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Glorified babysitter again!

(85 Posts)
entersandmum Thu 06-Jun-13 10:01:32

DP rang me at work yesterday, just to inform me that DSD 9 would be staying until Monday because she is off school.

Is he taking time off? Is he boll**ks. I now have to change my plans for my days off with Dd3 to babysit her.

I wouldn't mind except that for the last few months Dsd9 has become rude and sulky towards me and appears to be turning into a mini-wife whenever Dp is around.

She is currently sat on the sofa, refusing to get dressed or have breakfast, and occasionally throwing me some majorshiteye because I have had the audacity to speak to her.

ExW has cottoned on to the fact that I don't work Thursdayor Friday and last week I was minding her again as ExW had a party

entersandmum Tue 25-Jun-13 13:43:13

Startail Maybe you have not read my posts correctly. I do have a Ds14, so I know all about sulkiness, manipulation and the dreaded hormones.

Dsd9 behaves like any other 9yr old when with me but turns into an absolute nightmare when DP is around.

As a step parent it's not like having your own child you can mould...this one is pre-programmed and you are not the one with the controls.

If I upset Dsd9, DPs sense of fatherly protection kicks in and I'm the bad one, but DP is so scared of upsetting his own child that it is like throwing a live grenade into a room and watching everyone toss it to someone else.

Probably a bad example there. Well deserved of a flaming!

LtEveDallas Tue 25-Jun-13 14:01:02

You need to have another serious talk with him then entersandmum.

You say "it was a full on kick and it bloody hurt" did you tell him that?

Either he steps up and parents his child even if she gets upset or he allows you to do it even if she gets upset

If that is not acceptable, if he won't agree to that, then really, it doesn't matter how nice he is at other times to your children - he is still a BAD parent.

You've already said that DSDs behaviour is affecting your own kids - how much longer are you going to put up with that? I'm sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but you are contradicting yourself, and I just don't understand.

PrettyPaperweight Tue 25-Jun-13 20:00:00

Have you asked your DP how he'd feel if another bloke his age began to treat his DD like a BFF?
Isn't it a bit odd that a grown man chooses to spend his time being 'buddies' with a pre-pubescent girl?

He's obviously not spending time with her in order to fulfil his responsibilities as a parent - so what are his motives? Does he really see himself as an equal to a 9 yr old brat girl? Does their friendship really provide him with the same rewards as a friendship with his peers would?

I'm not for one minute suggesting there is anything sinister about their relationship - but he's obviously lost sight of his role in her life and pointing out how other people might see it may shock him into action!

entersandmum Fri 05-Jul-13 09:25:42

The last 2 weeks, far from being the harmonious household I expected, some things have come to light that have confirmed in my mind that DP is a spineless twit.

1. When I spoke to DP earlier in the week about Dd9 kicking me, I was dismissed with an, 'are you still going on about that?'.

2. For Dd4s birthday this week I had told DP months ago I was going to get her a new, faster and bigger tablet, possibly a second hand ipad 1. She has looked after her previous one fantastically but it was a very slow cheap model. This week DP tells me I can't buy her an ipad 1, even second hand as 'she is too young'.

I pointed out that Dd4 got her first tablet on her 3rd birthday and is more than competant at using it. Plus they use ipads in reception class.

Eventually after realising that the istore charges for apps that are free on android, I decided on a fantastic 10" tablet with the latest Android system and a 2 year warranty. Under £120, money well spent as this should last her a few years before becoming obsolete.

DP announces last night that he is going to buy Dsd9 an ipad2....WTF?
This is the same Dsd9 that has been through and i kid you not, over the last year. 3 ipod touches, 2 phones, 1 android tablet, 2 bikes and an electronic keyboard. All lost or broken, but easy come easy go!

I actually paid for Dsd9s tablet as DP couldn't afford it, if he is expecting me to put my hand in my pocket again for a brad spanking new ipad2 then he can fuck off forget it. I will not be buying her anything like that until she proves she can take care of the stuff she has got.

3. I asked DP if he had been using Dd4s moist toilet wipes as, surely Dd4 can't have gone through them all. DP matter of factly told me he had used them to wipe Dsd9s bottom as she couldn't do this herself???

I honestly don't think he realises how bizarre this is, not to mention creepy. How on earth do I tell him this though without him feeling like a ....?? He still treats her like she is a toddler, from spoon feeding, yes spoon feeding her and in public!!!, making her cereal and testing the temp if it has warm milk in, fixing her juice and even carrying her to bed. My eyebrows are permanently raised on access weekends and even my Ds14 has commented on how odd it is.

4. As we didn't have Dd4 for her birthday, I thought a nice trip out, somewhere of her choosing, would be nice. DP has suggested a drive through safari and says he will pay!!

I had a think about it and don't think a 4 yr old would enjoy that as much as a petting / or farm zoo where you can get up close with the animals. When I told DP this he seemed very insistant on the drive through safari. It turns out he had spoken to Dsd9 and asked her where she wanted to go as I had 'ruined' the ice skating trip previously. DP immediately said yes and now Dsd9 is expecting this trip on what is supposed to be my Dd4s birthday weekend!

Even better, DP has said that if Dd4 and I don't go on this trip. He won't be able to as 'it isn't value for money'. I think he is just terrified of being alone and having to actually parent Dsd9.

I have told him that maybe Dsd9 might really enjoy having DP to herself for a change and that the two of them doing something together would be nice.

I have also realised that DP does not actually spend that much time with just Dsd9, and expects me to play the 'bad cop' when we are together to make himself look better and to compensate for his lack of parenting. Dsd9s mother is no better. ExW has never worked yet since Dsd9 has been in primary school she attends the breakfast club and after school club meaning she is at school from 8am - 6pm!

So this weekend I will definately have to take a step back and if this means DP is forced to parent Dsd9 then so be it. All I can think about is that in a few years time we will have a hell of a time with her. This will not be Dsd9s fault but her lazy and feckless parents.

I'm not sure I can still live as a couple unless DP starts to grow some balls and stop being so bloomin lazy. At the moment I am starting to look at him with a touch of disappointment and even resentment. I think that evaluating his parenting skills with Dsd9 has made me e do the same with our relationship as a whole. The prognosis is not good at this time. sad

LtEveDallas Fri 05-Jul-13 09:33:37


I'm sorry, I really am, but tbh I don't even think that detaching is going to work here. He is too far gone.

I think you need to get out of this relationship - and fast. I don't think it can be fixed, I don't think he will change.

For this weekend, take DD4 wherever it is that she wants to go on her birthday, and tell P that he is to take his daughter on his own. If you don't then YOUR daughter will suffer.

But pleae, just get out. This relationship is dead.

UC Fri 05-Jul-13 09:50:02

Enters, I just wanted to comment on the kick that DSD9 gave you. One of my DSSs kicked and hit me once in a temper because I had asked him to wait for 10 minutes before we left somewhere, as his brothers weren't ready to go yet. As a consequence, he had to stay in his room all afternoon, his dad docked some pocket money and he had a party cancelled. It is totally unacceptable to be hit and kicked in your own home (or anywhere else for that matter). If these were grown ups, it would be assault and you would be within your rights to call the police. This cannot be allowed to happen, and your DP is a prick for criticising you for "going on about it" when it has not been resolved.

Totally agree with the others who have said that your DP either needs to step up and parent his dd himself, or he needs to allow you to do it AND BACK YOU UP. The first option is obviously the best.

Your dsd has the makings of a very difficult teenager, and your children will also be affected. They need to see that hitting and kicking result in consequences that are fair and justifiable.

I agree too with LtEveDallas about this weekend. Take your DD4 wherever she wants to go, and leave your DP to it. Tell him why too.

To be honest, if I were you, I'd be issuing some form of ultimatum now. Step up or leave. Because, honestly, it sounds as though you and your kids would be better off without him. The children in your household are not treated equally by your DP and it is a recipe for disaster.

Out of interest, have you shown your DP this thread? Maybe you should?

entersandmum Fri 05-Jul-13 10:17:58

LtEveDallas I can see your point but have to apportion some of the blame myself. DP and I have been together for 2 years and I have only just started to really voice my concerns.

I do believe that change will not happen overnight and both DP and Dsd9 will have to take baby steps towards this.

I think everyone deserves a chance but admit my patience is wearing pretty thin.

UC I have no intention of spending 2+ hrs cooped up in a car with Dsd4 as I know she would get bored and then tempers would fray. I have told DP to take Dsd9 on his own as I think the fact that he does not spend a huge amount of time alone with her is one of the factors that make her seek attention any way she can, good or bad.

entersandmum Fri 05-Jul-13 10:19:36

UC I most certainly have not shown DP this thread. That would open a whole can of worms.

Who wants to think that they have been discussed with strangers over the internet??

LtEveDallas Fri 05-Jul-13 10:54:59

OK, entersandmum, I'm sorry if I have upset you at all, it wasn't my intention. I suppose we all do things that others wouldn't.

I hope you can sort something out, I really do. smile

entersandmum Fri 05-Jul-13 11:21:44

LtEveDallas I'm not upset and I don't think you wre being mean. I would probably say the same thing to someone else in my situation. I guess with MN you only get to hear one side of the story.

I am going to give DP the chance to change as it would be unfair to expect this instantly.

However, my patience is wearing thin with his attitude and if I don't see any improvement, the best thing I can do for everyone is to call it a day.

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