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Mini breakthrough with my 2 DSD...

(13 Posts)
louby44 Thu 12-Sep-13 20:51:08

Disaster holiday = 2 DSD not talking to us and ignoring their dad!

He has sent endless texts and cards. DSD13 gave in first and she answered a few of his texts and then he spoke to her on the phone. He suggested meeting for lunch this weekend which was agreed - yay!! Just the 2 of them. Still no luck with DSD15.

Then he sent DSD15 flowers yesterday after she did well in an exam which seemed to have thawed her attitude somewhat. First time she has ever had flowers. She text her dad with "hey" and they spent the evening last night texting.

She is refusing to meet for lunch as her sister has chosen where to eat and she is digging her heels in and possibly trying to manipulate her dad further. But, my DP has stuck to his guns and is going with DSD13 choice and saying they can go where DSD15 wants to go next time! She is still welcome to go with them obviously and I have a feeling she may be there waiting, dolled up to the nines when he picks DSD13 up on Saturday!

So now he is just gonna take it slow and see what the next few weeks bring.

We have all missed them, my 2 DS keep asking when they are coming again. But I seem to still be an issue for them as I spoke up and expressed my disappointment in their behaviour on holiday.

We shall see what

Tuckshop Fri 13-Sep-13 11:16:17

That's good news! Sounds like he's handling it well. I'd been wondering how you were getting on.

Kaluki Fri 13-Sep-13 12:16:34

Hi Louby I remember your thread.
While it's great that the communications have opened again and lovely for DH that his DD(s) and him can go for lunch together make sure he doesn't let them think that they weren't in the wrong on the holiday.
It's a tricky situation as although its great that he spends time with just them, if they have a problem with you then they need to be told that they can't exclude you/treat you badly. He needs to build bridges with them but back you up as well.

louby44 Fri 13-Sep-13 17:37:47

Yes I totally agree Kaluki. I also don't want any of us to be treading on eggshells around them either.

I don't want them thinking that this is the way to behave whenever there is a disagreement or argument, ignore everyone and refuse to have anything to do with us.

We're just wondering what will happen about next years summer holiday. We are going to Kos with some friends and their kids. Both DSD said they didn't want to come (and frankly the idea of holidaying with them again fills me with dread) but our friends also have a daughter who is 15 and we were hoping the girls would have a better time with another teenager around.

We're also wondering whether to change the room configuration as we normally have 2 rooms, one with me and my 2 DS and one for my partner and his 2 DD. I've said maybe my DP should share with me and the boys and just leave the girls to it. I just worry that if they meet lads they may take them back (eldest will be 16 next March).

They may still refuse to come so it's all guessing at the moment!

UC Fri 13-Sep-13 18:32:31

Louby, good news! Agree with the others.

You go on holiday and your DH sleeps with his teenaged daughters??? I have 2 DSs and 2 DSSs, and when we holiday together, DP and I share a room, and the DSs/DSSs sleep in pairs in combination of their choice. Usually 2 in the lounge, 2 in a twin and us in a double. I can't imagine going on holiday and not sharing a room with my partner. I would think that your current arrangement should stop.

If your DSDs don't want to come on holiday, then don't take them. And if you do take them, it needs to be on the understanding that there is no behaviour like this year's.

purpleroses Fri 13-Sep-13 19:17:47

We had a separate room for my DD and DSD - aged 10 and 13 this year and they loved it - loved having a space all of their own. You could request an adjacent room if you want to keep an eye on them. Or get an apartment with separate rooms.

Personally I'd favour giving kids the option really if you can - that way they are much better minded about the holiday if they do come. Less moaning. I also feel that holidays should be something you look forward to, not something you're dragged on. I argue with DP about this though a bit as he (understandably) wants to spend his holidays with his DCs so is inclined to tell them they are coming, like it or not. It's not an issue I face with my own DCs as they're always enthusiastic about holidays.

With your two DSDs would it be worth approaching them separately about next year's holiday? Sounds like the younger one might be much better if her older sister wasn't there. But better to wait until you've got contact on a more normal footing first I guess.

louby44 Fri 13-Sep-13 20:47:59

Holidays have always been something that my DP has looked forward to and enjoyed and has been 2 weeks of time to be with his girls uninterrupted. Last year and this year they have been in the same room as him but with a distinct separation - so they have their own space but are together - iykwim? He enjoys the time to talk to them, they all listen to music together and it has been a really enjoyable time for them! He also finds the clothes/make up/hair dryer/straighteners etc. scenario very amusing lol! This year of course didn't work out so well sad

I don't trust my 2 DS to be in a room on their own - they are both very immature and I would be worried sick what they would be doing in there. So there is no way I would consider letting them be on their own.

I hate not sleeping with my DP for 2 weeks, it is awful but we have always been worried that if my DP opted to stay with me and my 2 DS that the girls would feel that they were being side lined by their dad; there has been some jealousy issues recently regarding my boys (mainly to do with money e.g. trainers and clothes that I have bought them, that the girls seem to think their dad has paid for).

We have already booked the holiday for next July. But I do think the lure of 'their own room' may be very attractive for my DSD!

Early days yet though...we need to get through the next few weeks/months.

purpleroses Fri 13-Sep-13 22:17:39

Wouldn't you be better off getting a 3 bedroom villa or similar? That way your DSDs get their own rooms, your DSs have their own room, and you get to sleep with your DP smile

Some hotels do them within their complex - so you can still use hotel pool, etc.

louby44 Fri 13-Sep-13 22:33:29

No we don't do villas, not enough going on. We're going All Inclusive in Kos, much easier with 4 kids. they have loads of freedom to get their own drinks, breakfast and lunch. It's worked so well for the 4 years previously.

We're in 2 rooms that accommodate 2-3 people but we could alter it and have one twin room (for the girls) and a family room (for 4) which I think could be an option. probably cost us more!

If not we change to a family room for 4 and are £1200 better off if they don't come!

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sat 14-Sep-13 07:41:02

louby I think that your sleeping arrangements on holiday may have inadvertantly supported your DSDs appalling behaviour - from their POV, sharing with their Dad and excluding you will have reinforced the message that you are two families and they may well have felt that you and your boys were intruding on their holiday with their Dad.

Please don't fall into the trap of overcompensating and sacrificing your own lives as adults in order to avoid creating any uncomfortable or unpleasant feelings for your DSD. Treading on eggshells creates DCs who think they call the shots in their parents lives - from experience, it's far more successful to openly discuss with the teens their feelings (my DSC know its OK if they don't like me, for instance). If they're struggling with their feelings and unable to control their behaviour, then youth counselling can help a great deal.

louby44 Sat 14-Sep-13 10:45:50

I know where you're coming from China but for my DSD they have enjoyed having their dad to themselves over the past few years on holiday. My youngest DS10 can be very annoying and 'full on' and they would hate to have him in the same villa or apartment. They are much calmer kids than my 2DS.

I think my DP needs to ask the girls if they would prefer their own room next year - even though this may incur extra costs to us to change our room configuration round. It would certainly make the holiday less stressful for the adults as we would basically let them get on with it.

I think we need to step back a little and let them make their own choices on holiday and not parent them so intensely.

My feelings towards them have changed a great deal over the past few weeks; I can't believe how badly they have treated their dad and although everyone says detach, it is so difficult when you live with a man who loves and misses his kids so much!

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sat 14-Sep-13 12:46:05

louby when loving and missing his kids gets in the way of parenting them then he's really not doing anyone any favours though.

If you and your DP decide that due to your respective DCs ages, a holiday all-together is fraught with problems, then perhaps cheaper, separate holidays with the DCs might work better, with you and DP taking a weekend or two away each year on your own?

I hate reading the compromises couples make for 'the good of the DCs' at the expense of their own relationship - is it any wonder that marriages that result in blended families have such a high failure rate?!?

For some reason, your DSD has developed behaviour that has resulted in her assaulting both her parents and receiving a police caution for that.
Personally, I'd be expecting her parents to address that issue as a priority - especially considering the access she has to your younger children. Sleeping arrangements on the next family holiday can wait!

louby44 Sat 14-Sep-13 15:02:31

Luckily we can afford to holiday on our own at least once a year (we are off to the canaries at Oct half term - alone!) and these adult times are what save our sanity. We also have quite a few weekends to ourselves as my ex takes our boys to his caravan in Wales a lot - so we're very lucky in that respect

I agree that some serious talking needs to go on with DSD15, but my DP relationship with his ex isn't strong enough for him to approach that I don't feel.

Tbh he is deeply ashamed of his DD15 behaviour, when we first met 6 years ago she was mature and sensible for her age and really set a great example to the other 3 younger kids. We could trust her completely and her behaviour was perfect. But as time has gone on it's deteriorated and he is embarrassed by it all. He's mourning the little girl he used to know. He hasn't moved on with the parenting skills and expects his authority to be all that is needed - BIG learning curve for him.

But, she is their daughter and it's up to them to help her in what ever way they see fit. I just cook the meals et al[hmn]

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