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Lose Lose Situation!

(87 Posts)
needaholidaynow Mon 24-Jun-13 08:05:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisychain01 Fri 28-Jun-13 17:08:10

needaholiday - can I ask the (perhaps impertinent) 'devil's advocate' question - why do you care what DSD's mother thinks or feels? Does it really matter? How does it contribute to your happiness to have her approval? Probably not a lot, I expect! I only ask this question having been there myself, worrying far too much about what someone thinks of me, when actually what they think has no bearing on my world! Especially as you describe a very lovely relationship with your DSD (that's the most important thing, surely?)

Not meant as a criticism in any way, but hopefully a constructive observation ... but the fact you talk about her in terms of her being upset at you, suggests that her opinion matters. Just a thought - because it is highly likely she will do the same to you again, and again, and likely you will never be able to please her (we all choose our attitude in life, and she has chosen to be a pain in the botty when she could be more understanding - probably fat chance of that!). I think it could take up "head-space" when it's time to let go. It can be very empowering when you finally realise what that person thinks about you isn't important any more wink

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 17:23:22

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daisychain01 Fri 28-Jun-13 18:25:27

You sound like a very similar nature to me tbh! I hope the messages of support you are getting from your posting will give you some strength so you slowly but surely move into a new phase. No need to lose the caring side of your nature (there is nothing worse than someone who is totally immune from what people think, that is the other end of the spectrum - being hard as nails isn't nice!). I totally 'get' what you mean about the desperate way some (not all) ex's can enjoy the feeling of power, using children like pawns in a game - but if you can keep the 'moral high ground' by remaining calm and not responding, you will always be able to look back and know you behaved correctly (unfortunately, best will in the world, you can't control what other people do - as many of the posters here have already said). None of us want you to be a nervous wreck flowers

MissStrawberry Fri 28-Jun-13 18:40:28

Maybe she wants you there as a reminder that she had a child with your DH before he did.

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 18:53:41

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needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 18:59:42

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allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 19:18:42

Miss strawberry I didn't understand that at all. You think she wants to remind who- him, herself, or the OP? Either way I'd struggle to understand, isnt it obvious by the very existence of the child?

MissStrawberry Fri 28-Jun-13 19:37:01

Well yes, but the tone of the posts implied the previous wife really did not like this boy so I just wondered. Obviously not reminding herself hmm.

allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 19:42:40

So trying to remind the 2 year old she doesn't like? Jeez hopefully she's not that bad.

MissStrawberry Fri 28-Jun-13 19:57:53

No, not trying to say anything to the 2 year old at all.

allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 20:26:46

Who to then, the OP?

MissStrawberry Fri 28-Jun-13 20:32:52

I think it is obvious in my original post on the subject.

Ledkr Fri 28-Jun-13 20:45:33

My dd is in a show tomorrow night and I only bought one ticket as dh will fall asleep needs to look after dd2 who would spoil the show if she came.
She's being an idiot if you ask me.
Dance moms are a bit weird.

allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 20:47:37

That just doesn't make any sense. By the sounds of the OP sees the child on a regular basis. Are you suggesting the ex is wanting the OP to attend, leaving her own child behind, to illustrate how important her partners first child is? That seems twisted to me clearly to the extent I have great difficulty comprehending it!

PrettyPaperweight Fri 28-Jun-13 21:16:54

missstrawberry I don't think you're far wrong there; this is a perfect opportunity for the OPs DPs ex to publically mark her territory - after all, he is the father of her DD who is starring in the show!

Some Mums would actually set their DCs stepmum up - invite her along to an event and then play the victim to her friends/other parents about how insensitive it was of her to turn up.
I don't think that's the case here; Mum is clearly marking her territory by dictating how her DCs stepmum should behave - playing the trump card of I'm the mother as a way of pulling rank, putting the OP in her place and reminding her that despite having a family with her ex, he is her ex, and therefore she had him before the OP!

allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 21:23:30

How bizarre. Sometimes things make me realise the human race really hasn't evolved very far from our predecessors

MissStrawberry Fri 28-Jun-13 21:26:38

<shakes hands with PrettyPaperweight>

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 21:44:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 21:46:15

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MissStrawberry Fri 28-Jun-13 21:48:09

Maybe you could do a trial run to see what you need to give to your DS to keep him happy and quiet for 2 hours at this show?? (as long as you could leave sharpish so the child isn't distressed) wink

<remembers shovelling rice cakes into DS2's mouth aged about 2 at DS1's assembly in a vain attempt to keep him quiet.>

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 21:48:54

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mumandboys123 Fri 28-Jun-13 21:51:20

why, why, WHY??????

mother is happy to have step mother in child's life. Mother believes she is doing the 'right thing' by inviting step mother to child's dance recital. Step mother can't attend. Mother put out by this - rightly or wrongly - and expresses it. Step mother, egged on by god knows how many other step mothers, twists what to any sensible person is simply something where two people are somewhat at cross-purposes and not getting on, into something really quiet sinister involving hours of careful thought about just who is important and who isn't in the father's life. The father. What on earth has he got to do with it?

you do realise that you have constant conflict with the ex because you look for it, don't you?

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 21:52:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 21:54:38

That's unfair, how was the OP to expect trouble from the ex for no attending her DSCs show? She didn't exactly ask for that hmm

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 21:58:22

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