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Birthday Angst

(11 Posts)
MissKittyFantastico Fri 13-Sep-13 06:48:06

Quick name change as I may show DH this thread.

DH and DSD have fallen out, big time. It was a phone row over money and tbh was a long time coming.

She is 18 in a couple of weeks. On the phone she asked him if he was going to see her on her 18th and he said no. She said she was organising a meal and he said he wouldn't come. He was upset and angry at the time, but I doubt very much he will change his mind now.

I have detached from DSD over the last couple of years. She did a few things that upset me, so I withdrew a bit. I still love her, would do anything for her, but needed to stop being disappointed by her.

Last night she invited me to her 18th. It's a FB invite from her mum (that I have never got on with, never had a conversation with, never had anything to do with). Her dad hasn't had the same invitation, a few of her mums family have, but not dads family.

It's awkward. I can't go - DSD lives a long way away and it's just not practical for a number of reasons. I doubt very much she actually wants me there in any case, but she must know that I wouldn't go without DH, so it looks like there is a 'point' being made with the invite.

If I tell DH about the invite it will hurt him I think, and it may make things worse with DSD. If I don't tell him and he finds out it will also hurt him. Like I said, awkward.

I don't want to be involved, but now I am. What do I do?

stepmooster Fri 13-Sep-13 10:01:08

Out of curiosity, why can't your DH see his daughter on her 18th? Is it distance/work commitments or have they had a falling out?

Is DH planning on celebrating her birthday in other ways?

purpleroses Fri 13-Sep-13 11:02:22

I think I'd must say to DSD that I'd love to be there but can't make it because of X,Y,Z. And not mention it to DP. That's a friendly response to her, and unlikely to make things any worse at least. Would imagine she's not invited your DP because he's already refused to go sad

Then suggest to your DP that he does do something with her (and you) to celebrate whenever he sees her next.

Tuckshop Fri 13-Sep-13 11:13:39

I normally agree with you purpleroses but I'm not sure that keeping it from the dp will help. I think I would be having a conversation with him about it and how he and she can build bridges, and maybe come up with a plan for celebrating with her before you reply.

She must be so upset that he said he wouldn't go.

Onesleeptillwembley Fri 13-Sep-13 11:17:56

Why is he not going?

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Fri 13-Sep-13 11:21:36

Why is your DH not going to his dd's 18th birthday?

MissKittyFantastico Fri 13-Sep-13 11:48:10

Sorry, was busy.

Originally DH wasn't going to see DSD on her birthday due to work commitments and travelling time. He saw her 2 weeks ago and left behind presents etc. There was no mention then of a party/meal, and he had floated an idea to her about us taking her out another time if she came up to us.

After/during the row she asked him to come and a number of things she said pissed him off. I think the blunt refusal was a knee-jerk reaction, but not something he would go back on now.

The row was all about money, it always is tbh and I think he feels that was the only reason she wanted him there. I can actually understand that, and support his feelings in that respect.

It would be a nightmare anyway, DH and Ex detest each other, I cannot imagine anything worse than them being in a room together.

lunar1 Fri 13-Sep-13 13:54:00

It sounds like your dsd has a lot of expectations on her shoulders to be honest. How did she let you down that you had to withdraw?

MissKittyFantastico Fri 13-Sep-13 14:53:13

Me? Oh well it was a number of things really, but I suppose it boils down to being used like a cash cow and the fact that she hurt her little sister (my DD) one too many times.

I'm sure DSD was just being a typical teen, but I couldn't bite my tongue any longer. It was easier for me to withdraw, to tell myself she wasn't my daughter, so wasn't my business than to build up resentment. Detaching from all the trials and tribulations, not being involved in the rows or even giving an opinion meant that I could just enjoy her company when I saw her without stewing on whatever had gone wrong that time.

I'm not sure what you mean by expectations?

MissKittyFantastico Fri 13-Sep-13 18:50:38

Oh hell, I don't think this one is going to blow over any time soon. DH is still pissed off and is now saying he wished he hadn't left her presents. I feel like piggy in the middle again and this time "uh huh" "oh dear" isn't going to cut it.

louby44 Fri 13-Sep-13 21:37:39

That's my middle name 'piggy in the middle' - I know where you're coming from!

I find it so hard to detach from stuff relating to my step daughters. I just can't do it!

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