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whats normal with your kids?

(38 Posts)
superbagpuss Sat 22-Jun-13 11:52:10

I've been reading posts on here as I was a child of divorced parents

is it normal for your DSC to have room in your house when they do not live there all the time

I had a room with my dad as I lived there permanently

when visiting my mum - every second weekend
and a week in the summer - we were expected to sleep on camp beds in the lounge or in siblings beds if they were not there
we never kept any of our stuff there as my siblings would use it/ break it or mum would throw it out

I grew up feeling a guest/ nuisance in my mums house and thought this was normal as well did not live there

is this the same for anyone else?

purpleroses Sun 23-Jun-13 07:53:28

daisy - I always referred to my home with my DCs as their home, and to their dad's as "dad's house" but the DCs corrected me and refuse to call either house "home" because they have two homes! So wouldn't worry about what their mum says, it's up to you and your DH to make it a home for them.

stepmonster - the only problem I could foresee with your plans is that 11 might be a little young for just coming over when he likes - depends on your DSS and the setup with his mum, but my DS is 13 and would struggle to know what to do with that kind of setup really. He still asks me "whose house am I at tonight?" and expects me to give him an answer. If your house move coincided with a move to no fixed routine and him just popping by, that could be seen by him as meaning he no longer has a base there and isn't really wanted as part of the family. At 16ish, yes I think it would work (my nearly 16 year old DSD certainly exercises her rights to drop in when it suits her rather than necessarily following plans of younger DSC), but most 11 year olds I think would prefer a bit more of a routine. 11 is also rather young to be left without a sitter so it's possible his mum would appreciate a bit of routine if she wants to get out and have a social life too.

stepmooster Sun 23-Jun-13 08:29:49

I think DSS is already getting fed up of babies. He doesn't get any space when here to 'chill out' because DD goes to bed at 7pm. She can't sleep in with us because the crib is up ready for DC2. DSS goes to bed to sleep and although we do stuff with him in the evenings, board games etc its starting to become boring. There's nowhere for him to go be alone unfortunately (downstairs is all open plan). He's already dropped a couple of visits and its not his ex pulling strings its just DSS is growing up and well just becoming a teenager.

Good point about not making it look like we're moving and DSS not welcome to stay which is not true, he can sleepover as much as he likes, he can even live with us if he wants which I seriously doubt! I just think with 2 siblings under the age of 2 its just not going to be very often that he'll want to spend a solid 48 hours in their company! As his dad will be just down the road so to speak he doesn't have to wait to see him, he has a 16 year old sister who already 'babysits him' so the ex doesn't need to organise sitters. also if he just wants to spend 2 hours at ours because one or other child is teething and he wants some peace I couldn't really blame him for wanting to go 'home'.

I think DH would be delighted if DSS ever called our house home, but as DH used to sleep on a sofa bed at his brothers and then moved into my house (with all my furniture DH had none). For the last 4.5 years DSS hasn't really seen where DH has lived as his home, its always been uncle's house or Stepmooster's. Although I tell DSS this is his home too, DSS never calls this place his.

DSS is quite mature for his age and I think DH has already been discussing with DSS about as he gets older he doesn't have to stick to an EOW arrangement once we move. But its down to DSS what he wants to do and not us.

Mycatistoosexy Sun 23-Jun-13 17:31:16

needaholidaynow he's only 1 so it's not really a problem at least til he's three. Hopefully we will be able to afford a bigger house then smile

Appleboy Sun 23-Jun-13 18:18:45

My dss has a room of his own here but only because my dc share a room. He lives with us most of the time and sees his father for two night stays. However he has told my dp that he feels slightly out of place at father's house, we think because of the 5 dd+dsd his father has and he fact he shares a room with two of them. He does keep some stuff there though.
OP your experience sounds dreadful and I hope not many children have to go through it.

AnitaBlake Sun 23-Jun-13 18:38:26

We treat things as though DSD were here all the time although she's only here 3or 4 nights a fortnight. We have three bedrooms and also two DDs here fulltime. DSD(6) and DD1(2.5) share a double bedroom and DD2(7m) has the tiny single bedroom.

We have bunkbeds for the older girls, who love sharing and think its a great adventure! In time I expect the younger two will share and DSD will have the small room.

OneStepCloser Sun 23-Jun-13 18:46:34

My Dss has his own pit room, I see know problem with dcs and dscs sharing, as long as they have their spaces to keep all their precious junk stuff and they feel welcome that's all what matters.

Bagpuss that sounded really hard for you, thank god you had your DF and DSM.

parttimer79 Mon 24-Jun-13 12:47:21

We have 3 beds plus study which for various reasons cannot be used as a bedroom.
My DSS has his own room and DSD sleeps in the nursery which she will share with new arrival when they stop sleeping in with us.
Poor DSS complains that everyone else gets to share a room and he doesn't so we may give him the option of sharing with DSD if they want to.
We only rent and when we buy we will have 4 beds so if we have another baby someone will have to share. Hopefully we will plan that as any living together all the time family would based on room sizes, ages and needs.

parttimer79 Mon 24-Jun-13 12:49:23

meant to say DSCs sleep here 2 nights a fortnight

ladydeedy Thu 27-Jun-13 21:12:10

We have a room that is used as a oldest DSS's room when he comes to stay. however he lives with his mother just 10 mins walk away so often goes back there for the night. Rest of time it is used as spare/guest room. DSS2, who now lives with us, had his own room at his mum's. This was turned into a room to be let out to a lodger, so if he goes to see her and wants to stay over his options are to sleep on the floor (there's no blow up or camp bed), so he comes back to us again. Sad.

twinkletwinkle9 Fri 28-Jun-13 17:52:19

We have a 2 bedroom house, my two DSC currently share with DS, there is a single bed and a double sofa bed, they usually swap and change beds
though as my DS likes the novelty of sleeping on the sofa bed.

We also have a baby in our bedroom but she's approaching 1yo so we're hoping to move her in to the kid's bedroom soon. However, there isn't room for a cot and the sofa bed in the bedroom so we've ordered a new (decent) sofa bed for our lounge. DSC will sleep in our bedroom and me and DP will sleep on the sofabed.
I'm sure they would be fine on a sofabed in the lounge but as they go to bed much earlier than us it makes sense for them to be upstairs and us downstairs.

We're hoping to move to a 3 bed house soon but the 3 older kids will probably share a bedroom as they're closer in age and then baby will probably have her own room. Or the 2 boys share and 2 girls share. But either way, no the DSC wont have their own bedrooms, there will never be a time when we can afford a 5 bed house.

twinkletwinkle9 Fri 28-Jun-13 18:05:14

Further on from that, I would say at the moment the children love sharing a bedroom, they're 4,5 and 8 and to them it's fun that they're all huddled together and having a big sleep over together.
But I am concerned about DSD (now 8) as soon she will be of an age where she wants privacy, god knows what we'll do then.
On the other hand she will get that at home, I'm sure she'll manage to grit her teeth and bear it for a couple of days.

starsandstripes72 Sun 30-Jun-13 05:19:29

Im so glad to have read this. We have a small 2 bed house and couldnt afford anything bigger. Dsd only stays every other weekend for one night at a time and though she still has how own clothes toys in the room ive been feeling terribly guilty for decorating and sorting the room for our first child together expected any day now. Dh obviously doesnt mind as she only stays on average 2 nights a month but it doesnt stop me feeling like im pushing her out (could just be the hormones)....reading the responses to this post has made me feel much better.

Fairy130389 Sun 30-Jun-13 10:17:11

I personally don't think it's about being able to provide a whole bedroom it's not possible, it's about making space for their things, so they feel welcome and like they have been considered in whatever layout you have. Dsd lives with us and has her own room, mum has been staying with her brother for the past couple of months so when dsd visits (once a week), they share a bed. What I find most upsetting is that she does not have any clothes, possessions etc at mums and so is very much a 'visitor'. This was the case even when mum had 2 bed flat, although she did have a bed then.

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