Are u or were u teen dsd? Please share

[Rightsaiddeb]

I've been a sm (not even remotely ow) to dsd and ds for over 4 years now, my relationship to dss 12 varies from ok to great (pretty much like ds, actually), my dsd 16 has tremendous issues regarding her parents divorce, felt they had ruined her life (she leads a remarkably privileged life and is encouraged and supported by all, including me btw), and though her attitude to me has become more cordial, her general negativity, contempt of dp (loads of disney parenting there I'm afraid), are having a greater impact on my mh than I thought.
I've asked and received really good advice here in the past, but I find I can't move on.
Is it me? Should I detach more? I'm already trying and it is slowly killing me. I'm a people person, love my home and sharing it with friends and family. When someone actively dislikes you and takes pleasure in upsetting/ ignoring you, you try to avoid them. This isn't possible. Regular visits, small house.
Dh tells me not to worry, she's worse to him! It upsets me terribly though. Dh is definitely more thick skinned and we go to couple counseling, with some success. But the major problem remains and I feel it turning into an obsession. Please help me deal with this.

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

God, that sounds bloody hard for you, detach from her as much as you can. She sounds as though shes playing people, and part because of her age, bolshy teenager. Try not to let he see your upset (easier said than done, I know)

Can you do something nice with the others and leave her with your DH more when she is with you?

[Rightsaiddeb]

Thanks for your honest replies.
Detaching is hard, as I feel if i make one more effort everything will suddenly magically be great! Mad, I know.
Yes to dh and dsd spending time together, but as they tend to only watch DVDs at home I'm desperate to appear nonchalant and do garden stuff or shop, but inside I'm upset at being turned out to give them room.
Tbh I have a weird reaction to their cuddling up on the sofa. Call me a bitch but I feel dh is enabling her mini wife behaviour.
Dh and dss have plenty of one on one times, but dh also shows ds that he's involved in his life and its appreciated. I on the other hand am cut out of his dd life, her choice not my lack of (very subtle) trying.
I teach mainly teen girls and have a pretty good idea of their pros and cons. But my "meanest" student doesn't treat me so condescendingly.
Ok, if the general consensus is detach more, I will.
I feel resentment building up just thinking about the summer hols and tbh the couple counseling is mainly about my disappointment in dh for never sticking up for me regarding dsd (not a problem with dss, so he can do it if he wants...).
Needaholiday, how did your mum react when you were mean to sd?
Thanks again.

[Frikadellen]

Yes I was a teen sdd but the step mum I had during those years was fantastic and I loved her to pieces..

the one until I was 13 eeek.. I guess she did detach.. if it is posible to detach from someone you never bothered to form a relationship with in the first place.

It gives me shivers when I read on here over and over " detach detach" I accept as a grown up that this may be needed for that adults mental sanity due to what is occuring between the " mum and dad" However I remember still being that little girl who was so clearly unwelcome and felt as a intrusion and who step mum didnt like.

It will stay with me for the rest of my life..

Just like those threads where people go on and on about how unless your a step mum you cant know.. Unless your that step child whose SM is detaching (or not bothering) you have no idea NONE..

it took me a loooong time to learn to move away from that hurt. However it shaped who I am as a person as I was the child.. The adults in my life let me down

that includes that Stepmum..

[brdgrl]

Can I suggest a book to you? I found Stepcoupling by Susan Wisdom really helpful, especially as I was dealing with a teenage DSD who had been 'spousified'.
She has a website too - www.stepcoupling.com/

[Rightsaiddeb]

Thanks again for replies.
Needaholiday, the reaction from your mum seems to be what I need from dh (followed hopefully by apology..)
Frikadellen, that's just it, I'm not the detaching type, if anything I get too bloody emotional, I just need her to feel something back. However, I think she believes she has no use for me in her life and thus sees right through me, and if I don't like it I can always leave. I hope you had other adults in your life to make up for this loss of bonding. Thankfully my ds loves me back, but I refuse to overburden him, and dh apparently does not see me suffer.
Brdgrl, thanks for link and recommendation. Have read stepmonster a while back and also showed it to dh. He acknowledged its importance but never finished it, too many home truths I suppose.

[Rightsaiddeb]

Ps, just bought step coupling online! Xx