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Absolutely unbelievable DSD is taking the p**s!!!

(109 Posts)
louby44 Wed 18-Sep-13 18:34:20

So DP eldest DD15 has blanked him for 2 months. He's made a bit of progress with DD13 and took her out for lunch on Saturday which he really enjoyed but DD15 refused to go. She did speak to her dad for 5 minutes though.

She has just text him to ask if he can put £25 in her bank account!!
Her mum won't add any more as she already gives her £40 a month and a further £50 every 3 months (for clothes).

DP hasn't even replied to her. I cannot believe that she has the cheek to text her dad to ask for money, it just sums her up!

She should pack in smoking and learn to budget.

louby44 Sat 21-Sep-13 17:18:21

He won't give up on them, it took him years to conceive them. He loves them both very much but DSD15 is pushing both her parents to the limit. There is only so much hurt and abuse you can take.

She is angry (I think) about her parents split, the fact that DP moved away to live with me and also her mum's relationship with her partner broke down last October so stability there went. She also began to mix with a new group of friends. Plus the usual teen hormones. All adds up to one unhappy girl.

What worries me is that DSD13 is uniting with her sister and copying her behaviour.

LtEveDallas Sat 21-Sep-13 16:14:58

You may never give up, but plenty would and tbh, I don't think you can say that without any insight into a violent relationship. You don't know how much you can take.

If I had a child that was violent towards me, how much should I take? If I was a battered wife then everyone would be shouting 'leave the bastard'. If I went back for more and more beatings, people would say I was a lost cause. At what point do you apply that same logic to a violent parent child relationship? Some kids are bigger and stronger than their parents at a very early age - my DNephew for example towered over his mother from the age of 13 onwards - if he had violent tendancies he could have killed her I expect.

I love my DD unconditionally. She is the absolute light of my life, but she's 8. If she starts hitting me when she is 10/12/15 I can't say now how I would feel about her then.

I adored DSD, but when she went through the horrible teenage years, as many do, I had to step away from her. Her actions back then changed the relationship we have now. I love her, but not as I did. Maybe OP feels the same and maybe OPs DH will do if his daughter doesn't stop and think about what she is doing.

louby44 Sat 21-Sep-13 16:14:30

Yes I'm pushing him to join with his ex to make a united front. They are fairly civil now with each other.

But its whether or not the DD will go to some sort of counselling. He's told his ex to cut off the money she gives to them. She's giving them money every month and they abuse her by swearing and being aggressive. She needs to hit them where it hurts.

randomAXEofkindness Sat 21-Sep-13 16:03:25

But I think that's a parents choice lteve not an inevitable fact of life, as it seems to have been portrayed here.

If my dd acted in the way this dsd has I would be absolutely beside myself, but I would never give up on her. On the contrary, this girl needs help more than most. My love, respect and support for my children is unconditional: it isn't dependent on her behaviour towards me. And I'm certainly nowhere close to 'the best of men.."

LtEveDallas Sat 21-Sep-13 12:50:39

RandomAxe (apt nickname). If you don't give other people love, attention, respect, kindness, hope, attention, pity, warmth, engagement, trust and on and on - you can't expect to get it back.

OPs DSD is throwing back all her fathers attempts. Pretty soon there will be nothing left for him to give. And he will give up. She needs to understand that, needs to realise that she will end up with no-one and nothing is she continues to be horrible to people, continues to push people away. Even the best of men (and women) won't give all the time for ever.

LtEveDallas Sat 21-Sep-13 12:36:45

Oh Hell Louby, that's harsh. She certainly needs help. Can DH and his Ex be civil? Could they work together to solve this one? I really think that a joint effort will be needed here - because it's not just her dad she is railing at is it?

I'm afraid I know very little about CAHMS etc. My DSD was a cow, but never this bad and never violent, and I'm lucky with DD, she's pretty even tempered. Doesn't the SS have the ability to help in situations like this? There has to be someone on here who would know more - how about posting in Teenagers?

randomAXEofkindness Sat 21-Sep-13 12:33:45

"Some kids need to realise that they need to 'give' to 'get'.

Cold. Even Peter Singer, the philosopher who argues for a 'tit-for-tat' based society, makes an exception of the family circle.

louby44 Sat 21-Sep-13 10:52:24

Dallas thank you thanks you seem to have a measure of our situation.

DP text his DD15 last night to tell her a friend of his had been killed on his way to work yesterday (DD knows the deceased son). He wanted to make her see that life is short and that family is important etc.

The texting quickly became an argument; she has turned into a real nasty piece of work. Goading her dad, telling him his attempts to win her back with cards, flowers and apologies have all failed. She was basically laughing at him. She has considered coming to stay but not if I'm here!! He told her that we both love her and miss her and she is welcome here anytime.

It meant nothing! She doesn't care. She told her dad to stop texting her. She is digging herself a bigger and bigger hole. She put on Facebook that she has no parents.

This girl needs help!

LtEveDallas Sat 21-Sep-13 10:32:24

Sorry OP, cross posted. Sounds like CAMHS is the way to go, but don't expect miracles. Your best hope is that DSD 2 is just copying DSD 1, and that a firm hand and counselling now will help to nip it in the bud.

Otherwise, I'm sorry, but all I can suggest is 'time'. My DSD was pretty horrible between 14-16, but she did come through (in all areas except cash). And thinking about it, I was a pretty rotten 14 year old, so maybe time is what you need.

LtEveDallas Sat 21-Sep-13 10:28:31

The OPs husband HAS acknowledged the damage he has done. He has apologised profusely, over and over again. OPs DSD has decided to use his actions as a stick to beat him with (pun unavoidable), despite his distress, his apologies and her own bad behaviour.

OPs DSD has also previously received a police caution after attacking her mother. Her actions have crossed a line too.

The situation the DSD finds herself in is of her own making.

CSA is generally the easiest and most secure way of paying a specified amount of maintenance. It was set up for that reason. Why would a NRP not use it?

What axe do you have to grind here onebuddah?

louby44 Sat 21-Sep-13 10:23:37

Money paid by CSA as that is what is ex wife wanted.

Yesterday DSD15 had a fight with her mum, she hit her mum and was very aggressive towards her and called her 'a fucking cunt' - she then told her mum she hated her and didn't want to live with her. Both daughters then left to stay with friends. She only asked them to tidy their rooms.

DP spoke extensively with his ex-wife last night as the girls are totally out of control. Ex w says she cannot live with them anymore and is seriously considering involving the police and social services. They talked about them coming to live with us but that won't happen. DSD 15 is in GCSE year and they live 40 miles away so a change of school isn't a good idea.

Plus they don't want to live here, relationships with their dad are still not good and they have suddenly decided they don't like me either. Apparantly 'we have never got on' (news to me) and 'I've always looked down on them' (news to me again) only ever been kind and loving towards both girls in the 6 years I've known them.

DP has suggested contacting CAMH's to ex wife - who didn't know what that was! He says he will go to family counselling if needed.

DSD15 is totally out of control. It is horrible!

Onebuddhaisnotenough Sat 21-Sep-13 10:04:17

And seeing that most of you seem to believe that the money is more important than the violence, OP why is maintenance having to be paid via the CSA ?

Onebuddhaisnotenough Sat 21-Sep-13 10:00:46

This is the only part of MN on which a grown man hitting a child is validated and congratulated. How about you post on chat or relationships OP. Because the projecting and bitterness dressed up as 'support' and 'advice' here will do nothing to help this child deal with the situation she finds herself in. No her behavior is not acceptable. But his has crossed a line so badly that unless he acknowledges the damage that he has done, his relationship with his child may be over for good.

louby44 Fri 20-Sep-13 19:04:45

I don't feel flamed. It's interesting to hear different views.

It's very difficult to be involved with teens when the don't want you in their lives!

elliebellys Fri 20-Sep-13 18:32:29

China,no need to be so rude is there..the backstory is part of it.

curlew Fri 20-Sep-13 18:28:31

So we're not allowed to refer to the backstory or put her behaviour in any sort of context?

ChinaCupsandSaucers Fri 20-Sep-13 18:24:39

curlew The OP is ^ there at the top of the page if you're having trouble wink

curlew Fri 20-Sep-13 18:11:35

Really? I thought it was at least in part about him
hitting her.....

LtEveDallas Fri 20-Sep-13 18:07:12

Nothing curlew. But then that isn't what the thread was about. The thread was about the OPs DSD rejecting her father when it suited her and then asking for money

curlew Fri 20-Sep-13 18:04:43

"I will never, ever advise a rejected parent to pander to the demands of a blackmailing teen and neither would DSD "

Neither would I. And that has exactly what to do with an adult hitting a child?

Brotherhoodofsteel Fri 20-Sep-13 16:51:58

Ok gonna get flamed but sometimes a short sharp shock is the only thing that will get through to someone who has completely lost it and is acting like a wild animal.
I doubt many people could have handled it better to be honest. He obviously couldn't walk away or restrain her while she was going at him and the slap probably just jolted her out of the red mist.
My dad once slapped me when when he lost his temper, it was the only time he ever laid a finger on me and I deserved it. He never apologised and I never expected him to and I wasn't doing anything half as bad as the op's dsd was doing. We are close and never fell out over it, I love my dad to bits.
Dsd is just using it as an excuse to blank your partner and have a legit reason for treating him like crap.
She sounds like a total nightmare and I hope she grows out of it.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Fri 20-Sep-13 16:31:24

China your dsd rejected your family. Did she get to grieve for the one she lost? Was she allowed to have say in how her new family looked, the time scale, was she given time to spend with her father without you there? You sound so bitter and angry, I bet she is too. Perhaps you need to detatch and be the adult.

Course I was angry; my DSD left my DD devastated, my DP bereft and expected everything to go her way! I cut her off completely, refused to respond to her demanding, mocking or petulant texts, blocked her from contacting my DD and left DP to deal with it as he chose. He was brilliant. He continued to set boundaries, refused to be blackmailed, remained in touch with her life (all be it not through her) and withstood the onslaught of criticism from family who considered him unreasonable for not giving in to her demands.

Is she angry? No, not a bit of it! She has grown up, matured, reunited with her Dad and she and I have a closer relationship now than I could ever have imagined smile we have talked at length about how the two years estrangement looked from both sides - we recognise and acknowledge each others positions and accept those.
Having experienced this myself, and seen how positive DD is now about her Dads choice not to pander to her then, I will never, ever advise a rejected parent to pander to the demands of a blackmailing teen and neither would DSD smile

LtEveDallas Fri 20-Sep-13 16:17:40

Bully for you Impty. My DSD has rejected her father because he refused to put his hand in his pocket again. She hasn't rejected me, simply because she knows its me that pays her 'maintenance' and if she does, I will just stop paying.

Not every kid is great. Not every kid is nice. Not every kid needs to be treated like they are above the law. Some kids need to realise that they need to 'give' to 'get'. OPs DSD isn't giving.

We made headway with DSD by being firm, consistent and expecting (at the very least) a considerate and respectful relationship. It's kicked off again now, but already the 'no' has had the desired effect. We shall see.

impty Fri 20-Sep-13 16:09:01

Well I rejected my father because in my (childish) eyes he'd rejected me when he walked out the door.

I rejected the women who didn't feel I could have a say in his life because I WAS THERE FIRST! Again not mature, but neither were the women competing with me.

15 is still a child. When your family falls apart and adults don't behave well neither will the children.

China your dsd rejected your family. Did she get to grieve for the one she lost? Was she allowed to have say in how her new family looked, the time scale, was she given time to spend with her father without you there? You sound so bitter and angry, I bet she is too. Perhaps you need to detatch and be the adult.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Fri 20-Sep-13 15:55:11

It looks like the gremlins got my reply I posted a while ago - but the OP has (IMO) been unfairly treated.
This thread has been (quote) read with distain and she has also been told that it's not good enough for her to say "she's not my child, there's nothing I can do".

The OP is rightfully pissed off that a violent teen is demanding money from a family that the very same teen has rejected. Telling the OP what her DP should or should not be doing is hardly supportive.
I was angrier than I can ever remember when, after my DSD rejected her family here, she started making demands of my DP and myself. How very dare she? If we were unworthy to speak to or even look at, then our time and money was not available to her either.

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