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Hurt by dsd comment

(22 Posts)
Emilyeggs Tue 10-Sep-13 17:25:22

After a good weekend with the kids, DH was really tired and wanted to drop the kids back Monday morning instead of the usual Sunday night, dss was happy to do this, and phones their mum to let her know and see if it was ok (it was) mum wanted to talk to the kids, see if home work was done ect....when she spoke to dsd 7 she went into near hysterics and said she hated it hear! I'm really hurt by this as I always make the kids feel welcome, have done for the last 4 years. It's getting worse with dsd wanting to go home, dss says she gets into bed with her mum so this explains why she starts winding herself up as it gets closer to bed time, saying she gets scared, wants mum. We get it under control through diversion. It's just, if she talks to her mum it makes it so much worse and distressing for her. I have suggested Unnecessary phone calls be avoided to reduce the stress....aibu?

ChinaCupsandSaucers Tue 10-Sep-13 17:51:26


Is Mum on board and supportive of your attempts to reduce DSD anxiety? If so, then I think she could be a positive support of your approach via telephone.

However, if Mum is undermining your attempts to reassure your DSD, and is (inadvertantly) making things worse, then eliminating/reducing calls can prevent this.

My DSS Mum used to reassure him when he was here by telling him to "not to worry" - well, he wasn't worried until she suggested that there might be something to worry about! Talk about textbook - it was word for word the example used in the CAFCASS Handbook for Seprated Parents of what "not" to do when talking to your DC's while they are at the NRP home!
Mum also used to tell DSD to "make the best of it" when she was here.

Both DSC's hated the fact that their Mum contstantly reminded them on the phone how much she, grandma and the cat were missing them; they were only here for a long weekend at a time!

DSS used to get anxious if we didn't answer calls from his Mum (we now know that she was putting pressure on him), so DP did, for a while, prevent the repeated intrusive phone calls by unplugging the phone - and distracting the DSC on the infrequent occasions they asked to phone Mum - but alongside that, he ensured that he set time aside for them to call her at a neutral time (not near bedtime, for instance). It eventually culminated in DSS telling his mum that he didn't want her to call so much, and her accusing DP of coaching DSS to say that. DSS started to ignore his Mums calls after that.

We have also implemented a "no mobile devices upstairs" policy to prevent the late-night contact by text/emai/skype, which causes a lot of damage to DSD relationship with us (we've since been reunited and she has told us about a lot of things we didn't even realise were going on). DSS hasn't got a mobile yet, but he knows the rules that apply to my DD, and to DSD when she stays, so knows that the same will apply to him.

shockers Tue 10-Sep-13 17:53:41

I wouldn't take it personally, she's used to her routine at home (and probably tired too). I find it difficult to relax at other people's houses, and as much as you're making her feel welcome, it's not her regular home.

Does she have her own room at your house?

Emilyeggs Tue 10-Sep-13 18:13:28

Thanks for your reply, it's a strange situation as I can see clearer than DH what is happening. Their mum won't phone, the only time they talk is if DH, thinking he's doing the right thing when dsd gets upset towards bedtime, rings her to talk to them. She says all the things you have listed....don't worry.....enjoy your time. I can't imagine its nice for her to hear dsd so upset? All I know is its not true that dsd "hates" it hear, god knows what their mum must think when she hears that. Dss 12 totally understands and says to dsd "why do you miss mum, we see her all the time" he's just trying to help bless him. When I try to talk about it to DH a wall comes up. Fed up to be honest. Why can't I talk to him about these things like two adults trying to find a solution without him saying "I don't want to argue about it" who said anything about a row sad

Emilyeggs Tue 10-Sep-13 18:14:34

Yes, they share, but DH also uses it as an office. I've said many times it needs to feel more like their room

ChinaCupsandSaucers Tue 10-Sep-13 18:36:18

it's a strange situation as I can see clearer than DH what is happening.

Oh, not that strange at all - a lot of non-resident Dads wear blinkers of one sort or another when their DC's are concerned - motivated by guilt, fear of failure, or any number of other issues.

Thing is, unless your DH is prepared to acknoweldge this and accept that he has a role in addressing it, then you are on a hiding to nothing. Your best bet is to detach - allow your DP to deal with it, and try not to let whatever the DSC say upset you. Be prepared to support your DH if/when he is ready to look at the bigger picture, but until then, remain at arms length.

Emilyeggs Tue 10-Sep-13 18:36:40

Right, well DH has come in and I've put my suggestion forward only to be told he didn't want to talk about it right.says he just wants a nice evening, don't understand why it would cause a bad evening. I feel like we could talk about anything but when it comes to the kids I should just shut the fuck up! Sick to death of it!

ChinaCupsandSaucers Tue 10-Sep-13 18:45:03

Detach, detach, detach.

He doesn't want to talk about his DC's, then fine - but he can't then recruit you to get involved - do school runs, cook for them, wash their clothes etc.
Either you have a role in their life or not - and he's making it clear that he doesn't want you to.

(Just to reassure you, the reason he thinks talking about it is going to spoilt his evening is because he knows underneath that he'll have to face up to feelings he would rather not think about. It's not you, it's him).

shockers Tue 10-Sep-13 18:48:16

Perhaps you could take them both shopping and let them choose stuff for the room... maybe put up a display shelf for stuff you collect when you're together, or for something from home. A nice lamp each too, to soften things at bedtime.

If bedtimes are a problem, maybe establish a different routine... hot drink downstairs, followed by story in bed, kiss, tuck in and a little rhyme type thing.

Do you know what washing powder Mum uses? Smells can be powerful. In our class, the children will smell a jumper to see if it belongs to them before checking the label!

Good luck.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Tue 10-Sep-13 18:54:39

shockers If the Op's DH was receptive, I can see how your suggestions would work - but it's clear that he's buried his head firmly in the sand and won't even discuss it, let alone do anything! If the OP pushes the issue, she'll just create more tension between herself and her DH, surely?

purpleroses Tue 10-Sep-13 18:58:59

I think she was probably upset by the last minute change of plans. Ending the weekend back in your main home feels different to going straight to school from yours. Must be upsetting to be 7 and feel you have no control over when you see your mum and other people can change the plans any time. None of this any reflection on things you've done this weekend.

But rather off of your DP to refuse to speak about it. You can't be expected to be involved with dsc, share your weekends with them but not to care if they're upset. sad

Emilyeggs Tue 10-Sep-13 19:16:51

Thanks ladies, having a bad day, tired, still not had a break from ds 7 months even though I've been in tears asking. I get told its not fair on them if he has to look after DS in their time sad. As for washing powder, don't know what one it is but I do know its the blue lenor, about half a bottle by the strength of it! The anxiety for dsd starts on Friday by asking how many sleeps, then it's "can I sleep in with you" then the tears....I don't know what had changer, it never was like this. Yes , I'm aloud to watch dsd, do hair, wash clothes, but when it comes to other stuff, ie sports day nativity play its a no

ChinaCupsandSaucers Tue 10-Sep-13 19:31:26

I get told its not fair on them if he has to look after DS in their time

He says WHAT!!!!!!

Forgive me for speaking bluntly, but you've got far bigger problems than your DSD anxiety -and that's probably being fuelled by your DH blatant sidelining of you and your DS - I'm so sorry sad

shockers Tue 10-Sep-13 20:16:10

When did it change?

Emilyeggs Tue 10-Sep-13 20:21:11

Totally had enough, my relationship with dsd was always good, but has gone down hill in the last year. Not majorly, but it's hard when I see her playing up, I step in (even though I've told DH I'm not comfortable with that, but he insists and says it shouldn't be all down to him) and then I see him comforting her after I've put my foot down because she says she wants to go home!!!!

shockers Tue 10-Sep-13 21:30:08

She's 7. You have a 7 month old... your relationship has gone downhill in the last year. It's not rocket science from the outside.

Your DH is worried that his new family may push his existing children out (he feels this way because he feels a certain amount of guilt that he doesn't live with them and he loves you and DS)

His DD feels his (and her Mum's) anxiety about this. (I've been there as a mum... worried your XH will forget about your kids in favour of shiny new ones blush)

She's playing up because she's unsure. Tell her to snuggle up in her own bed at bedtime... with a promise of a bounce and a hug in your bed in the morning when she wakes up.

Please look at my earlier post... I know it sounds twee, but children don't understand the naffness of twee... they just want to feel secure.

Emilyeggs Tue 10-Sep-13 21:57:30

Thank., I do realise my DH has guilt. I know this because he tells me all the time. Even before ds was born. His ex is still good friends with his sis and she has told me the ex is indifferent. Just wants to get on with her life, she's never caused us problems as such. My DH once said that his uncle told him you have to watch out for the females in the relationship, and they will never get, dsd and I. I do hope this is not true and I'm not going to get the "your not my mum" thrown at me. I'll have to work very hard to make this not happen, on my own

Emilyeggs Tue 10-Sep-13 21:59:48

Ps, thanks shockers, I will suggest to DH about buying things for THEIR room (not just his office) smile

mumandboys123 Wed 11-Sep-13 07:24:40

so...the answer is to stop mum calling at all? and lose her good will?
can you not see that if mum was happy to have the children stay an additional night and put up no argument about that, it wasn't unreasonable that she be 'allowed' to speak to the children? most decent parents would want to check homework had been done and that all was well for school the next day. It is normal for a 7 year old child to miss the parent they are currently absent from and entirely normal for them to miss them even more towards bedtime. You need to deal with it.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Wed 11-Sep-13 07:28:40

The anxiety for dsd starts on Friday by asking how many sleeps, then it's "can I sleep in with you" then the tears....

Mumandboys I hope you don't consider the level of distress the OP has described as 'normal' and something she should 'suck up' rather than support her DP to address?

And noone has said no phone calls - just managed to support the DSD; if Mum knows that DSD gets distressed when speaking to her near bed time then mum should 'suck it up' and accept that it's not best for her DD!

Emilyeggs Wed 11-Sep-13 13:33:21

Mummy, as I said, she never calls, DH's calls her thinking he's doing the right thing. If Dsd asked to speak to her mum I would never stop her, I just don't think it should be encouraged when all it does is cause upset for both party's.

Emilyeggs Wed 11-Sep-13 13:37:34

Also, she could ask DH's to make sure homework is done rather than speak to dsd and cause upset (which he did anyway). "Deal with it" isn't very helpful to me but thanks

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