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Lose Lose Situation!

(87 Posts)
needaholidaynow Mon 24-Jun-13 08:05:21

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needaholidaynow Thu 27-Jun-13 18:04:38

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stepmooster Thu 27-Jun-13 18:09:34

Hi Purpleroses, that was my thoughts exactly. Before our DD was born DSS was the 'baby' of both families. Now he is not the baby on our side anymore and the ex has accussed my DH of starting a new family to forget about the old one (completely forgetting DSS is a product of her Second marriage when she already had kids).

But in our case the ex doesn't care if I go to DSS end of year play just if DH didn't attend. DH is going and DD is at home with me for the exact same reasons as OP. So I'm not really sure what planet the OP's DP' ex is on?

CaptainSweatPants Thu 27-Jun-13 18:12:48

Well I'd go & if ds makes a fuss either you or dp could take him out

You said you wanted to see the show so why don't you try that?

needaholidaynow Thu 27-Jun-13 18:20:47

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needaholidaynow Thu 27-Jun-13 18:24:19

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PrettyPaperweight Thu 27-Jun-13 19:05:06

I'm just trying to fathom out why this is such a big deal and the only thing I can come up with is it's very important to this little girl, it's her first show and she wants you there.

jan I assume you're not familiar with step-parenting dynamics?

What the DC may, or may not, be feeling is frequently at the very bottom of an exW considerations!
Fathoming out why things are such a big deal for their DSC mum is a full time job for many Stepmums - why doesn't she want her DCs laundry to be done at Dads house, why can't her DCs say hello to their stepmum when they see her in the street, why can't stepmum go along to sports day?

What bloody difference does it make why the OP doesn't want to go? Would a grandparent be expected to go along to see a dance show if their DGC wanted them to, and told they were exaggerating if they explained they may not be able to sit for that long (aches, pains, weak bladder)? What about an aunt? Would toddler cousins be expected to sit through the dance performance because the DC wants their Auntie there?

Bollocks. This is yet another example of how Stepmums are expected to sacrifice their own lives, opinions, values and ethics in order to keep the mother if their DSC on side.
If that is what society expects then forget it - I'm certainly not cut out to be anything other than a WSM!!!!!

needaholidaynow Thu 27-Jun-13 19:56:29

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ladydeedy Thu 27-Jun-13 21:24:15

Ignore the stupid woman and dont let it rile you.
there'll be other opportunities. Enjoy getting the full rundown from your DSD later.

needaholidaynow Thu 27-Jun-13 22:10:40

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ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Thu 27-Jun-13 22:20:04

You can't win can you really - a Mum that is stropping because the step-mum isn't going... who'd have thought??

I would go with DS, then take him out if he can't sit still - IMO they need regular 'tries' at this before they can do it but because I wanted to go, not because of DH's ex.

She is being an idiot - best ignored.

allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 10:57:34

"can't he behave for two hours in an environment where there will be other children just like him there?"

A 2 year old? Are you serious? - "can't he behave for two hours" hmm. Yeah OP, why don't you just drug him up so he'll sit quietly to keep the ex happy.

2 year olds ruin many a school play/show - what's the point in bringing them to ruin it for the children performing/adults watching, make the toddler bored and miserable, just to keep the OP's partner's ex happy.

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 12:47:19

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Jan45 Fri 28-Jun-13 13:26:30

Ok, before anyone else blasts me for not having the brain to work out what a stepmum is all about, I've been there and wore the t-shirt. If the OP cannot take her toddler to a show that is so important it is causing friction between both families and upsetting the little girl then fine, her choice of course. Personally, I wouldn't let my badly behaved toddler stop me from going, in that case, you'd never go anywhere that involved sitting for more than an hour or so, surely if your child plays up you can take him outside for a bit, we've all been there, sometimes toddlers have to learn to suffer the boredom! Prettypayperweight: no need to patronise me because you don't agree with my opinion. If the OP really means she wants to see the show, the only thing stopping her is her toddler's behavour - looks more to me like you actually don't really want to go and perhaps the mum is thinking the same.

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 13:36:16

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allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 13:43:28

"badly behaved toddler", "the only thing stopping her is her toddler's behavour".

FGS the child is 2 years old. A bored/fidgeting 2 year old has got nothing to do with bad behaviour. Good god.

SidneyBristow Fri 28-Jun-13 13:52:00

Even if she just flat out does not want to go, and is using her toddler as an excuse - what business is it of the DSD's mum?

Is the OP allowed to review the DSD's mum's diary and weigh in on whether her reasons are "valid" for going/not going to events?

Personally OP I still think you never owed an explanation and your DH was wrong to give one. The only answer should've been "Needaholiday can't go; hopefully she'll be able to make the next one; DD is fine with it and understands" - end of. Once she started in with her opinions, your DH should've said something along the lines of "your opinion is noted" and changed the topic.

It's ironic how so often on MN you read "No is a complete sentence." Why doesn't that apply here?

Jan45 Fri 28-Jun-13 14:46:41

All toddlers can be badly behaved, I'm not singleing out one child, you all need to chill out a bit and respect other people's opinions whether you agree or not. If you don't want opinions, don't post.

This is my last bit of input here as clearly if I don't back up what is said then I'm talking mince, nice to see folk seeing two sides to every story.

OP, you must do what you think is right, you asked, I gave my opinion, I can't help it if you think it's wrong, I still stand by it, it appears to me to be a very lame excuse on this little girl, it's nothing to do with the mum.

allnewtaketwo Fri 28-Jun-13 14:55:32

I will make no bones about disagreeing with anyone who labels a 2 year old badly behaved just because his or her mother is reluctant to make them sit still and quiet for 2 hours

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 15:14:36

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PrettyPaperweight Fri 28-Jun-13 15:31:17

jan Assuming your still reading, I think you are quite right. The OP doesn't need an excuse to say no, she doesn't want to go. She has the right as an independent human being to say that.
And you know what? It's a parents job to teach and support their DCs to learn that lesson if they are disappointed.
Only in this case, the DCs mum doesn't want to parent her child, she wants to control the actions of others so that she doesn't have to parent.

Parents cannot control the environment their DCs experience - good parents teach their children how to deal with life, lazy parents expect others to deliver the environment they want their DC to experience.

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 16:01:59

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needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 16:04:50

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50shadesofvomit Fri 28-Jun-13 16:05:44

Its probably been suggested but you should have said that you weren't going because ds1 would spoil the show by being restless.

needaholidaynow Fri 28-Jun-13 16:25:33

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twinkletwinkle9 Fri 28-Jun-13 16:59:55

I completely sympathise. My DS was very difficult as a toddler, would not sit still for even a minute. Just waiting in the GP's waiting room for 10 minutes was stressful.
If you went to the show you're going to end up hardly seeing any of the show, you'll be stressed, your DS will be bored (therefore get up to more mischief), the people sat around you will get annoyed, you'll get even more stressed.
You'll get plenty of opportunities in the future to see her dance. Deep breath and let her BS go over your head.
I've had similar things off DP's ex but one minute it's a case of "she should be treating her DSC like her own", the next minute it's: "I'm not having her playing mum to my kids". FFS you can't bloody win!

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