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Abusive behaviour arresting development

(5 Posts)
Feelingbetterbyfar Fri 14-Jun-13 13:15:20

Posted once in relationships about dh and got sound advice. Seems he indulges a lot in abusive behaviour towards me and, although he has asked me to point it out when it happens and he apologises, there is apparently a black hole of inappropriate actions to delve into and I'm gobsmacked at every turn.
Exw is clearly a narc and our present couple counselor sees his behaviour as a reflection of his very long (15 years) bad first marriage. She encourages dh to mend his ways with specific advice and he's taking baby steps, but steps forward at least.
Dss lives with us 50:50 and although he is very much like dh regarding interests, he likes being parented by me and our relationship is pretty easy going.
Dh once said he thinks his dd is a narc, like her mum, and I'd have to agree. However, I do believe her self absorption stems directly from her dad. Dsd does not want to increase her contact time with us at present, but I'm fearful of a time when a falling out with her mum might change this. I think I can deal with dh as long as counseling continues and changes Are visible. I know I can't take on both (his insensitivity can really depress me at times, if they can regularly enforce each other it becomes unbearable - she dislikes me openly and dh has never addressed that).
Has anybody experienced a similar situation and how did/do you contain it? Am willing to work hard at this relationship!
Thanks for any input at all.

Fairy130389 Mon 17-Jun-13 08:37:51

I'm bumping for you feelingbetter - I don't think I have any advice for you though... except - how old is DSD?
Why is DH not challenging her behaviour towards you?

Hope someone will see this and give you some advice!

Feelingbetterbyfar Mon 17-Jun-13 10:40:42

Fairy, thanks for "bumping".

Dsd has just turned 16.

Just writing this down gave me the wherewithal to tackle dh directly.

Am in the middle of reading step coupling, a book recommended to me on mn, and a sm is quoted as saying, she sees her dread of dc visits or happiness at seeing them as a barometer of her relationship to dp.

So decided to be very frank with dh (first degree mysoginist) and although its early days yet, he does see my anger clearly now and realizes I won't be backing down on anything relating to him (and his).

I shall leave tackling dsd to dh, will probably show him current thread by another poster on unfair parenting of siblings!

EleanorHandbasket Mon 17-Jun-13 10:45:21

I don;t know any of your backstory, but I woudl be wary of falling into the over-analysing/therapy trap.

Your husband is abusive.

There really isn't much more you need to know. It#s much more likely any 'narc' traits you see in his exw and daughter are a reaction to HIS misogynistic and abusive behaviour than vice versa.

Feelingbetterbyfar Mon 17-Jun-13 11:00:01

Eleanor, thanks for replying.
Unfortunately for dsc, both parents are abusive to the core! I'm not one to malign exw as I'm one myself, but ive met her and this woman takes the proverbial biscuit for neglect of dc, insisting on being their bff, etc. anything to ensure an easy life.
I'm at the stage where I can now ignore her (her campaign of terror ceased upon finding a bf) but I'm into my second marriage and am going to do my damndest to make it work. Atm there are enough pros to offset the cons.
I don't believe I have the strength to deal with dsd, (not for lack of trying) she's not mine and was raised by 2 adults who have to love the child they created.

I guess I'm hoping for advice on how to continuously see the best in her without that being overshadowed by inner qualms.

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