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Buying stepfather Fathers Day presents

(15 Posts)
Mycatistoosexy Wed 12-Jun-13 15:46:22

I have two SC who are with us EOW. Their mum has a BF who moved in with her last year so this is the first Fathers Day since he has been around. Last year we were lucky enough to have the SC on Fathers Day so there was no issue.

This year our weekend was last weekend and the SC came with presents for DP (which is sweet and lovely) but they had also apparently bought presents and cards for the stepdad. My DP feels a bit sad about this as he feels like he is their dad and that is isn't appropriate for them to celebrate Fathers Day with the the exW DP. It's not like they don't see their dad regularly.

I feel a bit uncomfortable about it too (I think the kids did too as they mentioned to their Dad that they got the other guy stuff "bit he isn't their Dad". Made me a bt sad.) I would never expect them to get me any Mothers Day cards etc and if our weekend was on Mothers Day I would ask if exW would want to swap weekends. DP was told when he mentioned to her about not spending Father's Day with them that they "had plans". No offer to let them visit extra or whatever.

How would you feel about this? Totally acceptable or not?

Please don't flame me for being a SM or anything, if you think it's acceptable that's fine of course

Mycatistoosexy Wed 12-Jun-13 15:47:13

Sorry for typos. Phone screen broken. Can't see text very well sad

Stepmooster Wed 12-Jun-13 16:12:56

My DH and his ex agreed in their contact agreement to ensure all father's days were with dad and all mother's days were with mum. I think that is completely justifiable and normal.

Xalla Wed 12-Jun-13 16:42:22

My DH and his have the same agreement as Stepmooster's do. I agree it's entirely 'proper' for a Dad to expect to have his kids each Father's Day and a Mum to have her kids for each Mother's Day. Providing it's important to them obv, I realise some people don't celebrate it.

purpleroses Wed 12-Jun-13 16:45:40

I'd let it pass tbh. And I am both a SM and a mum who's DCs see mainly with me and DP but see their dad regularly.

Neither me and my ex, nor DP and his ex, ever change our schedules because of fathers days or mothers days. Life's complicated enough already, and you can always celebrate it on a different day if you want.

I don't think it was right of your DP's ex to encourage them to gift gifts to their DSF - I wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't expect gifts from DSC on mothers day - but it's done now and feel your DP would look a bit immature if he made a fuss about it, and there's nothing at the end of the day that he can do about it.

Just help the DSC make a nice fuss of him when they do see him next after fathers day.

If it matters to you a lot, your DP could try asking months in advance for next year if he can have that weekend - swap it for another if necessary rather than expecting it as an "extra". Then his ex is less likely to have plans.

Mycatistoosexy Wed 12-Jun-13 17:39:27

I agree about letting it pass. I wpuld wan to make a fuss now. What's done is done and we should have asked well in advance really.

Just wanted to know if I was BU in feeling a bit sad about it all.

Mycatistoosexy Wed 12-Jun-13 17:40:01

Wouldn't want to sorry

Stupid broken iphone

purpleroses Wed 12-Jun-13 19:00:00

No, NBU to be sad. If it's upset your DP it's only natural to be. And I think fathers day is one of those things that matter to some people more than others - and it may have touched a nerve if he's already sensitive about his DCs spending lots of time with ex's DP.

YouMaySayImADreamer Wed 12-Jun-13 20:52:14

It obviously depends on everyone's situation and the type of relationship the parents have, but my dp and his ex dont always see eye to eye on everything, but they are both fairly reasonable on things like this and its incomprehendable that she wouldnt let dp have his ds on fathers day and vice versa for mothers day (unless she was on holiday or something, but she would know not to make other plans). For what its worth, i think its really mean and a bit petty, but like i said, its difficult because i know that not everyone's situation is like ours.

IceBergJam Wed 12-Jun-13 21:11:36

We always swapped the days for those occasions if appropriate. I think it's mean not to.

DSS have bought me gifts for last 5 years. This year their mum was upset about it and questioned why DSS 18 had bought me flowers when I wasn't their mum. He said I wasn't their mother but while they live with us (50%) that I did all the things a mother does like cleaning, cooking, driving lessons in my car etc and he wanted to show appreciation. She walked out but then rang him up and apologised for questioning him. I have always bought my stepfather presents.

allnewtaketwo Thu 13-Jun-13 08:27:40

DH was supposed to have "access" last year on fathers day weekend (EOW that happened to be on FD last year). Their mother deliberately arranged for them all to go away that weekend do they wouldn't see him

dotcomlovenest Thu 13-Jun-13 18:05:25

We always work it so that my ex sees the kids on fathers day.
My children also like to give their SD cards they make which I think is lovely.
If they have a good bond with their SD that is a good thing for them but not good to exclude their dad.

Mycatistoosexy Thu 13-Jun-13 18:10:57

It is sweet if the kids want to recognise their SF as well but if they were to give me a mothers Day card, the exW would be apoplectic so I just feel it's a bit weird.

Well I'm just going to try and give DP a good day on Sunday as much as I can and next year get him to book Fathers Day weekend well in advance

waltermittymissus Thu 13-Jun-13 18:15:32

My sd gives me a card and a little gift for Mother's Day.

I think it's lovely. It doesn't take away from her mum. It either specifically says 'Stepmother' or it's generic.

I earned it though! Only started after years of rollercoasters. She says it's because I make her feel like a real part of the family (more than my dh sad)

Her mum doesn't mind at all!

Kaluki Fri 14-Jun-13 14:30:08

It should be up to the dc and not led by the adults. My dc have never suggested buying DP a Father's Day card as he doesn't have much to do with them, I help them get presents for their dad - my ex!
DPs ex has always made the DSC get over the top cards and presents for her bf and they always upset DP by telling him that their stepdad got a nicer present than him!!
Personally when my dad was alive I couldn't bear to get my step dad anything as it would have hurt my real dad too much sad but since he died I do buy a step father card because I do appreciate everything he does for us even though he's not my dad and it eases the sadness for me in a strange way.

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