Looking for advice, can anyone help me help DH!

[inneedofrain]

Hi All

I´m really in need of some advice I am going to try and keep this short but get all relevent info in if anyone wants anymore let me know!

DH was 5 when his Parents divorced.

his mother had an affair and later married the OM (not 100% sure if this is revelent)

DFIL meet and married DSMIL

DFIL is a lovely lovely man, but he and DH had no conact from when DH was 16 untill DH was 24.

I believe that DFIL paid maintence etc, but DH Mother is not a nice women we have had to go NC with her. and I know that DFIL had some big issues with DH mum etc which I think made it impossible for him to have a relationship with DH

Anyway when DH and I meet we sent DFIL a fathers day card with my addess etc and DFIL got back in contact, by this point we had already made the decision (DH and I) to emigrate but we explained this all to DFIL and DSMIL it was not a decision we took lightly but we where not going far.

So we DH, me DFIL and DSMIL had 3 years of bulding bridges etc, some odd questions about maintence came up but I think DH handled them well etc. DFIL and DSMIL would often come and stay for the weekend but would only manage 1 day or so befor DSMIL was "ill and had to go home" this happened so regularly that it made both of us feel uncomfortable. Please note DSMIL is in perfect health, and I made a real effort to make them both welcome (it was my house) DH did things with them, we went to visit them, we had days out etc. There was nothing wrong with the room, no cross words she would litterally all of a sudden say I want to go home or DFIL would say I´m taking DSMIL home.

We then moved as planned

DFIL and DSMIL came to visit once for a week, and left 6 days in, we chased them but couldn´t find them and spoke to them when they got home DFIL said that our new country was "not for them" etc, we all exchanged a couple of emails they sent quite an unplesant one and we replied explaining carefully that if they didn´t tell us the truth we couldn´t help. they sent 1 email saying that this didn´t want to loose DH again and then the next said never contact us again.

This was 6 years ago. DH is in a right state, he misses his dad very very much, has to turn the radio off if certain songs come on etc. DSMIL has always made DH feel that he wasn´t wanted (he was only 5 when his parents divorced so I´m not sure how accurate this is) but it is how he feels. For my part I love his DFIL but always found DSMIL hard work and cold, that combined with the constant I need to go home I found her very "odd", but I always made the effor to be chatty with her and try and build a relationship etc.

Now I love DH dearly, and I so want to help him with this. I have suggested that maybe he needs to consider going and seeing his dad next time we are back in that country but he is so worried about more rejection etc. I don´t know what to do, I could possibly contact DFIL my self but I have no idea if that is the right thing to do, or if I would get the phone slamed down on me.

I would be grateful for any input and if you have read through all of this thank you very much!

[lunar1]

I dont really have advice as such but I just wanted to say how sad it is your DH is in this situation. After my parents split my dads relationship with my brother and I depended completely on the woman he was with at the time. So for years he would be really distant. Then for 18 months he was with the most lovely woman, he was a great dad in that time. Then sadly he cheated on her and married a woman who hated children. we saw him less and less until a letter arrived for us starting with

me and my new wife...
you put too much pressure on your father...
we have decided as a couple we no longer want you in our lives...

That was when i was 13 and i saw him once since when i was 17.

I think it was only when my first son was born at 28 that i started to really let go of him. Every christmas, birthday big event i would be hoping he would change his mind. I know where he lives, I know his hone number and yet I have never phoned since that last time i saw him at 17.

I have no idea how you can help your DH as every situation is so different. I think what finally made me let go was that I didnt want to bring him into my children's lives only for him to do the same to them. besides they have my step dad as a grandad, and i know with out any doubt he will never let them down. Do you think your DH could benefit form counselling before re-opening the door?

[UC]

I was going to say my only advice would be for you to suggest counselling to your DH. With an independent ear to listen and advise, perhaps he can come up with a way he can be happy either with no contact, or trying again. I really think only he will know what that is, and you can't do it for him. Your poor DH. :-(

[olibeansmummy]

It seems odd that one email says he didn't want to lose your dh and then one straight after said never to contact them again. Are you sure the last email came from FIL? Could SMIL have sent it then deleted the evidence?

[inneedofrain]

Thanks all

All emails are written by smil (we know this for fact, don't want to say why but smil does all the writing) I have wondered if dfil is in the dark so to speak

Lunar I'm so sorry you had to go through that, you sound lovely and I'm so cross for you!

I think I have more chance with dh being king of England than I do getting him to talk to a councillor he despises them because of his mum

I'm just at a loss as to how to help

[UC]

Sometimes you just can't help, apart from to make it very clear that you're available to listen.