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What does shared residency actually involve?

(192 Posts)
nicknamegame Tue 01-Oct-13 22:29:56

I don't wish to start a thread about a thread as I know it's not the done thing, so if you want some background - I posted on AIBU last night.

Basically what I'd like to know is what a shared residency order actually involves in terms of decisions made regarding the child. I know that issues such as schooling etc needs to be joint, as well as medical care, but what about changing the child's appearance? My dd's hair has been cut quite short without letting me know and I wondered where this all falls under the 'shared' residency. (If it does at all)


Anyone have an order that they can shed some light on regarding these matters? (Perhaps it's a legal question I need to ask, apologies if so)

eslteacher Sun 06-Oct-13 19:37:57

I think the fact of the hair cutting isn't so bad, it's more the manner in which it was done and above all the fact that your daughter was told not to tell you, that starts to make me think there is a bit of nasty game-playing going on. A 6 year old girl shouldn't be getting told to keep things from her mother, that's just not right.

Just a word though about your DD referencing her DSM a lot, giving you the impression that she prefers her way of doing things or whatever. I was totally shocked recently when my DSS's mum (who I get on with really well) told me that DSS (8) talks about me often when he is with his mum, and references how much he likes my cooking and a few other nice things. I would NEVER have guessed this if I hadn't been told. Although DSS and I get on well we don't have a particularly touchy-feely or affectionate relationship, I am not really maternal towards him at all and if anything I tend to think that he doesn't really care whether I am around or not. So I was blown away to hear that he often speaks fondly of me when he's at home with his mum.

So based on this, I wouldn't worry too much about being pushed out of the 'mother' role (as I read on your AIBU thread). Just because your DD talks about her DSM in positive terms or references her way of doing things, I really don't think that means she necessarily sees her as a mother figure or has a strong maternal bond with her or anything. Maybe at a push I cook better than DSS's mum and he likes a few other things about the way I do things, but it doesn't affect AT ALL the fact that he and his mother have a bond and relationship that I will never have with him in a million years and never could.

nicknamegame Sun 06-Oct-13 21:01:43

Thank you all for the perspective. I appreciate the input.

I notice Bonsoir still hasn't come back with her evidence of my neglect of my child. Quite how you can actually
make a statement like that on a public forum, challenge the OP on how this 'neglect' can be proved - then simply not provide evidence for it, is fucking laughable.
No one takes you seriously for these very reasons Anna. Do you see that? Insulting, sanctimonious, pomp does not make you a good step parent, and I feel sorry for the mother of your step children having to battle you. (yes, battle)

To the other posters, yes my dd was told to keep the haircut from me. Her last cut was in the summer and was merely a 'trim' carried out at the hairdressers- certainly nowhere near as drastic as the cut I was faced with recently. There is no doubt in my mind that in dealing with my child's sm that I am not dealing with a step parent that is representative of step parents in general. She sees the parenting of my dd as a competition that she must 'win' and if that makes my dd uncomfortable or distressed, she can live with that.

purpleroses Sun 06-Oct-13 22:08:35

Do you know Bonsoir in real life OP? I agree completely that she's been very rude on this thread, but not sure you should be giving her real name out hmm

nicknamegame Sun 06-Oct-13 22:44:07

No, she also goes by Bonsoir Anna (or did), I've heard her spout her tripe for years so am annoyed with myself for letting her wind me up.

Praise be that I don't know her in RL

Xalla Mon 07-Oct-13 06:08:50

Nickname if you don't mind me asking, how old are your DD's SM's other kids? I can see she has an infant daughter. Are there others?

nicknamegame Mon 07-Oct-13 08:23:39

Yes older though, 12-13

nicknamegame Mon 07-Oct-13 08:24:18

Age I mean, 2 older ones of around that age!

Stepmooster Mon 07-Oct-13 08:25:24

Hi Nicknamegame, I am a bit late to this thread, which seems to have gone off at a tangent. I like to discuss the topics raised on SP with DH in order for us to get different pov, to understand the other side and hopefully do the right thing by DSS.

Anyway, the subject of haircuts. DH went absolutely livid when SF shaved off all DSS hair a few years ago, I think he was about 8 years old. DH used to take DSS to the barbers with him once a month as a 'thing' they did on one of his EOW. So I suspect he felt exactly the same as you to find DSS there with no hair as it were.

I think that DSS probably just went along with SF haircut because at that age I doubt he cared much, although I suspect home haircuts at age 11 are mortally embarassing.

It happened right in the midst of a legal battle (divorce settlement). There was no point in DH asking his ex to not cut DSS hair, she would not listen, and as he was paying for all the barber's trips and had been for some time he too took the shaivng all the hair off as an act of hostility. So DH asked his son if he could agree that daddy should take him the barbers (combined with a trip to the bakers for a bacon sandwich), and DSS agreed. So I suspect DSS must have told his SF or mum that as he never turned up with no hair since.

i also wonder, if like my DH who only sees his son EOW and who has no control over schooling choices, when he is taken to the dentist or doctor (DH is very cautious, his ex is a wait and see if it clears up on its own person - as am I to some extent), whether or not your ex just really wants to be involved in more parental decisions. I realise he's gone completely the wrong way about it, alienated you, has set his partner up as the new mummy and tension is at an all time high.

Xalla Mon 07-Oct-13 09:05:33

I suspect as the baby grows up you may find she loses interest in your DD to some extent although I admit, I'm still baffled as to why she's so intent on 'parenting' your DD given that she has two older kids of her own.

I've seen a lot of (generally childless) well-intentioned women extremely anxious to prove to their DPs / DHs just what fantastic stepmothers they can be in the early days and then once they've gone on to have their own children, realise that parenting someone else's child, whether you're doing it off your own back or being expected to by your DH, is no walk in the park.

Bonsoir Mon 07-Oct-13 10:19:35

"Insulting, sanctimonious, pomp does not make you a good step parent, and I feel sorry for the mother of your step children having to battle you. (yes, battle)"

My DSSs' mother loves the choices DP and I make for her DC. Only this morning did she call DP to give him her feedback on the university that DSS started at two weeks' ago (she had never set foot there in her life and left all the work up to us) - she thought it was fantastic, amazing, wonderful choice etc. There is no battle. I don't necessarily always feel so fantastic about having all the work left up to us, but at least it is fully appreciated for what it is.

Kaluki Mon 07-Oct-13 10:54:12

It must be great to be so perfect Bonsoir! We are lucky to have you on here to guide us and teach us the error of our ways!!!

Bonsoir Mon 07-Oct-13 10:56:58

All I am trying to do is point out to the OP that (a) her exH and his wife may not be wrong in their parenting choices (b) she risks pissing her DD off big time if she doesn't take as good care of her as her father's household does, with consequences further down the line.

She is making a fuss about nothing.

Kaluki Mon 07-Oct-13 11:02:24

And how exactly is her fathers household taking better care of her?
I'm not being picky but I just din't see how OP is being neglectful and father and SM are the better parents.
Still no evidence to back any of this up???

basgetti Mon 07-Oct-13 11:12:53

So is telling a 6 year old to lie to her mother an example of this good care Bonsoir? Or is emotional welfare irrelevant as long as the child goes hiking and to museums?

Bonsoir Mon 07-Oct-13 11:18:09

Read the thread, and the OP's other threads, for evidence. I really don't think it is kind or pleasant to the OP to list all the examples here. I'm not having a go at her or trying to make her feel bad - quite the contrary.

Given the OP's OTT reactions to any bit of parenting the father and stepmother do, I am not surprised they didn't want the OP's DD to start talking about it to her mother during her weekend with her father.

clam Mon 07-Oct-13 11:25:09

Whenever I've taken either of my two to the doctor regarding warts of verrucas, I've been effectively told to stop fussing as they'll sort themselves out and go away in their own time!

Bonsoir Mon 07-Oct-13 11:26:19

That has never been my experience and, frankly, when you have three other DC to consider, it is perfectly reasonable to want to protect your other children from infection.

clam Mon 07-Oct-13 11:27:45

You're not in the UK, I believe, bonsoir?

Bonsoir Mon 07-Oct-13 11:32:40

I have lived in several countries, including the UK (where, indeed, I gave birth) and I am well acquainted with GPs in many countries. My GP in France is English.

basgetti Mon 07-Oct-13 11:33:29

I have just taken your advice Bonsoir and read the OP's other threads. It appears ExH's desire to protect his other children from infection doesn't extend to chickenpox, as he threatened the OP with all sorts of legal action unless she dragged her DD from her sick bed and presented her for contact.

Bonsoir Mon 07-Oct-13 11:36:35

Indeed, that makes perfect sense, since all DC need either to be vaccinated against chickenpox or to have the disease at the earliest possible opportunity.

basgetti Mon 07-Oct-13 11:58:12

Not in the UK. The chickenpox vaccine isn't part of the immunisation program and people aren't advised to spread it.

Anyway, you seem to have some kind of agenda against the OP. Maybe you just enjoy upsetting people. It is great to be controversial and offer different perspectives but not when it comes to attacking perfectly good parenting and defending the emotional manipulation of children.

nicknamegame Mon 07-Oct-13 12:10:51

Bonsoirs most recent post only serves to confirm for me that she now needs to 'win' this argument, no matter how ridiculous she sounds. She is now the voice of medical reason on top of being a parenting oracle. Sometimes Bonsoir it is OKAY to admit you're wrong. You are completely wrong in your assertions that I neglect my dd, and despite my having asked you (indeed, implored you) to trawl through my posts for evidence, you can't do it, because the evidence simply doesn't exist. With every post, you confirm for me just how silly you are.

clam Mon 07-Oct-13 12:18:36

Current advice, given to me from GPs currently practising in this country for the NHS, is to not prescribe treatment for verrucas and warts. They said I was welcome to buy ointment over the counter if I would like, but that it was better to leave them be.
Anyway, this is nothing much to do with this thread. Just an observation on my part.

Bonsoir Mon 07-Oct-13 12:22:32

The chickenpox vaccination is a parental choice - it is more convenient for some families to deal with the necessary evil that is chickenpox through vaccination than by natural infection. But that does not change the position I took below one little bit. It makes perfect sense for the OP's DD to go to her father's home with chickenpox and for her father's home to insist on warts being treated.

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