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Lies and destruction - how to cope

(30 Posts)
bigredbaboonsbottom Wed 24-Jul-13 12:27:09

I've tried so hard to bond with DP's two kids and thought that everything was going well, although the usual arguments about consideration, tidiness and cleanliness with the pre-teen.

We found out in January that we were expecting a baby, and we made a point of making sure that DP's boys were involved and that they knew that it wouldn't make any difference to the way we felt about them.

Recently the pre-teen has refused to come and visit and won't talk to me at all, he's been rude to his grandmother, demands that his elder brother and BM run around after him and claims that both DP and I are victimising him. When asked in front of his BM to give examples of when this happened he just looked at the floor and wouldn't say anything.

We then found out that he had told a neighbour that we hit him and that he's scared of us... to say that we are devastated is an understatement. We have NEVER raised a finger to him nor would we. His dad would rather chop off his right arm than harm him. We have tried to arrange a meeting on neutral territory to talk to him about it, but he just says he doesn't want to come.

The baby is due in three weeks and I am in bits - I have told DP that I don't want to be left alone with pre-teen as I don't want to be in a position where it's his word against mine. I know that he's DP's son, but all I can think about is protecting my baby. In contrast, the older son stays with us the majority of the time, we sit down to dinner together and actually talk.

I feel myself withdrawing from the whole situation and contemplating moving back to be with my own family rather than have to deal with such a destructive force. I know that is cowardly, but I just feel so scared.

Any advice on how to deal with this would be much appreciated. I just keep coming up with worst case scenarios and it's making me cry. sad

bigredbaboonsbottom Wed 31-Jul-13 14:09:17

I don't doubt that it is making him insecure and we have tried to include him and tried to get him involved.

He has taken the decision not to come and all we can do is continue to tell him that the door is always open for him and make every effort to keep the lines of communication open between him and us. It's difficult trying to make someone feel secure when you aren't being spoken to or visited.

Yes, it is awful being accused of something that you have not done. Which we have not. I would not wish this feeling on anyone and hope that you never feel it Shot.

shotofexpresso Wed 31-Jul-13 14:10:54

I'm just ascertaining because I have a background of Child Pro. so I know you can never be certain.

bigredbaboonsbottom Wed 31-Jul-13 17:05:06

Could you help me then?

Have you come across similar situations and is there anyone that I can talk to about it?

I have no idea where to start - do we go to the school and ask for a Counsellor? (although as school has finished, I suppose that isn't really a possibility)

As he is not my child, am I able to call someone up to discuss the situation?

Where do I start getting help to get the situation sorted?

brdgrl Thu 01-Aug-13 22:48:07

Can I ask if any of you found that a problematic DSC suddenly became an angel and wanted to be involved when their little brother/sister arrived?

Not an angel...but I can say that things improved tenfold after DD arrived. I say that she was the 'sugar that helped the medicine go down'...DSD did not want me, but she did want a baby sister.

DD also made us all feel like more of a family. Suddenly it wasn't just me on the outside of a circle; it was like the centre of the family shifted and DH and I were more of a unit.

It also made it so much easier for me to be assertive. Instead of just defending myself, I was defending the rights of DD - to be safe, to be happy, to have a clean house and space to play....and also, to have a mother who was respected and not have to see her mum be treated like a second-class citizen.

bigredbaboonsbottom Sat 03-Aug-13 10:17:12

Pleased that it worked out like that for you Brdgrl.

I would settle for a visit and a talk at the moment, just to try and stop the hurt look in DP's eyes. Response to question, Will you be coming over this weekend was "dunno, haven't decided yet".

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