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Such a tiny thing...

(12 Posts)
IOpenAtTheClose Mon 22-Jul-13 23:56:10

This is sort of a cross between an AIBU and a general moan I suppose...

Does anyone else get where, what seems such a small thing, can feel utterly horrid because of all the back story etc?

DSS was with his grandparents today (DPs parents, who are also my DDs bio grandparents but choose not to act it...) and had all the usual stuff, an outing, new toy, meal out, tons of stuff to bring home none of which they ever do for DD and the GPs said they would drop him home after they'd been out... Okay then.

5o clock rolls round, and were not really thinking too much of it yet. Then 6pm. 7. Were holding off on making dinner as we were waiting for DSS and weren't sure what he would have already had etc. I give up and put some quick crap oven food in for DD. Just coming up to 8pm and they finally drop DSS off with his bags and bags of new shit.

DP decides he is going to nip out to the shop for a drink and to get some sandwich stuff for tomorrow and takes DSS with him. Turns out DSS hasn't had an evening meal so DP lets him choose whatever he wants as they're out. They come home and DSS tucks in. DD has noticed he's got (in her mind, interesting outside food) something she hasn't and walks over, and just stares at him, with ever such a disappointed look on her face.

Such a small thing yet I felt totally suffocated by the lump in my throat. Poor DD, waited ages for her dinner for him to deign to join us, ends up with quick rubbish oven food and then DP goes and treats DSS to whatever he chooses when he's already had a lovely day full of treats and DD hadn't. Wouldn't have killed him to go get something for DD from shop when she was hungry waiting for his bloomin' kid to show up off his jollies!

As I say, it was such a small thing, but it was bad enough for DD that her grandparents love her brother n treat him but not her, n then her own dad pulls a stunt like this on her.

(Massive backstory of DSS being treated better than wills and kates new baby will be, and DD getting fuck all in comparison from that side of the family)

Princessjonsie Tue 23-Jul-13 02:00:41

You are right to be annoyed . Happened to me once and we had a huge row about it. Must say it never happened again. My step son visit and my husband took him out for a walk. When they came back,we ate dinner and settled down to watch a movie. My stepson went to is bag and bought out a large bag if sweets. He started to eat them. I asked where my sons were and he hadn't bought him any. I said that he would have to share which he refused to do. My husband backed him up. I went out and got my son a larger bag if sweets and icecream. When that came out my stepson demanded icecream and that my son shared his. I refused and my husband then got the point . Hated being petty but taught him the lesson you don't buy one without the other when they are together.

Monty27 Tue 23-Jul-13 03:02:36

It's not a small thing at all angry

I'd be tempted to insist they (all the dcs) go as a family with the gp's. I'm not in the situation at all but it all sounds very inequitable to me. Do they see the dss dm when they're out or something? It just sounds unhealthy, not just for your dd, but for the dss as well.

Frenchvanilla Tue 23-Jul-13 06:17:44

Um. That's awful.

How does your DP feel about his daughter being ignored by his parents?

Eliza22 Tue 23-Jul-13 09:08:02

That's not small. That's shite and I'm really sad for your dd and you.

Grandparents? Shame on them.

teaandbourbons Tue 23-Jul-13 09:15:44

How do the grandparents justify taking one grandchild out and leaving the other at home? I would ask them outright, it's out of order and your DP should be seeing that too hmm

Purple2012 Tue 23-Jul-13 09:19:25

I had sympathy until you spoke about dss with contempt. Saying ' for him to deign to join us'

Its not his fault. Its the grandparents you should be annoyed with.

TheBakeryQueen Tue 23-Jul-13 09:47:20

It's not dss's fault, it's his dad & grandparents' fault so you really need to sort out your attitude towards him & be the adult here (as no-one else is!).

However, in terms of how the grandparents are treating your dd, I would not allow that either.

I would be adamant that they either treat both children the same or see neither of them. Seriously.

If your partner can't agree & back you up in this then I don't see how you can make it work as a family.

LookingForwardToMarch Tue 23-Jul-13 09:51:50

Thats totally not on!

Have you kicked off and let him know that its totally unacceptable?

If he doesn't get the point then the next time he or gp has dss take your dd somewhere fantabulous!!!

(and make sure she brings back lots of non sharing treats and presents)

LookingForwardToMarch Tue 23-Jul-13 09:54:53

And I doubt op has contempt for dss in real life.

You are bound to be frustrated and feel abit grrr.

She just vented on here.

catsmother Tue 23-Jul-13 10:05:16

This isn't small at all. Favouritism never is.

It's bad enough the grandparents have this attitude but they're being enabled by the fact they're allowed to treat SS so differently.

How old are the respective children ? Not that this would make any difference to the favouritism but the only possible "reason" for this I can think (clutching at straws) of is that maybe the grandparents are the sort of people who find babies/toddlers impossible but are prepared to make more of an effort with older children who aren't quite as demanding to look after. However, even if that were the case, you'd think they'd show a modicum of tact and "balance out" the gift buying by bringing back stuff for DD too.

Let me guess: either they're expressing their disapproval of the "2nd" relationship (maybe they're still pally with the ex) and think using children to do this is acceptable, or, they believe SS is a "victim" and must make up the breakdown of his parents' relationship by spoiling him. Which isn't acceptable either.

Like French and Tea, I too wonder why your DP allows this ? He should feel just as outraged as you do at the fact that their respective grandchildren are treated so differently. I don't know how old DD is but obviously all of this is going to become more apparent to her as she gets older and will be incredibly hurtful. Not just the grandparents' favouritism but the fact her dad lets it happen - which is potentially the most hurtful aspect of this. There's also huge potential - when one child is so clearly no. 1 - of that child "lording" it over the less favoured child - which will make DD feel even worse.

Re: yesterday's incident specifically and quite apart from anything else, it's bloody rude to take SS out without at least calling you about when they intended to bring him back. Then your DP compounds the issue - after DD's seen (presumably ?) her brother loaded up with booty - by taking him out and letting him choose "special" food because he'd not eaten. I can't believe there was nothing at home that could have been rustled up quickly for him (beans on toast, microwave jacket pot etc). So your DD gets a double whammy of her brother being treated specially. What the heck did your DP think he was playing at ? Has he got no sensitivity at all ? - like his parents. Does he have some "guilt" thing going on re: the split from SS's mum ?

Your poor DD ..... as I said, I don't think this is small. If it's happening regularly I'd say it's pretty cruel and irresponsible and I don't see how on earth your DP can justify what his parents are doing. He should be telling them that they're fair to both children (doesn't necessarily have to be at the same time if two kids are too much for them - so long as it all balances out in the end) or they don't see either. Really - I know that sounds drastic but the alternative - what's happening now - seems to be at the expense of your daughter's self esteem and the deliberate promotion of one child over another which is dreadful. You have really got to confront your DP and lay it on the line with him, and he should man up and sort this out before any more damage is done to your daughter.

brdgrl Tue 23-Jul-13 11:04:47

I think the OP is entitled to a bit of cross language, in the circumstances.

How old are the kids, IOpen?

I agree it is no small thing. I have two DSCs and a DD, and had similar experiences with their grandfather - pampering the older kids and completely ignoring DD. It's really awful. DH did eventually confront his father about it, and he was apologetic (made a lot of excuses, but he did change his approach) - sadly, he passed away not long after that, but I will always be glad that we got the issue out in the open before that.

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