3 Year old DSS said I hit him...(11 Posts)
also, try not to take it personally. I know that DS really looks up to DP and really loves him, he doesn't say it because he doesn't like him but just to see what happens and see if he can get a reaction and hopefully make someone take his side.
They really do make things up and most parents know this and most parents know when they lying.
My DS has just turned 4 and he is forever telling me that DP (his stepdad) has hit him, I can be in the next room and I can hear everything, as soon as DP tells him off a tiny bit DS will come to me and tell me that he's hit him! I just try not to give him much of a reaction because he's obviously wanting to win one over on DP, I think the more of a fuss you or anybody else makes about it the more likely he is to say it again.
My dd (age 2.5) has told both dh and I that the other parent has hit her several times. We have never hit her, and though she has seen the older dsc hit each other on occasion, this has always been punished so I have no idea where these claims have come from. I assume it is an age related boundary pushing stage. At this age however they are still young enough to thinks adults have supernatural powers, i.e. "I know when you are fibbing and it makes me cross/sad because it is not nice behaviour", so I try to play on that. I do understand that things are different with sc's though. Kids this age have a much larger ability to reason (and shit stir) that we usually give them credit for, for so maybe you and your dp could explain very simply to dss how this has made you feel?
Yep - I have been accused of ripping earrings out of DSD ears (a fair few years back now). When I questioned DSD in front of mom and asked why there was no sign of force on her ears, mom soon backtracked. Also like Xalla mom is very quick to rely on me for childcare and the loss of the support would impact heavily on her life style.
That said I remember my DS when he was about 4 telling me that his childminder burned him with cigarettes on his arms and legs and that his aunty locked him in the cupboard! Needless to say there was certainly no burn marks and he did say she held them on him for ages and luckily I had known her for considerable time.
I have reminded him of this over the years and now he is 14 he a) cringes and b)now realises the impact this could have had on her.
This happened to me too around the age my DSD was 3. First her maternal grandmother said that DSD had told her I'd been telling her to call me "Mummy". DSD was pretty delayed with her speech and at that age, there was no way she could have strung such a sentence together so we put it down to the maternal grandmother making it up. A few months later, maternal grandmother announced DSD had told her I'd hit her. I was pretty affronted by this especially as I'd recently had my son and DSD's Mum was threatening to call the police and SS.
I did what EleanorRigby suggested and said under no circumstances would I spend anytime with DSD alone anymore. This threw a spanner in the works for Mum who relied on me picking DSD up from nursery and looking after her until my DH got home 3 times a week. A few days later Mum called my DH and said that DSD had told her she was 'joking'. Again, we knew there was no way DSD was capable of that kind of communication. Whether it was the maternal grandmother or Mum that had made it up I don't know but it didn't happen again.
My Dss once told me his mum threw a knife at him, he did a Ninja jump and kicked it out the way so he was safe (he was 4 at the time) he then told his mum that we had moved house (we hadn't). Children make things up, they just don't realise the impact their funny little stories can have on the adults!
If it makes you feel better my DD will tell me that DP 'hit me on my fave like this' with examples. And will tell DO that I did the exact same when I'm not here. If I'm a bit down she sill ask 'Is daddy hitting you again?' We NEVER hit her, or eachother. i dont know where she got it from, I think it's just a weird phase.
OK I think you can breath a sigh of relief.
If you have a decent relationship with the mother/grandparents and they are already downplaying what your DSS said I think you will be fine.
Also as you said because DSS and his mother are moving far away you won't be seeing so much of him anyway.
I would have been worried if his mother or grandparents had reacted badly to what your DSS had said. I think if they were going to act on what the boy had said they would have done it already.
My DSD disclosed something to her mother the story morphed into DP had been violent to me, DSD and DD for years. DSD's mother lapped it all up immediately involved social service and police without discussion. This suited her as she had a new boyfriend and wanted DP, DD and I out of the way. Queue 6 months of social service, police and family court involvement
The above is not going to happen to you.
As I said before if DSS mother was going act on what he said she would have done so already.
Relax and enjoy the last few months of your pregnancy. I'm sure it's going to be ok.
Thanks for posting.
I have said I don't want to be left alone with him and grandparents/DH said I was overreacting and that 'children makes things up'.
I don't have a relationship with the mother, we've met and we were cordial but she is moving over 200 miles away with DSS at the end of the month so I doubt we'll see him much anyway - although we'd love to see him more.
I do a lot for DSS, I organise all activities betwen DH and DSS, all meals and help put in place a structure etc so I don't think anyway can say that I'm not involved or don't want to know, so still upset me.
I've always said I disapprove of smacking and in fact its the grandparents and DH who very occasionally give him a tap on the hand, not me! My neice and nephew are never smakced, I've said I don't want to smack our children and I certainly wouldn't ever smack him!
Will defo take your advice. Thanks again.
Can't post a length now...
I would for the moment never be left alone with the boy.
You do need to be careful.
What is your relationship like with the mother and grandparents?
He told his grandmother that I hit him - which is obviously completely untrue! I work in the City so by the time I get home from work in the evenings I see him for 15 minutes if he is not staying over for the night. I am rarely left on my own with him (maybe once or twice in the last few months for no more than an hour) and I certainly wouldn't even raise my voice to him let alone hit him!!
I was very upset when my DH told me this, I was also told that when he was asked 'what I do to him' he got hold of something and hit himself on the forehead and said "she hits me like this" he was told at the time that he mustn't tell fibs.
I was absolutely distraught when I think back to it. His mother hasn't said anything which makes me think it was an isolated incident and he has only said this to his grandparents. But is this normal? Do children make up stories like this?
He is very happy around me, he never gives any indication that he doesn't like being around me, on the contrary! I think he may see me as another 'mother-type figure' which can be more of a disciplinarian. I am not as soft on him as everyone else is i.e. I will ask him to say please and thank you for things and to 'be ncie' when he may not be...but that is the extent of any real discipline. I leave anything more to my DH (which is rare!). He is quite spoiled as he is an only child which I understand, but I wondered if I should be concerned with him saying that I hit him?! He is only 3 so I know they get carried away, but I'm not sure.
Any help is much appreciated, I am 6 months pregnant and don't want to be stressing out over this if its normal, or maybe in need to put in place some other measures if he is going to keep saying this??
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