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is the bm still 'in'with ur dp family?

(92 Posts)
in2minds22 Wed 24-Jul-13 11:01:15

It pisses me off. She does everything to try and be in there.Shes like a dogs d**k. She's going his sisters today (who I have on Facebook) with her (and dp) kids. And now ill have all the pictures on Facebook to look forward to. Dp works so do I so when we do have the kids we take them out for the day so don't always have time to take them to see go round his sisters and dads. I know her kids are his sisters niece/nephew but it just pisses me off how she has to be in there especially when me and dp are not. (His family are mental/two faced have caused drama) so me and dp detach ourselves. Im dying to tell bm some of the stuff theyve said to me behind her back. Nasty things like she doesnt change her knickers or wash her hair etc but I wouldnt stoop that low and cause unnecessary drama but it's soooo tempting cos she thinks she's best mates with them when really they just slag her off behind her back.. I just cant wait til she drops a kid to her new bf and f**ks off! !

Petal02 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:02:14

But some people ask me if I'm talking about my step father or real father. If I use the term "real father" I'm not insulting either men, it's simply a way to distinguish between the two in conversation.

ResNulis Wed 24-Jul-13 13:02:59

In blended families, mother - or derivative- is the mother who gave birth if a qualifying prefix is needed, then it would need to be for the person who did not give birth i.e. step-mother, second-mum

Best I have heard of is a friend whose gaggle of six steps all call her Addy. Stems from their DF carefully explaining that "of course his new wife would not replace their mum...she would be like an add-on mum".
It stuck.

hothereinnit Wed 24-Jul-13 13:03:31

issues surrounding 'birth' mother/biological mother aside, I can partly see where the OPis coming from.

My dh's ex is still 'in' with his family, to the point where all my inlaws refer to her as their sil, dil, whatever, in my place (ie, I am not their sil/dil/whatever, because she is)

I am not at all bothered by her still being in contact with my inlaws, but it does annoy me that I am denied by them because they think they must have loyalty to her.

My bils have both said (on separate occasions) that their 'real' nephews/nieces are my stepchildren, and they do not count my children as relations.

which is just plain odd really.

and yes, it rankles slightly (only slightly, as I am not sure I want my children having much contact with people who hold such bizarre views, tbh) that there is a whole side of the family that do not accept my (and dh's) children.

MorrisZapp Wed 24-Jul-13 13:05:47

Do you mean that your inlaws deny the kids you have with your DP, or do you have kids from before that they do not consider to be part of the family?

ImNotBloody14 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:06:12

Why not just say father though petal?

hothereinnit Wed 24-Jul-13 13:07:09

me, Morris? I only have children with dh, so they deny children who are as related to them (via their son/brother/whatever) as the children they accept (my step children) are!

in2minds22 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:09:55

Oh right I thought people used it to refer to their step mother as in biological mam. So what is used to describe her then? Ex

ImNotBloody14 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:12:25

Yes she is your partner's ex or your step dc's mum.

in2minds22 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:16:33

Hothereinnit at least someone understand. its not I have a problem with her taking the kids there its just cos me and dp are pushed out thats what irritating

Ledkr Wed 24-Jul-13 13:20:12

I'm still very close to some of my ex's family. Why wouldn't I? I split with him not them? I even get on quite well with him too.
I think you need to calm down a bit and concentrate on getting on with his family yourself a bit more.

sparklebabe Wed 24-Jul-13 14:12:33

I agree with Petal it does get confusing for other people, my family is so blended I'm constantly having to explain who I'm talking about. Sometimes I refer to my brother as my brother and people say you don't have a brother so I have to let them know I mean step brother. have 3 half sisters. My step dad referred to his step dad as plastic dad and his real dad as real dad! Most of the people in my family I'm not actually related to ha ha!

But unless you come from one you probably wouldn't get it?

ImNotBloody14 Wed 24-Jul-13 14:47:08


I 'get' that i am my dcs' mum. Not one of their mums like you can have more than one brother so it would need clarification. No-one is going to say to my dcs ' you dont have a mum' if they hear them talking about their mum. Its really not hard to get. They have one mum. The person married to their father is their step mum. No confusion there. I dont need an addition to my name to save shit stirrers from getting confused.

sparklebabe Wed 24-Jul-13 15:43:44

Yeah but people don't always know that! So many people think my step dad is my dad and refer to him as my dad. But he isn't my dad, although has been around a really really long time. So I always have to clarify who I am talking about. I also tend to say my real dad (insert first name) or my step dad (insert first name) people get confused and assume I come from a 2 parent home.
And it's nothing to do with shit stirring is it, it's just coming from a confusing family background!

ImNotBloody14 Wed 24-Jul-13 15:54:06

But if you always refer to him as stepdad and your dad as dad then there is no room for confusion is there? If people mistakenly think he is your dad you just correct them dont you? People often think my dad is mu sons' dad as he doesnt look his age. He just corrects them and says he's their granda. No need to start referring to their dad as 'real' dad

sparklebabe Wed 24-Jul-13 16:01:57

I do see where you're coming from and I don't think of my mum as my real mum or my dad as my real dad. But you spend so much time explaining who is who to people you do start giving people labels to make things easier. So for example this is my step dads step brothers step daughters step child starts to get annoying at family gatherings! So in my head I do just label everyone as real and step (also use rental) lol! So this is my rental cousins step child! If that makes any sense to you??

I refer to my partners childs mum generally by her first name or partners daughters mum. Maybe families should all stay together as mine is getting too big and I'm confusing myself!!!! confused

Mhysa Wed 24-Jul-13 16:09:54

I know how you feel OP, DSCs M is always there DD, me and my DCs (their DGC) are not even regarded as family. But her new DCs from new relationship are treated better than mine, they never liked me (I don't know why, I made every possible effort) but feel my DCs are being cut out of there lives as they dislike me sad

AntoinetteCosway Wed 24-Jul-13 16:10:26

Your OP is utterly revolting.

BumpAndGrind Wed 24-Jul-13 16:10:58

Why would you want to be 'in' with two faced back stabbers?

Genuine Question...

NatashaBee Wed 24-Jul-13 16:11:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 24-Jul-13 17:30:30

i think maybe its because you seem to need to box everyone into 'real' or 'step' (rental is actually quite hurtful! do your step family like being called 'rental' family?). also, do you really spend that much time discussing your family set-up to people who don't already know it? I generally refer to people by their name and if people want to know who that person is in relation to me or my dcs I just say "oh that's my uncle" or "that's the boys' stepmum" but really I don't tend to have conversations about their stepfamily with people who don't already know our family. i.e; close friends or family.

CountryGal13 Wed 24-Jul-13 17:44:07

Oh heck, I didn't know this either.(but I do now) I'm sure the op didn't mean to offend.

brdgrl Wed 24-Jul-13 18:32:29

Sometimes a prefix is helpful. I do not think the OP's choice means anything other than that she was ignorant of the unwritten MN prohibition.

Keep in mind that some stepmums do play a massive parenting role. I have 'mothered' my DSS for the last five years. I am not his mother, but I act as his mother in many ways. I always refer to myself as his "stepmother", never his mother, and I have never referred to his mother as his BM. That works for us.

But in point of fact, some step-parents are 'real' parents to their children. It may offend some people to see "BM", but some of the phrasing of the arguments against it, is just as offensive.

sparklebabe Wed 24-Jul-13 18:42:58

rental actually comes from a cartoon my brother and I used to watch. we do discuss it last Christmas had the same argument with my brother that I am not his sister in law but step sister when he was introducing everyone to his gf. I have told him so many times now that it is not sister in law lol. my nan always agrees with him.

needaholidaynow Wed 24-Jul-13 22:02:26

I say "DSD's mum".

I find the whole "step-mum" "second-mum" "bonus-mum" thing a bit distasteful really.

I have a "step-dad", and he has been in my life since I was 12 years old. I am 23 now, and not even once in the past 11 years that I have known him and been in the same family as him have I ever referred to him as my "step-dad". He has always been known to me as my "mum's partner". Nothing more nothing less. It is just how I view step families; they are indeed family but I do not see the need to see them as dads, mums, daughters, sons, grandparents, etc...

At the end of the day I am not my mum's partner's daughter am I? So why would I call him dad and why would he refer to me as a daughter? I know who my parents are and he knows who his child is. Even at the age of 12 I didn't want to pretend I was an inherited daughter.

This mindset does extend to me and my own "step-daughter". Only on MN do I ever refer to her as my step-daughter. In RL I call her my partner's daughter. I bumped in to a friend from my old work the other day, who I haven't seen in a few years and I was with my DP, my two DSs and my DSD. She was asking me are all 3 of them mine, and I said the boys are and this is my partner's daughter. That is who she is, and in RL I have never once referred to her as my step-daughter or myself as her step-mum. I'm her dad's partner. We are both of a strong family unit but we don't need to to see ourselves as a bonus mum and daughter.

Maybe I have always had a very distorted view of step parenting, but I think people should remain very loyal to their actual parents/ children. My mum ran off with her current partner and I have taken to step families very well, which is why I often question myself just why I chose a man with a child. I wasn't prepared to call my mum's partner "step-dad" because to me I would be betraying my dad. I don't want my partner's daughter to refer to me as "step-mum" because I am not her mum and the connotations that come with this are that I am some sort of second mum and I find this very negative. Why can't I be seen as a friend figure and be referred to as her dad' partner who she can look up to rather than another "mum"?

needaholidaynow Wed 24-Jul-13 22:04:45

* I haven't taken to step families very well

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