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I hate her, I hate her, I hate her

(20 Posts)
dotcomlovenest Sun 02-Jun-13 18:58:56

I just do not understand the way her mind works.
We have not had contact for 3 months.
We take her to court. They award contact and it begins again.
We had them for four days, great it was lovely.
They go back and the barrage of texts begin. Abusive, derogative, aggressive.
Telling OH what he has done wrong, what he needs to do right making demands.
Jesus anyone would think that we didn't just win a custody case.
We instigated a contact book so she can put any issues she may have in there so we don't have this issue.
But no she can not stop herself.
She keeps banging on about good comunication but will she actually do it, no.
Because to her good comunication is her talking we listen.her demanding and us doing as we are told.
Grrrr it was so nice when we didn't have the children as we dididn't have to deal with her.
Now she Is back.
She is actually insane, we were doing a childrens fun run. She was there running with dss, she came up to me and started offering for my children to run with her.
I wanted to ask her why she thinks she can walk up to me and talk like she is my friend when she has not allowed my DP to see his children for months.
We are not friends, we never will be friends. You are nasty and vile and down right despicable.
Arghhhhh why oh why can she not just fuck off, get on with her own life and let us get on with ours.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 02-Jun-13 20:41:50

Don't give her so much headspace.

Let her say what she wants - the court decided that the DCs benefit from seeing their Dad, that's all that matters.

(But it took me 4 years to get to this place, I do understand how you need to rant every now and again wink )

tigerrose Tue 11-Jun-13 10:28:00

If she is still single you are all she has to think about and she will drive her self mad with it. She needs a relationship to divert her attention! - If she has one she needs to get a life and think about the kids not herself. I had the same issues and childs mum was looney now she has a fella she is better

burberryqueen Tue 11-Jun-13 10:34:47

her story would be quite different though wouldn't it?
also it is not 'custody' - surely you would know this?

allnewtaketwo Tue 11-Jun-13 11:35:23

I would disengage as much as possible OP to minimise the effect her behavious can have on you

burberryqueen "her story would be quite different though wouldn't it?"
Is this your standard response across the boards in general on mumsnet, or just on the SP board in particular?

burberryqueen Tue 11-Jun-13 11:41:19

I don't recall writing that anywhere else, so no not a 'standard response'

THERhubarb Tue 11-Jun-13 11:45:20

Keep trying for the sake of the kids. They will no doubt be getting a load of lies from her about the both of you, but actions speak louder than words and they will soon realise that neither of you fit the lies she's been spinning.

Children with a mother like this usually turn against her as she is a destructive force and they remember how nice and calm it was when they were with dad.

For now all you can do is keep repeating yourselves like robots, over and over. Don't change the message. Draw up a system of contact and stick to it religiously so that she can never accuse you of moving the goalposts. If you are meant to have them every other weekend then keep turning up that weekend, even if she refuses to answer the door, keep turning up, keep reminding her of the rigid plans put in place that she agreed to.

A standard response along the lines of "thank you for your text which we shall store with the rest for future use" should soon shut her up. She knows then that you are saving them and you can potentially use them in court, show them to the kids when they are older, whatever. Don't let your response to her change in any way.

If she does come up to you being friendy, then be friendly and civil back. She was making a public show there, no doubt there were people watching (her friends? the kids?) so don't give her any ammunition, just grit your teeth and smile and suggest that you all run together. Trust me, she will be expecting a knockback from you so if you actually embrace her full on she won't know what to do.

Sometimes you have to beat them down with kindness because there is no response to kindness is there? What can you say? Next time she is nice in public, go a step further, invite her out to lunch. Suggest all the kids have a sleepover together at her house grin, put her on the spot.

But never ever give up trying. My dad never did and I'm so very pleased he didn't.

startlife Tue 11-Jun-13 12:25:55

Excellent advice from Rhubard.

Consider that she wants a reaction from you/DP. She wants to fight so if you don't engage she can't.

The dc's will see her behaviour for what it is - usually by their early teens so it does all change.

Molson10 Thu 13-Jun-13 16:45:08

Rhubarb, oh I wish you were right ! 6 years we have been together and 13 years my DH and his ExW have been divorced and she is still causing problems.

My DH is the gentlest, kindest man, and she runs him down to the kids, they have no respect for him, they would pick there mum over him and extended family anyday. He has spent Christmas eve/day with them once in all that time. they would choose her over him any day. AND she threw out the eldest 2 years ago on Christmas Eve and she lived with us until she got a place of her own, but mum will still come first.

I hope Rhubarb is right and it comes good for you, but I have just had a weekend from hell and they are 20 and 17, and it all stems from her stirring it in the background.

THERhubarb Thu 13-Jun-13 16:53:30

Molson10, my mother tried to turn us against our dad. She implied that he had raped her (and implied I was a result of that rape), she told us that he had been aggressive and abusive, that he'd had affairs, that he refused to go to marriage counselling, that he had nothing to do with us, etc.

My dad worked a lot and I was 9 when she left him one day, taking everything with her, so I didn't know my dad well enough to doubt what she told us over the years.

Eventually I found out the truth. She was the abusive one (she once dragged me up the stairs by my hair and hurled me to the other side of the bedroom), she had a vicious temper. She had the affair. She arranged marriage counselling at times when she knew he was at work and told them that he refused to go when he knew nothing about it.

I now have a lovely relationship with my dad and I have no relationship with her.

It may take them some time but pretty soon they will start to remember. They will ask questions. Tell him to keep sending them cards and presents, to keep trying. So long as he keeps in touch, he is in their minds and they won't recognise him from their mothers description.

dotcomlovenest Thu 13-Jun-13 17:44:14

Have no idea what burberryqueen is on about.
Though yes it is not a custody hearing in was a contact order though I am fairly certain you knew what I was talking about.
Yes her story is different in the sense that she claims we are abusive to the children and called social services in because we sent them to their rooms if they are naughty.
I don't know about anyone else but I consider that a decent form of punish.
I really try to be zen about it and not let her get to me so much it is so difficult and I wish she was not in our lives.
Her latest demand is that only children from the first marriage are there when weekend contact is going on.
Not only does that mean she does not want my children in their home (madness), but also their half sibling.
She thinks she has been granted that in the contact order, what it actually says is that we stated my children go to their dads every weekend. They did at the time however their dad is having health problems and wants to change contact to every other weekend and some mid week contact.
I know she is going to explode about it.
We are a family, we have done a great job building this together, everyone gets on everyone is treated the same and they love each other. .
Why oh why is that not enough for her.
She did have a new man for awhile, but they broke up a few months ago.
She has been getting the children to text him so that he will reply to them (emotional blackmail much). She mellowed out slightly and the renewed mentalness occured after the break up, so it maybe something to do with that.
I don't know, we just want to get on with our lives and her to get on with hers and let the kids just be happy.

dotcomlovenest Thu 13-Jun-13 17:50:18

Yes rubarb she was very abusive to my OH.
He discribes it as walking on pins the whole time, never knowing what reaction he would get.
She moved him away from his friends and family alienated all his friends so they refused to visit.
She belittled him in public and in front of the children (she still does that).
She does it to the children she tells her eldest she is fat and manifests illnesses for all the children.
She cries if the children say they want to see their daddy.
I just hope the time they get here will of set the crazy.
Glad you and your dad have a good relationship now.

burberryqueen Thu 13-Jun-13 18:26:23

Have no idea what burberryqueen is on about
you have 'no idea' that there are two sides to every story? really? ok then.

burberryqueen Thu 13-Jun-13 18:28:21

you are using words like 'mental' 'crazy' 'hate hate hate'? it just doesn't sound very balanced.

dotcomlovenest Thu 13-Jun-13 18:37:57

It is hard to be balanced when someone has made your life hell for 3 years.
Everytime we think we have turned a corner she come up with something new.
I am not going to argue the toss with you, you obviously have a built in opinion and since this is a step parent support area. I have to ask what you are doing here?

allnewtaketwo Thu 13-Jun-13 18:44:04

Burberry on mumsnet we only EVER get 1 side of the story. It's pointless getting involved in a thread just to point that out really. If you don't believe the OP, what on earth is the point in discussing it with her. She's not going to turn round and confess she or her OP is a liar, is she. If you take that stance on each any every thread you read by a stepmother then you might as well not bother. Or if you feel really strongly about it, maybe just start you're own thread saying "you're all liars"

MaBumble Thu 13-Jun-13 18:48:04

I'm not a step parent but my husband is, and I can honestly say I couldn't do it!

My ex's wife is nice. And I was so pleased that she welcomedy sons into her new family. My ex, on the other hand, was a selfish, feckless father. So my adult sons have very little contact with him now.

Use this as a safe place to vent. Remember it's not you, it's her. She sounds like a very damaged person. Best wishes to you all.

burberryqueen Thu 13-Jun-13 18:49:34

grin ok then allnewtaketwo, sorry OP for hijacking your thread, i am sure she is a nightmare!

dotcomlovenest Thu 13-Jun-13 18:52:58

Yes burberry she is a total nightmare, thank you for appreciating that ;)

dotcomlovenest Thu 13-Jun-13 18:59:13

Thank you ma

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