I want o improve my relationship with

[Ronnie513]

I met my fiancé almost 2 years ago I was 26 & she was 30. She had a 14 year old daughter (16 now) and 3 year old twin boys (now 5). Her daughter was/is best friends with my eldest niece.
She's divorced from her ex-husband 6 months previous - so here's the thing - he was a pr!ck, they split because he'd been abusive towards her daughter.

They were renting a flat so they moved in with me quite quickly cause I have a decent house (im a mechanic, run a small gargle with my older brother) but her step-daughter was always a bit off with me, but I figured it would just take time - she'd been through a lot and she'd see I was a decent guy.

Two years on we're getting married, the boys call me dad but she still is incredibly distant with me - not any other men, just me! She's always liked my older brother and her my younger brother, stanley get on really well, it's only me shes funny with. She flat out refused to be bridesmaid at our wedding - it hurts a bit, cause I always tried dead hard and she must know I?d never lay one finger on her!

Plus like the other day she was hanging out at ours with one of her friends and I came in from a run with my medal they give you, which her friend seemed to find hilarious and she was like ?omg Alex how can you not like this guy, he?s such a cutie? ? so she clearly makes no secret about not liking me!

Anyway the reason im writing this now is cause I thought I had a break through with her the other day cause her bf broke up with her and she was upset and I was the only one in and she actually gave me a hug and we played pool & air-hockey for a bit and we we're just talking (which was massive in itself) and then for like the first time she actually opened up to me about her mum?s ex, that she trusted him, thought he would be like a dad to her etc etc and in the end I though we?d really got somewhere but then the next morning she was back to avoiding me wear possible!

I love those boys and her like my own, I know shes had it tough and I know I wasn't there when she was growing up, but im here now, and if she'd let it happen we could still have a relationship - she doesn't have to call me dad or ask me to give her away but I could teach her to drive or pick her up from a night out. I want to make my little families lives better but I feel like im making hers worse - like she'll actually play with her brothers or chat to her mum when im not about but then like ill get home form work and her face will literally drop and she wont be able to get out of there fast enough - its a difficult situation.

[louby44]

Ahh you sound like a really lovely guy, just trying to do your best.

I'd just keep doing what you're doing, being friendly and open with her. Not much more you can do. Trust takes time and if she's been let down in the past by 'father figures' why should you be any different?

You just need to show her that not all men are the same.

[Ronnie513]

Thank you

Yeah I mean I can understand why her guards up, that's not unreasonable...
I just want a better home life for everyone, y'know?
I do realise that theres no quick fix, I just wish there was something I could do.

[Lethologica]

It may not feel like it but it is still early days. (less than two years ) Patience and time is what you need.
Don't try too hard or expect anything, just be consistant and nice. Give her plenty of opportunities to be alone with her Mum too.
Good luck.

[lunar1]

Was the ex not her dad?

[brdgrl]

You sound like a really good and sensible stepdad. I agree, keep doing what you are doing. As long as she is treating you with respect, you can only work and hope for the affection and the rest of it to come. She must have massive trust issues, and you are making progress. It can take a long time. I have been working on a relationship with my DSD for five years...it is miles and miles better than it was at the lowest point, but still a work in progress.
I have read in a couple different stepparenting books that it takes an average of seven years (!) for people in stepfamilies to report that they feel like a bonded family unit.

[purpleroses]

Agree that it sounds like you're doing everything right - but it will take time.

Also you may never really have a parent-like relationship with her that you do with the two younger ones. My eldest DSC was 13 when I met her and although we get on well, I don't feel like a parent to her. Wherease wtih the younger ones, I do much more. I'm not sure I'll ever feel like a parent to the oldest - and just hope to go on getting along well as she gets older (she's 16 now)

Also wonder with the age gaps as they are whether your DSD would see you as not really of "dad-age" - ie possibly not much older than blokes who she might date herself. That as well could make it hard for her to feel like you're a father figure to her. Best just support your fiance in her parenting and keep things friendly and non-threatening for her.

[Ronnie513]

Yeah, I mean I do understand that time needs to be a factor I do, I just, I hate feeling like im making her life harder - I know im not, I know im making there lives better (nice place to live, my gf only has to work part time now, I teach the boys to qwim and ride a bike) but it hurts my heart, what shes had to go through and the effect I can see its had on her. I cant go back in time and make it better, I would if I could but I cant. but y'know id just like to show her that not all guys are like that, that im not like that! That she can trust me!

Lunar1 - no, her dad was long gone before she was born, he was the twins dad thou.

Purpleroses - yeah I get the age gap is quite small - like I say I don't really need her to see me as a dad, we both know im not, but I care about the girl, id like her to see me as someone she can rely on and at the very least someone she can be in the same room without running a mile!

[lunar1]

You sound like you are doing all the right things but sadly your dsd has been let down by two men already. She is probably keeping her guard up and may do for a long time.

I think it was over ten years before I accepted my step dad, lots of that is to do with the terrible way my mum brought him into our life.

If it helps at all things worked out really well in the long run. He is the best grandad to my two boys. My (step)grandma lived with me for the last few years of her life when she couldn't be alone, she had dementia. We are in every respect a proper family.

I think you will just have to be patient.