I don't know how to find a solution

[Tittypulumpcious]

This is regarding access, I have just printed Sept calendar for dh.

For the month of Sept he will have dsd for 18 of those days, 11 of them overnights the others are either days from 2pm until 8pm or returning her to her mums (or school) after spending the night(s) with us.

Due to dh work in those 30 days he has 3 days off to himself no dsd either side. 1 day each week except the last week.

We are struggling to find anytime to ourselves, dh works shifts and his specific pattern includes early am, late pm and night work.

I want to be very clear here and say I in no way dislike my dsd in the big picture however, it feels like she is always here and while that's not always a bad thing, she needs constant attention.

She is 10 this year and she cannot/will not do anything by herself. If I am in the kitchen and dh comes in she will call out 'daddy' or she will follow him in, this is also the case for our bedroom.

We are both shattered, bedtimes are interrupted because she has something she needs etc when we get into bed she will come and wake us up because she's hot, thirsty etc.

I see it as attention seeking, however she is the centre of the universe when she is here she makes sure of it and dh doesn't really do much to discourage this behaviour.

Dh and I need sometime together. Between work and dsd I get to see him alone for 1 day a week though not the whole day as he has things he needs to do and that evening he will go to bed very early as he is up very early am for work.

Is it wrong of us to ask to drop one of the 2pm-8pm days (which incidentally are before his nightshift) this means he will return from a nightshift get up at 2pm roughly then instead of having dsd will have until 9pm free. We could in that time have a nice dinner and time to catch up.

Is this unreasonable??

[Fifi2406]

What do you think full time parents do? It adds up to like 3 days a week? What about the other 4 days a week she isn't there?

And she's 10, when I was 10 and had to go to my dads I was the same I just didn't want to share my dad not that I didn't like his girlfriend I just wanted his attention she will grow out of it she's only 10 if anything like I was there's worse yet to come that being a bit attention seeking!

[Emptychairs]

Not unreasonable at all.
Worked long and hard (3 years) to get the stay overs to also correspond to my needs and wants.
As sm you are often at the bottom of the pile, and made feel bad if you express your dissatisfaction!
However, a family needs to be catering for everyone, and everybody needs to be heard, or its not a family, its dh and his kids and the woman he sleeps with/ cooks n cleans...
I'm sure you've made plenty of sacrifices to be with dh and dsd, its not wrong for them to also consider you as a legitimate member of the household.

[Petal02]

OP - you are not being unreasonable.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

fifi I disagree - the OPs DSD will not 'grow out of it' all the while she is rewarded by her Dad for attention seeking and rude behaviour.

It sounds like this is a classic DisneyDad problem; which can only be solved by the OPs DP, not by her.

[theredhen]

Agree completely with empty chairs. In a step family there are a LOTog people's needs who should be taken into consideration and lots of compromises to be made. However it is not for the step parent to make ALL the compromises.

[Fifi2406]

The op asked if it was unreasonable to skip a day her dsd would be there so they could spend time as a couple, if for some reason her DP had to have his daughter full time for whatever reason you can't just not have them sometimes because you only get one day a week by yourselves! I am a lone parent my DS's father doesn't have any contact who would have my ds whilst me and a partner had alone time? What if they had a child together they would be full time parents so would have no alone time! That was my point its 3 out of 7 days a week. He has a daughter, her time is split almost equally between the two parents she won't be 10 forever she will hit 14 and want to go to friends instead and she will hit 18 and want to go on nights out instead of sleep overs at her fathers house kids grow up and generally grow out of behaviours she may be a little bit demanding and he does need to explain that she could go and make herself a drink rather than waking people up etc but I meant she isn't even a stroppy teenage girl yet so worse is yet to come (maybe)

[Tittypulumpcious]

Fifi if you read my post properly it's actually not 3 out of 7.

This isn't about you or you being a lone parent this was a question about how to get more time with my dh.

As you appear not to be a step parent I do not expect you to see the other side without some prejudice.

I don't want to remove nights just 6 hours between his work so that I may see my other half.

[Lethologica]

Would you be able to implement a change without your DSD knowing?

[eslteacher]

I don't think what you are saying is unreasonable OP. One day (not even an overnight) less out of many in the month isn't much if you really think it'll save your sanity. Are you worried about how your DSD's mum will react to this request, or your DP or your DSD herself?

I am also a SM without any children of my own, and my DSS (8) while lovely isn't capable of entertaining himself for ANY period of time unless it's in front of a screen which obviously we try to limit! He constantly asks for one of us to be playing with him or doing an activity with him. So weekends with him are quite intense sometimes, I definitely get where you're coming from.

I don't think you can really compare it in the same way to having a biological/live-in child, firstly because there is (a varying amount of) pressure on the parent to really maximise that time they have with their child since they don't see them all the time. So weekends/contact days can end up being quite intense sometimes. And secondly because having a biological child around who is equally bodth of yours oesn't put the same kind of pressure on the relationship that having a stepchild does - for the many reasons that we can repeatedly read on these boards!

Fifi - I can see what you're saying, but ultimately there are a lot of 'ifs' in your post that don't apply. The DP doesn't seem to have any reason to take his DD to live with him full time, nor do the OP and her DP have a child of their own. So those scenarios aren't really relevant to her at the moment. In terms of her specific scenario, I think what she's saying sounds reasonable.

[Tuckshop]

I don't think you're wrong to yearn for time alone with him, but I'm not sure saying you won't have her is the answer and it may open up a whole can of worms.

Would your plan be for her mum to have her instead? How would that sit with her do you think?

It's hard juggling the needs of a relationship when you have children. I've just had 3 weeks with no break from dd because her Dad won't do any holiday childcare. It's no biggie, it's just that when my bf and I did get a weekend together last weekend we realised what a difference it made not having "us" time.

That said, I know how lucky we are to get some weekends to ourselves, but dd is non negotiable so if she didn't go to xh's ever or she was our child we would have to find another way of getting couple time. I don't think it's an entitlement unfortunately but I totally get why you want it.

Are there any other ways round it, a babysitter or time with your dp's family?

[Tittypulumpcious]

Yes we could, it would be the afternoon/evening between his night shifts.

Our first priority is dsd however our marriage also needs time and I'm afraid I'm a terrible person because I cannot suck it up until she's 18 as it seems it was suggested I do!

[Tittypulumpcious]

Riverboat thank you, you said it perfectly!

We have dsd 3 days which include nights stays and 1 full day & 1 afternoon until bedtime.

If she was full time here it would be different we would have a different dynamic but that is not possible.

What we would like to do is have her mum keep her on 1 day each week instead of us having her from 2-8 so she's not having an overnight taken away.

Not only do I selfishly not get to see dh but he is knackered and that extra 6 hours would allow him to get a couple of hours rest before his 11 hr night shift.

[Fifi2406]

My point was when you're a parent you don't get much time and you presumable got together when he was already a parent I was saying how do you think full time parents do it? Or as an EXAMPLE lone parents If she were in your DP's care full time you would have no time at all so you should appreciate the little time you do DSD's father should speak to her and get a more equal split if your DP feels the same and wants to have his daughter less? I was a step parent for years before we had our own dc and I know step parents get a hard time of it but for me my own child or a step child is not negotiable and partner would have to like it or lump it! Your DP needs to encourage her to play more by herself and more appropriate toys/her own room

[Tuckshop]

I don't think you're wrong to yearn for time alone with him, but I'm not sure saying you won't have her is the answer and it may open up a whole can of worms.

Would your plan be for her mum to have her instead? How would that sit with her do you think?

It's hard juggling the needs of a relationship when you have children. I've just had 3 weeks with no break from dd because her Dad won't do any holiday childcare. It's no biggie, it's just that when my bf and I did get a weekend together last weekend we realised what a difference it made not having "us" time.

That said, I know how lucky we are to get some weekends to ourselves, but dd is non negotiable so if she didn't go to xh's ever or she was our child we would have to find another way of getting couple time. I don't think it's an entitlement unfortunately but I totally get why you want it.

Are there any other ways round it, a babysitter or time with your dp's family?

[eslteacher]

Ah I see Titty, I think because your rota and your DP's shift patterns are quite complicated I had misunderstood and thought you were talking about one 2-8 per month as opposed to per week.

I guess it MIGHT make a difference....does your DSD express preferences about how she wants to split her living arrangement? Or maybe as the rota is quite complicated she wouldn't even really notice one afternoon/evening less per week inbetween all the other overnights and squeezed in days?

For me personally, the issue would be that I know DSS wants to spend more time with his dad, not less. He often talks about this, both with his mum and with us. Unfortunately geography and DP's working hours mean that it's very difficult for us to have him except for weekends. But if it was on the cards for us to have him more during the week, I don't think I'd have the heart to be the one saying I didn't want it to happen (even if I didn't).

But that said, every situation is different and I am not you! For a start we only have EOW as opposed to the 50/50 you have. I might not say the same if I experienced 50/50!

[purpleroses]

I think asking to change the rota on a regular basis is a risky thing and could be taken very badly by your DP, DSD or her mum - any of whom may feel that you don't like having her around and are encouraging your ex to see less of her.

But - I don't think YABU for craving a bit of time alone with your DP. Is every month the same or will you get more time alone usually? If not, can you try and arrange a full weekend away (or even not away) together. Having some time together blocked out helps a lot I find - and we have DSC every weekend whilst DP works long hours in the week so I know how much you can crave a bit of time just for you.

The other thing I think you should do is to work on DSD's behaviour so that you do get a bit of time for yourselves when she's around. I have a 10 year old Dd and DSS and both are quite capable of entertaining themselves for periods of time - reading, TV, computers, drawing, or invite a friend round for her. With the amount of time you have her neither she nor your DP should be feeling the time is so precious that every minute needs to be spent together. That must be really draining.

At 10 she should also have a regular bedtime of around 8 or 9pm. And she should be taught firmly that she does not come disturbing you after that unless it's an emergency. She can get herself a drink, remove a douvet, listen to music, etc without adult involvement. Your DP's not doing her any favours by pandering to attention-seeking behavour when she should be getting a good night's sleep. And I find some good quality adult time after the kids are in bed is invaluable in a relationship.

[Tittypulumpcious]

Every month is the same Purpleroses, I am feeling it more this month as she has been particularly challenging.

Last night went like this...8 o'clock up to her room, pjs on teeth then read until 8.30pm.

8.30 - I can't sleep, my front bum hurts...she has had thrush 2 weeks ago and the dr gave her cream a cream which she had forgotten to bring back to us. She never complains of any issues down there until bedtime.

If I mention that I think she might be pulling our leg she will start whining 'IT DOES THOUGH...IT REEEEEEALLY HURTS'

So what do you do? you can't just ignore it because what if it does hurt? just seems strange to me it's only at night. Anyway she asked me to take a look instead of her dad, I had a brief look and to be honest nothing looked red or sore or thrush like. So I said hmmm you look ok but lets see if we can find you something to help. I have a fem fresh spray so I just kind of sprayed her in the general direction but not really on her. (Placebo effect!) This took about 15 mins.

No more excuses off to bed..10 mins later 'DADDY MY BUM HURTS..NO MY BUM IT ITCHES, IT REALLY ITCHES' Argh...so dh said "Look, you do this at bedtime always at bedtime go to bed and stay in bed.

HUGE tantrum, you can remove privileges, ignore her tell her off she doesn't give a shit as long as she's getting some sort of attention.

Finally at 11pm she was asleep I feel wrung out, dh had been at work since 5.30 am had picked her up at 4pm after his shift and was also knackered.

This cannot go on, I cannot deal with these types of episodes every single bloody night she is here, simply because she's either jealous or thinks she missing out.

My dh and I essentially have a really good relationship but this is really starting to wear on me. He knows he needs to be firmer and when he is she still takes no sodding notice.

I am so close to losing my rag and I am not someone who can tolerate this kind of behaviour for too much longer.

She gets attention, she is with us the entire time she is here, we never push her out she's always in the same room always has someones attention so it's not like that is the problem.

Is this normal??? When she has these night time dramas what would you be saying to her?

Sorry this is so long!

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Is this normal??? When she has these night time dramas what would you be saying to her?

It's normal for a child who is used to calling the shots and it can take weeks/months to break an established habit.

I'm a disengaged WSM, so my advice would be to stay out of it completely. Leave Dad to look at her bits, regardless of what she might 'want' - how would he manage if you weren't there - and don't engage with her; refer her back to her Dad for everything.

If/when she throws a hissy fit because she hasn't got her own way - walk out. Not in a strop, but just say to your DP that you'll leave him to deal with it and be back in an hour. Go and browse the local supermarket, grab a coffee somewhere or people watch at the local bus station - just get away.

Your DSD has learnt to manipulate you - if you want things to change you'll need to remove that power from her. Equally, her Dad needs to learn how to parent her, and he's more likely to do that if he hasn't got you to rely on.

[purpleroses]

God she sounds just.like my DD on a bad day
I get all the itchy bum routine quite regularly. To be fair I think those things are often worse when in bed but my dd is quite able to whip them up to a drama. Best advice would be a bath well before bedtime, change into PJs, any medication (inc calpol) then bed in good time to read for a bit before sleeping. Then at least if there is a song and dance about the itchy bum it's still over by bedtime.
And after all that the answer is "well scratch it then!" and no further interaction.
Some kids find it hard but she does need to learn that social interaction ends at.bedtime. Does she have an MP3 player? My DD listens a lot to audio books or music before sleeping. Might help.

[purpleroses]

Also - you can buy thrush medicine over the counter - might be worth getting some to keep at yours if it's a regular problem for her.

[Tuckshop]

My dd can be like that too, there are nights when she just can't settle, so I let her read until she is sleepy. I have a spray with some Flower essences that I spray around and I tell her that will help.

I too would get in some cream to keep at yours. I have found when I've had thrush that it can get worse at night because its hot under the duvet. Any chance that it could be genuine (but she's making it massive?).

I wondered too if bedtime was a little early for a 10 year old?

[Tittypulumpcious]

I tried to get over the counter cream but I was told they would not sell it to me as she was under 16 and the % was too strong.

This is an ongoing issue every single night she is with us, maybe her bedtime is early but she might go to bed at 8 for lights out at 8.30 but she's rarely asleep before 11pm. If she has a few late nights (between 9 and 9.30) she is horrible a few days later, she will be purposefully antagonistic.

She uses a laptop and an ipad watches tv and I wonder if screen time might be having an impact on her ability to sleep.

I think I will go with Chinacups suggestion and bow out. there is no need for me to get involved, to be honest any of my suggestions get politely ignored so why bother. The way things are limits time with dh because he spends it telling her to go to bed etc.

I'm dreading her arrival later, my stomach is in knots thinking about another night like the ones we've been having. I am starting to feel resentful that dh hasn't been firmer and now she thinks she can do as she likes.

If he is firm with her tells her no he's not going up to her, no she has to stay in her bed she goes bonkers screaming shouting banging the floor, so we still aren't getting any peace because all you can hear is the noise upstairs!!

When she arrives I feel like leaving, I can't cope with having her needing attention every moment and then the bedtime dramas. I am shattered.

[cansu]

I don't think it's about reducing the time you have her, it's about tackling her behaviour at bedtime. It won't be easy and it has to come from your dh. I think you need to talk to him about her bedtime behaviour and agree what he will say and do. I also think he should sit down with her and explain what the new rules will be in advance. It's really a parenting issue that you need to deal with.

[Tittypulumpcious]

Cansu, You're right. We have done all of this though, dh and I have talked we have agreed we have told dsd what the rules are they have even been written down.

Nothing changed and it gets worse, this is my dh issue he is the one who needs to implement change. I have explained this and he is very clear on how I feel. He's torn between supporting me and finding a balance that's fair. It's a difference in perspective, what I see he doesn't and vice versa.

She is his universe and she knows it. It's ok to be daddies girl it's a lovely relationship to have, however I feel he needs her approval he carries guilt for the ending of his relationship with dsd mum, not for leaving her but for leaving dsd at a young age.

He has issues he knows he does he buries his head in the sand until he sorts that nothing will change.

I guess wanting to have less access is me just wanting to remove the problem because it feels like stalemate.

I don't have anyone to talk to, none of my friends are step parents and see it from a biological parent point of view. It's not my dsd fault she is product of her parenting but I don't know what to do with the resentment I feel because nothing is changing it's just getting harder as she gets older and asserts herself more.

I am not a shrinking violet and dsd told me 'I shouldn't have to follow your rules' I told her my house my rules. What she does outside of our home is really none of my business and I never get involved. But now at home a place I want to relax at times in my own space is totally invaded by a rude loud and needy 9 year old.

I have been with dh for a long time and it's only really been the last 8 months dsd being here has been difficult.

I feel so torn between feeling guilt and feeling angry about this.