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im torn

(61 Posts)
longtether Sat 17-Aug-13 07:06:01

I have two lovely step kids but I just resent them existing so much. If it wasnt for them I could have dps first child and we could be a proper family with no added issues and dramas and baggage that comes along with step kids. I just resent them so much I hate it when we do anything with them because it should be our children we're doing everything with not some other lasses. When my children come along it won't be special to dp. He'll have done everything before he has got a boy and a girl it will be nothing new to him. I was hoping when I had children he'd be less excited about seeing them selfish I know but its more likely any children of mine will be the other ones and get left out. I love him and don't have the strength to leave him but why should my children come second fiddle to kids he didn't even want?!

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 19-Aug-13 07:50:23

I assume that he either thinks its Ok (in which case he's an arse) or he doesn't know how the OP feels.

Either way, it's a train wreck of a relationship!

SoupDragon Mon 19-Aug-13 07:47:56

Why on earth would a man consider having children with a woman who resents his children so much?

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 19-Aug-13 07:40:51

soup I think the OPs DP must have expressed these feelings to her - either directly or indirectly, which is why she is so upset and resentful.

Noone could just imagine that their DP will feel that way without some evidence, surely?

Either way, Why on earth would the OP even consider having DCs by a man who she thinks (or who actually does) have such a selfish attitude?

SoupDragon Mon 19-Aug-13 07:20:52

When I have a child its either a girl or a boy nothing different to what his got

FFS. Do you think children are little clones?

Stop bleating about your non-existent precious children and how you, a non parent, believe your OH will feel and actually read what people have said. And then bog off and leave that family alone.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 18-Aug-13 23:11:27

thats what im afraid of incase he isnt excited for our children cos its nothing different.

He sounds like an arse. Either that or you have a very low opinion of him. I'm assuming you don't think that all parents with more than one child of the same gender lack excitement in their DCs? This is just your DP that you think will behave in this way, isn't it?

Either way, your relationship is in trouble if you genuinely believe that your DP won't be excited about any other DCs he has cos he's already got a boy and a girl.

I'm not sure who to pity more; you, because you're with such a selfish man, or him because you think he's like that.

fackinell Sun 18-Aug-13 23:07:43

grin Brdgrl.

All children are individual. My DSD is quiet and shy but very funny and creative when you know her. I just have a feeling if we are successful with extending our family that I will have the gobbiest of gobshites imaginable (and trust me, as one, I will deserve it.) I can't wait to see my DSD with her sibling, she will be fantastic, I just know it!!

OP I really hope you can come to love your DSC, good foundations can be built on the flimsiest of common grounds: music, movies, shopping, there must be least you know your DH will be a fantastic Dad. Please don't write your DSC and marriage off until you've given it your all. It's the least they and you deserve.

Pimpf Sun 18-Aug-13 22:59:59

Are you for real?

If this is genuinely how you feel then you should do him. His children and yourself and end the relationship now.

They are his children and always will be, he will always have a relationship with them and their mother (good or bad). If you can't handle that now it isn't going to get any better

Please leave him.

brdgrl Sun 18-Aug-13 22:52:25

don't know whether to laugh or cry at notion that the only thing that makes one child different from another is their penis or vagina.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 18-Aug-13 21:46:10

He has a girl then a boy so each time ues had something different.

When they are squawking babies, whether there's a willie in the nappy or not makes not a blind bit of difference!
Gender differentiation really isn't a huge deal with babies and young DCs - they all want to push the dollspram, ride a bike, kick the ball, make mud pies and wear nail polish regardless of gender!

If you are treating your DPs DCs very differently because of their gender then you might benefit from some parenting classes - maybe you could go along together smile

feelinlucky Sun 18-Aug-13 20:39:41

You're in luck. There are plenty of men who couldn't give a shit about their kids but I would suggest you have a good one and you should probably keep him. I doubt your feelings are that unusual but they're children and you seen like a nice woman. Please remember you can damage children and try to change your negative feelings. Good luck to you. Would you really want a man who put anyone before his children?

cloudpuff Sun 18-Aug-13 20:34:50

I don't often post on here but good god if this true then please leave that family alone, for everyones sake, especially thise poor children, blended families can be great and its possible for everyone to be happy but it takes a lot of hard work and tears to get there, you really don't sound mature enough to take on the responsibility of not only being a step mum.

You should be happy that he is being a good dad to the children he already has, his commitments them came long before you. Bare in mind that you could be in the children's mums position one day, how would you feel if the girlfriend was jealous of your children? I think you should look into counselling to try and resolve your issues. Please do not rush into having a baby.

longtether Sun 18-Aug-13 20:31:09

My dp does not in any way neglect his younger child. He has a girl then a boy so each time ues had something different. When I have a child its either a girl or a boy nothing different to what his got and thats what im afraid of incase he isnt excited for our children cos its nothing different.

emilyeggs Sun 18-Aug-13 07:22:01

That's a very tough post to read OP.... I haven't read the entire thread but can say step parenting is one of the hardest things. It requires compassion and understanding. My DH had a boy & girl from his ex. We have a ds now and each are special and he loves them all. I look forward to seeing my ds with his siblings.....I couldn't do it if I felt like you, don't get me wrong, we have our moments and struggles and I work through them. I would say to you to walk away now.

daisychain01 Sun 18-Aug-13 06:12:49

Agree with the other posts. Children are human beings not "someone elses" baggages as you suggest. They need love and to feel they are cared about, and the likelihood of you doing that is zero by your own admission.

Don't get involved in a situation that you are not committed to. Recipe for disaster for many reasons.

Soundofraindrops84 Sun 18-Aug-13 00:23:52

Lol sorry I'm getting mixed up with a post on a thread on larger families, it's very similar to this. Doesn't actually say ex is a bitch but usually they r!

Soundofraindrops84 Sun 18-Aug-13 00:16:04

Op if and when u have a child (when it's the right time) you will understand what everyone is trying to say on this thread. I know if dp an I were to split, the thought of my dp meeting someone and that someone disliking my child or resenting him would break my heart.

You need to remember the children never asked for any of this, the ex might be a bitch but forget her, if you tried you could probably build a nice relationship with dcs, if your not willing to try then leave him because dps dc will always be there and they have every right to be. You need to build a relationship with then before having family with dp, or your dc maybe in the same position as dsc one day.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 18-Aug-13 00:08:08

how can be excited over anything because he will have done it all before

Just stop, for one minute and think about what you are saying.

Are you an only child? Oldest? Youngest? Regardless of your own experience, it is very rare for a parent not to feel the same excitement about each of their DCs.
Your DP has more than one child, am I right? The only reason I can think that you would be justified in thinking that any DCs he has with you will be less exciting is if he already treats his younger DC like that now.

And if he does, why are you with him?

I suggest you seek help on the relationship board to extract yourself from a relationship with a man who you clearly believe is emotionally neglecting his younger DC. Do you speak to their mother? Perhaps you need to involve her too.

You sound so sure that your DP will be non-plussed by future DCs that I can only assume you are basing your feelings on how you see him behave with his DCs right now.

Kaluki Sat 17-Aug-13 23:13:59

My ex's gf doesn't have dc and they are trying for a baby now and if I thought for one minute she felt like you do about my children I would be furious and so would my ex.
My worry is that my dc will have to watch their dad be a proper full time dad to another child when he has never been one for them. Add a stepmum who wants to erase their very existence into the mix and they would be devastated.
If that's really how you feel do the decent thing and find someone with no dc to start a family with and don't screw up your DPs family.

Spottypurse Sat 17-Aug-13 22:48:54

G and gt some counselling for yourself. On your own. Far far away from this man and his children

longtether Sat 17-Aug-13 22:39:13

I think as I do not have children of my own I can not get my head around a lot of things. Like being excited for our children because he already has some, how can be excited over anything because he will have done it all before. Thats why I resent hin having kids. So the thought of me having children and my dp being any less excited as he is with his existing children would break my heart. Thats why I worry and get paranoid and start to think some silly cruel things

brdgrl Sat 17-Aug-13 21:14:29

Righty-ho, then.

OP, could I suggest that you read through the step-parenting boards.

You might want to pay particular attention to the most recent threads.
You might find some good advice there, given that your post could almost be an inflammatory amalgamation of some of the most controversial of these threads.

Are there any specific problems you're having?

needaholidaynow Sat 17-Aug-13 20:53:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Octopus37 Sat 17-Aug-13 19:43:01

meant baggage not morgage

Octopus37 Sat 17-Aug-13 19:41:48

Please don't slate her, that isn't productive, even if its not pretty surely it's better to be honest about how you feel. However, I don't think any children you have together would be any less special. Nontheless, I think you should think about how you will cope with his kids etc going forward if this is how you feel now. Thing to remember is that most people have morgage in some shape or form. You really need to work out if you can deal with it and be truly honest with yourself, maybe it would be kinder to all concerned (yourself included) if you ended the relationship now. I kind of have personal experience of this. Not quite the same but my Dad got into a relationship seven years ago )still ongoing) with a woman who basically resents me and my Sister, obviously we are adults and have kids of our own, but she cannot cope with the baggage. She had no kids of her own and it is now very difficult for me to see my Dad or even phone their house, I see my Dad once or maybe twice a year if I am lucky. The personal grief that has come from has been on a level with the grief of loosing my Mum, although I don't give up, I try and keep things on an even keel and accept that my Dad is in an abusive relationship and it is v difficult for him to put up a fight. Hope this post hasn't come across as too strong, but in essence all I can say is give it some thought.

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