Am I doing my DD an injustice?

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

I'm pretty sure this issue isn't unique to Stepsiblings, but it's slightly safer to post here than throw myself to the wolves elsewhere on the boards.

DD is two years older than DSS, and we began living as a family two years ago, so DSS is the same age as DD was when we all moved in together.

DD is incredibly patient and empathetic with DSS - a wonderful "older sibling" and they've grown close.

However, DD is now realising that DSS isn't being treated the same way as she was at the same age. Not only is he not expected to do the same chores or take the same level of personal responsibility as she did at his age, but there are also other allowances made because he's younger - such as board games being rigged so he wins and lower expectations of his physical capabilities such as how far he is expected to walk with an adult rather than be driven to get to an activity/event he wants to do, for instance.

There are all sorts of reasons why DSS is treated differently; firstly he's not here as frequently (DD is here 50:50, DSS one week in three). But, mainly, he's just not as competent as DD was - he can't wash or dry dishes, despite DP spending hours supporting him to do it, he isn't able to shower independently yet, and he doesn't fully understand the rules of the board games he chooses to play, hence we make allowances for him.

But how do I explain that to DD? Quite reasonably, she thinks that if he's not capable of meeting the expectations that we had of her at the same age, then he shouldn't benefit from the perks, such as later bedtimes, gadgets and more autonomy (serving themselves at the dinner table rather than an adult serving them, for instance).

As DD is an only child, I've never had to deal with this between full siblings but I'm guessing it happens? It's not been a big deal until now as DD didn't have a comparison to make - but now she does and although she's not making a fuss, I don't want to create resentment by not dealing with it effectively!

[Sam100]

You dd sounds very sensible! Why not ask her what she thinks is fair? Point out the limitations that dss has re chores and ask her what she thinks he should do instead or how you can all help dss to learn to be as responsible as she is.

I don't think you should rig board games. Our DS is 7 and his sisters are 10 and 11. They play games together without any need for rigging - he quite often beats them!

We also do staggered bedtimes based on age, even if the eldest only stays up an extra 15 minutes.

[theredhen]

I've always handled this by explaining to ds that I want him to grow up to be capable. If dsc parents want them to have the same capabilities, then it's up to their parents to show them that and not you.

I wouldn't rig board games, he's not a toddler anymore.

I would also point out to dd how much more able and mature she is when she notices these things. Assuming she's not going to rub dss nose in it.

Some kids want to grow up, and relish the responsibility, some are like your dss and are hard work to get them to take responsibility for themselves.

Doesn't mean they shouldn't do it but it will mean your dp having to nag, cajole and remind in a way I doubt you did for your dd.