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im torn

(61 Posts)
longtether Sat 17-Aug-13 07:06:01

I have two lovely step kids but I just resent them existing so much. If it wasnt for them I could have dps first child and we could be a proper family with no added issues and dramas and baggage that comes along with step kids. I just resent them so much I hate it when we do anything with them because it should be our children we're doing everything with not some other lasses. When my children come along it won't be special to dp. He'll have done everything before he has got a boy and a girl it will be nothing new to him. I was hoping when I had children he'd be less excited about seeing them selfish I know but its more likely any children of mine will be the other ones and get left out. I love him and don't have the strength to leave him but why should my children come second fiddle to kids he didn't even want?!

balia Sat 17-Aug-13 12:09:10

School holidays.

Just saying.

FrussoHathorAKADaisythecow Sat 17-Aug-13 12:22:47

To highlight a couple of bits when we do anything with them because it should be our children we're doing everything with and excited about seeing them
Taken out of the context of your jealousy, this doesn't sound like a dad that didn't even want kids.
They sound very much loved and wanted to me, if he is excited to see them and wants to do things with them.

Are you the OW perchance?

SoupDragon Sat 17-Aug-13 12:27:53

I'm wondering if the problem is that he doesn't want children with you and you want them.

Eliza22 Sat 17-Aug-13 12:30:40

I have 3 steps. All grown up now. One is delightful. One is pretty cool about me and wonderful with my son. One is a pain in the butt and I'm grateful I no longer see her. However, she is my dh's daughter and as such will be a part of my life, forever. I have tried very hard with her and was rejected and ridiculed for my efforts. In other words, I have good reason for disliking her.

You appear to object to his children on principle and this is all wrong. For you, for him and for them. Get help, sort it out or leave.

fackinell Sat 17-Aug-13 12:41:25

OP, I have a DSD aged 16 and DP and I are trying to have a baby now. I had a MC last year. I had the same fears about ours not being as special too and DP was genuinely shocked. He said he could have 20 kids and they'd all be special.

Have you really tried to get to know them? What are their ages? Step-parenting isn't everyone's cup of tea. It may be that you need someone to be on the same level playing field as you, in which case,I would (kindly) suggest you leave.

mumandboys123 Sat 17-Aug-13 12:52:47

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

crazyhead Sat 17-Aug-13 18:37:14

I'm not a stepmum, but I was with a man with a child for a while and realised becoming a stepmum wasn't for me. I just didn't want to start off life with my own children with the added emotional complexity of a step family.

You never know what will happen in life and if anything happened to my adored DP now that left me alone with kids, maybe I'd now consider a relationship with a man with kids (at least that would feel more 'equal'), but it was unequivocally wrong for me when I didn't have children of my own. I found it very hard to leave but I have never regretted it. Decent relationships should not entail constant emotional turmoil, and I am 100 times happier now.

You certainly don't have to 'mature' into someone who wants to be a stepmother (much as I have great respect for people who DO manage to do a good job of that role) but given that you are so clear on your feelings, you do need to leave - because the people who certainly don't have any fault in this situation are these children.

By saying you don't have the guts to leave, you are sort of making yourself into the child/vulnerable one - which you aren't - you have choices and now is the time to take them, not once you've had children of your own. You need to take a risk and try to find a situation you actually want to be in.

Hope I don't sound harsh, I actually don't mean to.

elliebellys Sat 17-Aug-13 19:13:49

Somehow,i cant take this post serious..

UC Sat 17-Aug-13 19:22:10

I think crazyhead has it spot on.

brdgrl Sat 17-Aug-13 19:24:18

This is the equivalent of a reverse AIBU, isn't it.

WaitMonkey Sat 17-Aug-13 19:30:10

Is this your first post op ? Have you got nothing else to do ?
Great big biscuit for you to nibble on while you make up another load of rubbish some other place.

Octopus37 Sat 17-Aug-13 19:41:48

Please don't slate her, that isn't productive, even if its not pretty surely it's better to be honest about how you feel. However, I don't think any children you have together would be any less special. Nontheless, I think you should think about how you will cope with his kids etc going forward if this is how you feel now. Thing to remember is that most people have morgage in some shape or form. You really need to work out if you can deal with it and be truly honest with yourself, maybe it would be kinder to all concerned (yourself included) if you ended the relationship now. I kind of have personal experience of this. Not quite the same but my Dad got into a relationship seven years ago )still ongoing) with a woman who basically resents me and my Sister, obviously we are adults and have kids of our own, but she cannot cope with the baggage. She had no kids of her own and it is now very difficult for me to see my Dad or even phone their house, I see my Dad once or maybe twice a year if I am lucky. The personal grief that has come from has been on a level with the grief of loosing my Mum, although I don't give up, I try and keep things on an even keel and accept that my Dad is in an abusive relationship and it is v difficult for him to put up a fight. Hope this post hasn't come across as too strong, but in essence all I can say is give it some thought.

Octopus37 Sat 17-Aug-13 19:43:01

meant baggage not morgage

needaholidaynow Sat 17-Aug-13 20:53:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl Sat 17-Aug-13 21:14:29

Righty-ho, then.

OP, could I suggest that you read through the step-parenting boards.

You might want to pay particular attention to the most recent threads.
You might find some good advice there, given that your post could almost be an inflammatory amalgamation of some of the most controversial of these threads.

Are there any specific problems you're having?

longtether Sat 17-Aug-13 22:39:13

I think as I do not have children of my own I can not get my head around a lot of things. Like being excited for our children because he already has some, how can be excited over anything because he will have done it all before. Thats why I resent hin having kids. So the thought of me having children and my dp being any less excited as he is with his existing children would break my heart. Thats why I worry and get paranoid and start to think some silly cruel things

Spottypurse Sat 17-Aug-13 22:48:54

G and gt some counselling for yourself. On your own. Far far away from this man and his children

Kaluki Sat 17-Aug-13 23:13:59

My ex's gf doesn't have dc and they are trying for a baby now and if I thought for one minute she felt like you do about my children I would be furious and so would my ex.
My worry is that my dc will have to watch their dad be a proper full time dad to another child when he has never been one for them. Add a stepmum who wants to erase their very existence into the mix and they would be devastated.
If that's really how you feel do the decent thing and find someone with no dc to start a family with and don't screw up your DPs family.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 18-Aug-13 00:08:08

how can be excited over anything because he will have done it all before

Just stop, for one minute and think about what you are saying.

Are you an only child? Oldest? Youngest? Regardless of your own experience, it is very rare for a parent not to feel the same excitement about each of their DCs.
Your DP has more than one child, am I right? The only reason I can think that you would be justified in thinking that any DCs he has with you will be less exciting is if he already treats his younger DC like that now.

And if he does, why are you with him?

I suggest you seek help on the relationship board to extract yourself from a relationship with a man who you clearly believe is emotionally neglecting his younger DC. Do you speak to their mother? Perhaps you need to involve her too.

You sound so sure that your DP will be non-plussed by future DCs that I can only assume you are basing your feelings on how you see him behave with his DCs right now.

Soundofraindrops84 Sun 18-Aug-13 00:16:04

Op if and when u have a child (when it's the right time) you will understand what everyone is trying to say on this thread. I know if dp an I were to split, the thought of my dp meeting someone and that someone disliking my child or resenting him would break my heart.

You need to remember the children never asked for any of this, the ex might be a bitch but forget her, if you tried you could probably build a nice relationship with dcs, if your not willing to try then leave him because dps dc will always be there and they have every right to be. You need to build a relationship with then before having family with dp, or your dc maybe in the same position as dsc one day.

Soundofraindrops84 Sun 18-Aug-13 00:23:52

Lol sorry I'm getting mixed up with a post on a thread on larger families, it's very similar to this. Doesn't actually say ex is a bitch but usually they r!

daisychain01 Sun 18-Aug-13 06:12:49

Agree with the other posts. Children are human beings not "someone elses" baggages as you suggest. They need love and to feel they are cared about, and the likelihood of you doing that is zero by your own admission.

Don't get involved in a situation that you are not committed to. Recipe for disaster for many reasons.

emilyeggs Sun 18-Aug-13 07:22:01

That's a very tough post to read OP.... I haven't read the entire thread but can say step parenting is one of the hardest things. It requires compassion and understanding. My DH had a boy & girl from his ex. We have a ds now and each are special and he loves them all. I look forward to seeing my ds with his siblings.....I couldn't do it if I felt like you, don't get me wrong, we have our moments and struggles and I work through them. I would say to you to walk away now.

longtether Sun 18-Aug-13 20:31:09

My dp does not in any way neglect his younger child. He has a girl then a boy so each time ues had something different. When I have a child its either a girl or a boy nothing different to what his got and thats what im afraid of incase he isnt excited for our children cos its nothing different.

cloudpuff Sun 18-Aug-13 20:34:50

I don't often post on here but good god if this true then please leave that family alone, for everyones sake, especially thise poor children, blended families can be great and its possible for everyone to be happy but it takes a lot of hard work and tears to get there, you really don't sound mature enough to take on the responsibility of not only being a step mum.

You should be happy that he is being a good dad to the children he already has, his commitments them came long before you. Bare in mind that you could be in the children's mums position one day, how would you feel if the girlfriend was jealous of your children? I think you should look into counselling to try and resolve your issues. Please do not rush into having a baby.

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