursday and 8hrs every other sat!
Donor is usually pretty arkward and difficult at change over not telling us of accidents H has had until we question bruises. Hes been telling H not to tell us things and thn telling us he never said such a thing!
I have to do hand overs as my partner works and i do most of the child care, this is difficult as donor wont talk to me at all as I'm " nothing to do with his son"
My problem is i have been trying my best to be all happy and friendly to this man i cant stand because H gets very upset about going and research says it helps if they see people get on! I can no longer keep up this charade wen he continues to be an arse!
My partner is getting very upset that i keep going over and over it as i cant get him out of my head because i don't no how to fix the situation! I just want what is best for my step son but i don't know how to deal this any more! My partner isn't the one that has to sit with him at night, after contact, sick because he's fed him crap all day or peel him off to go with a man he doesn't like or trust or clean him up after he has accidents because he wont go for poos with him!
Can anyone give me sone direction how to deal with hand over? When instead of being forced to say " say bye to daddy" id like to throw the door in his face soon as ive got my boy back! Hope this mkes sense!

[purpleroses]

Sounds a really awkward situation all round - you clearly don't have much respect for your DSS's dad's role in his life, and nor does he have any for you :( Can see why your partner would be upset that DSS's dad has changed his mind about seeing his DS, but people do have a right to change their minds. Continuing to see him as "the donor" might not be helping matters.

Why is your partner so uninvolved in DSS's care? Was it always the plan that you would be his main carer, or has it just worked out like that? Can she do anything to explain to DSS's dad that she and you are a couple and that she trusts you to care for him, so he needs to give you some respect, or at least be civil with you?

Getting the handovers to be via school or nursery might help.

You might also be better off posting in lone parents, as I've seen lots of posts there from people struggling with having to send young children off to their dad's who don't want to go. I think you could ask advice on behalf of your partner and it wouldn't matter that you aren't actually the parent.

[Claire2390]

Yeah it was always the plan that i would stay home and care for the kids! I have tried to accept him as his father but he took it to court to get contact n then leaves the care of him to his mother or 11yr old brother which is why i feel H is more of a possession than a son. I feel as though hes made no effort to be a father just to have a piece of paper saying hes his! We have explained the dangers if telling him not to tell us things, and to lie to us and never feeding him properly and telling him that both me and his step brother are nothing to him, even the courts have explained this to him and yet its not changed which isnt exactly fatherly! We have asked many time for him to try n be polite n talk to me respectfully essecially infrint of h and its doesnt seem to mke a difference! He doesnt yet attend any nurserys or anything but i was unsure if a 3rd party would mke it harder or easier for H as ge does get very unsettled!

[sanityseeker75]

Sounds tough, if ai and meant to anon how did it come about that it wasnt? ( Dont know huge amount about laws about it sorry).

Were the two of you together at the time and it was meant to your child?

I think you need to insist that your partner helps with drp offs for a short time to give you a break or is there a family member that could help you both. Doesnt matter what he thinks you are part of lo life as the main carer.

[Claire2390]

Yeah he was meant to be my son. Unfortunatly we werent civil partnered at the time which left the window open for a second parent. And with the push of his mother finding out he decided he wanted 50/50 court ruled at 19 yrs of age he was too young to mke a desicion of being an annoymous donor.

[purpleroses]

That is a mess of a setup to start with isn't it? But I guess you do have to try to make the best of it. He absolutely needs to accept your role as a parent of DSS and in practice his main carer.

How old is H? Over 2.5 from what you've said. Maybe starting a nursery or playgroup would be good for him - just a few hours a day. I think you can get 15 hours for free from age 2.5. Might get him more used to being away from you, which might then help him feel being with his dad, as well as providing a potential pick-up/drop off point.

[Claire2390]

Hes just 3! He wont be starting nursery school until sept which is a year away yet. We have been looking at send both boys to a playgroup, as my other son is never away from me, i worry he wont adjust to me not being there if i dont start him soon. His father takes H to a parent n toddler group as thats wht the court order states he has too i suppose an option for that day would be to drop him off there. I just wish there was some getting through to this man. Yet again he told H to lie to us about sonething yday, stressing the importance of teaching H to tell the truth just doesnt seem to sink in! Im sure theres plenty of people that have difficults with things like this just what can u do?

[purpleroses]

I think a playgroup for them both would be great for them. So they've both never really been apart from you until a few months back, when H's dad came into his life and started to take him out for the day. For a child not yet used to being away from you I think it's not really surprising that he struggles. Playgroups are great for 3 year olds and help them gain a bit more independence. Could you also take them both along to the toddler group on other days when DSS is not with his dad - the same one the dad takes him to? That might help it seem less scary to be there with his dad.

You're absolutely right that his dad should not be telling him to lie to you - though sounds like your DSS is a sensible boy who knows he should always tell you things. I don't know what you can do to imprint this on his dad, apart from trying not to react badly when DSS does tell you things you don't approve of, so that his dad relaxes a bit and doesn't feel that his parenting is being judged or that he needs to keep things from you.

Both my DCs have been through phases of not wanting to go to their dad's when young. Thankfully I did generally trust that my ex was doing a reasonable job, so it was an easier situation than yours. But dealing with the basic separation anxiety sounds like a large part of the problem - as well as accepting that the nice intact family you'd planned with your DP isn't going to be left alone as you'd wanted it to be. DSS's dad is very young, so might grow up yet and find things easier once DSS is a bit older.

[Claire2390]

Well the parent and toddler group his dad takes him too is only one morning a week so we cant take him thier but we did offer him my parent and toddler group so he was already happy with the enviroment but his father said its his right to pick his own. And like with everything else cant argue for H s sake! Ive accepted that hes always going to b a part of our lives and well i hope he is now hes become someone in my boys life, if that mkes sense! Just like most things with parenting its difficult to know what the best thing to do is!