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Paternity leave - Being used as summer contact time for DSD

(43 Posts)
AlizarinA Fri 07-Jun-13 09:55:31

DP is going through children's act proceedings for DSD (10) with EW. Latest hearing was to agree interim arrangements and summer holiday contact. DP happy as he managed to secure half of holidays, but had to work around EWs already booked holiday (which she'd just gone and booked without checking holiday arrangements with us). Problem is that we're expecting first child in August (due date August 03), and we now have DSD for practically all of August including week of baby's due date.

May not be a problem, as I've already been into hospital with severe abdominal tightenings and had steroid injections at 31 weeks. So baby may be early. But I'm getting increasingly pissed off at the thought that DP is planning to use his paternity leave for DSD. Might be being totally unreasonable, but this is the one time that I'll need looking after and he's just made himself completely unavailable. Seriously thinking of making my own plans for August (regardless of whether DS has arrived or not), and just let him get on with looking after DSD at home.

AIBU? Just so fed up of second families coming second. Just for once it would be nice for us to be the priority.

starbuckmum4 Fri 07-Jun-13 15:12:30

Flowery - I was thinking the same, what a strange set-up. sad

Cloverer Fri 07-Jun-13 15:28:41

Agree with flowery, this issue with DSD is just a symptom isn't it?

I think you and your DP need to decide if you are a family, or if you are some kind of lodger/housekeeper.

If you're a lodger, then of course you shouldn't be providing childcare. If you're a housekeeper, then what exactly is in your job description? Are you just providing housekeeping for your DP in return for room and board?

Of course, if you are a family then both the baby and your DSD are part of that family. Your DP is providing for you all financially and as the SAHP you are looking after home and children. It's unreasonable to exclude one child from the deal if that is the case.

You really need to work out what your position here is though.

OneStepCloser Fri 07-Jun-13 15:35:12

Jadems, the problem is not your DSD but your DP, he sounds somewhat unsupportive of you and the new baby, I think you need to tackle the problem of him first.

Mycatistoosexy Fri 07-Jun-13 15:55:09

Jadems are you the lady from the other thread about the school run for DSD?

Madamecastafiore Fri 07-Jun-13 16:09:39

I think it will be a wonderful experience for you all. I know you would have just had a baby and will feel the need to be looked after etc but there is no reason that can't still happen and it would be better for dsd emotionally to be treated as part of the family unit from the off and be included in maybe looking after the pair if you and getting to know her new sibling.

I was sent to my grandmas when step monster had more kids and it was awful to feel excluded and go back to their happy little set up once they deemed they could cope with me!

Madamecastafiore Fri 07-Jun-13 16:10:50

I have a cleaner FFS but couldn't think of any more kids as great as mine to have around in terms of helping. That's a really silly thing to say.

Madamecastafiore Fri 07-Jun-13 16:12:49

My god girl having this baby is going to throw a huge spanner into your little well ordered life!

Prepare for Armageddon!!

Madamecastafiore Fri 07-Jun-13 16:16:33

Sorry to be blunt but if this were a dramatisation I wouldn't be forgiven for thinking the main male character had got the cleaner/housekeeper pregnant?

What do you get out of this relationship apart from being a warm body and a bloody good cleaner all for food and lodgings?

MissStrawberry Fri 07-Jun-13 16:29:28

OP you have bigger problems than your step daughter being at your DP's house when you give birth sad.

You have not only compromised you have settled.

Mycatistoosexy Fri 07-Jun-13 16:47:35

Ok I'm going to be really honest and say I had similar feelings when I had DS about the DSC being around. I feel quite a bit ashamed now that I didn't deal with it as well as I could have done (I love my DSC I really do)

With the benefit of glorious hindsight I realised it was because DP was not so great at helping me out with a newborn. He literally just left me to it and ignored me and DS completely when DSC were there. He probably felt uncomfortable and guilty and he himself dealt with it badly.

Plus I was responsible for all the food, housework, childcare, planning for everyone and then when DS arrived I wasn't so on the ball and DS took up a lot of time so looking after the older DSC was overwhelming for him without me helping all the time.

Anyway.... I too think that your problem is not with DSD being there but with DP and the level of help you'll get once your baby is born. You need to talk about DP about that.

brdgrl Fri 07-Jun-13 20:30:02

Jadems, I think I understand how you feel, having had similar feelings and set-up when DD was born. You are right - you are still a single mum in many many ways and you are entitled to make the choices that are right for you and your child, not feel you have to compromise on this as well.

brdgrl Fri 07-Jun-13 20:33:52

Just to clarify - when I say similar set-up, I don't mean that DP was not supportive - I was referring to a different part of your post.

brdgrl Fri 07-Jun-13 20:35:51

But I lived in my own home when DD was born. DH arranged for his own stepmum to come to his for the first week after DD was born, and he spent more time at mine for that week. It was a good arrangement, frankly. (though obviously not open to all stepmums!)

Turniptwirl Sun 09-Jun-13 12:31:15

I think the problem is DP being an inconsiderate bastard rather than DSD being around.

How do you expect a 10 year old to clean up after herself when her father,a grown man, doesn't bother?

TheDoctrineOfAllan Sun 09-Jun-13 23:21:22

Mycat, isn't that other thread about a 5 year old DSD?

Franykins Thu 13-Jun-13 15:12:18

I can sort of see how she feels blush

I am pg with my first (twins grin) but have 2 DSS. This may be totally selfish but I would rather they weren't there for the first week after bringing babies home. Not that I don't want them around, we have them week on week off and I do all I can for them when they are with us from picking up from school to cooking, cleaning and playing with them. I have no problem with this at all and enjoy doing it. However, as these are my first DC I want all attention on us. If that is selfish then so be it! I want DP to be with us for the first week, plus as it stands we can't afford for DP to take the two weeks mat leave as its reduced money, therefore I will be home alone with 2 new-borns from day one potentially, so in the evenings for the first week home I would like DP to be able to look after us without having to also look after DSS, one of who is very demanding. I accept that after that first week it will be week on week off again and that is ok, but as a SM who has no children of my own previously I do sort of feel you miss out on a lot of 'first time things' My DSS will be great with the babies so I am not so worried about that, they are great with babies and have a baby brother from their mum and her partner and love him to pieces. (although I do worry I will be a bit get off my babies but as I am aware of this I will make sure I don't - if that makes sense. The babies will be DSS brothers or sisters and I understand this)

I have't spoken with DP yet about if it is our week with DSS when I go into labour/bring the babies home as I am only 15+5 but will definitely be talking to him about it as the pregnancy progresses.

Bonsoir Thu 13-Jun-13 15:13:23

It isn't selfish not to want DSCs around in the days/weeks after giving birth - it's common sense, both for the mother and for the DSCs.

Franykins Thu 13-Jun-13 15:32:04

I'm more than happy for them to come once we're settled in and had a bit of us time and fully understand they are going to be a MASSIVE part of the twins lives and am happy for that. I just also want the first time family thing too blush

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