Helo!! Am I the bad one in all this, just need some advice and support.

[louise35]

I POSTED THIS IN THE GENERAL CHAT SECTION AND WAS REDIRECTED HERE.
Okay, sorry Mum's not been here in a while but thought I would ask some advice. I've been in a new relationship now since 2008, moved in with him in 2009. Let's just say he was not well when I met him but I accepted him warts and all, including his kids, two girls. The eldest was 16 when I met her, not his biologically but he took her on when she was 1 so she calls him Dad. She was living with him on the days she was here at college, the other days she was at her Mum's. All I can say is that I tried with her but she seemed to resent me for becoming the "alpha" female in the house, doing the cooking, washing up etc. She would come down in the morning when I was getting ready for work, scuttle into the bathroom then scuttle back upstairs until I left. I tolerated this as I understood the situation. If ever I commenting to him about her behaviour he would think I was over reacting. Anyway she is at Uni now so that's not the issue. The issue is is 10 year old bio daughter who is showing "mini wife" signs and has been doing for a few years. He split up with her Mum before she was born and he has felt guilt ever since and has compensated by devoting every second of his time to her. When I first moved here on here weekends here she would cling to him and literally shove me out of the way if I was so much as walking next to him. Something which I mentioned briefly and was quickly cut down. I have given her all the time with her dad that she wants and when I first came here she did genuinely love me and used to follow me around the house, but I was once shot down by him after I cuddled her, she basically ran to me on holiday when he smacked her and I was told NOT TO PARENT HIS CHILD. She has since witnessed a few arguments between us (mainly his doing) and every time this happens it's like she sees me as the enemy or the devil. About two years ago when she was 8 this strange behavior started and she would no longer be in the same room as me on her own, if her dad left the room she would follow, basically shadowing him everywhere he went. Something I made no big issue about, but over time it's started to eat away at me, there have been times where I have cooked her a lovely meal and she has looked at her dad and said "thank you Daddy". She will kiss him goodnight and come and give me a strange sort of cuddle but turn her face away if I try to kiss her as if I am repulsive in some way. I have never once spoken sternly, or even shouted at his children but yet why have they disliked me? My daughter on the other hand has been called all the names under the sun by him for the last few years and yet still forgives him. My own Daughter has now gone to live temporarily with her friend as she has had a mini breakdown because of the pressure I have put on her to keep her room clean, keep up with college work etc, all to keep him happy as it's his house. I am at my wit's end, his Daughter is constantly spying on me, peeping around doors then running away when she hears me coming. Her Mum is a complete fruitloop and I am beginning to wonder if she has had something to do with this, ie telling her not to bond with me as I would imagine she could not bear the thought of us being a "happy family" even though she is remarried. My makeup has been going missing, and I have been finding it in his Daughter's room, I never say anything I just take it back, better not to cause trouble. Anyway the things I have told are just a small part of it, I am now at a stage where I have disengaged with my stepdaughter completely and spend her weekends here in my bedroom doing my own thing, and letting them have father/daughter time, something which he preaches on so much about. I won't go into details but I would not consider him to be a good Father, the last two nights he has had her up until gone 2am while they snuggle on the sofa. Is this normal? She is constantly touching him in my presence and grabbing his arm and heaven forbid me and him try to have a conversation without her interrupting with "Dad, Dad, Dad" constantly. I am not the jealous type so it's not about him showing her attention, because he needs to be a dad first, but the fact that I am allowing him all the time he needs with her, and for her still to be reacting in a negative way towardsw me makes my mind boggle. I just need some advice for anyone who has gone through a similar thing.

[louise35]

Just to add, a few people have told me to move out but here is my situation. I am nearly 18k in debt, I have helped him out in times when he has had no work and basically paid for the household (his house) the rent, council tax etc, his kids Christmas presents etc, even his maintenance money believe it or not. My divorce money also went while funding the house. My parents have said they will clear my debts once I leave, but I am not financially in a position to leave, so it's catch 22. I have been to the council and they have said I may not get housing benefit as they believe my divorce money may have been squandered. They have said I can declare myself homeless and I and my daughter will end up in bed and breakfast accommodation until they find me somewhere, probably about 9 months to a year. This I could cope with but I worry that my daughter would not. She has been struggling to find the motivation to get to college and it's only 5 minutes away, I am scared that she will not go if she knows that she has an hour's train journey. Besides I can hardly afford the train fares. I have worked all my working life since I was 16 and feel exhausted both mentally and physically. When I approach him about clearing off my debts he comes out with some twaddle about him owing me nothing, and that the money I parted with was my "living expenses". It's all such a mess.

[3littlefrogs]

He has been sponging off you for long enough IMO.

He will never change, the whole situation sounds intolerable and TBh i think his behaviour is strange.

I would be running for the hills.

I don't think you will ever see any of your money/investment again. Sorry.

[louise35]

I don't know Natasha. I feel like I have been brainwashed into thinking that I am in the wrong, and that my Daughter is in the wrong. She does make a terrible mess around the house but her heart is in the right place, she has been a fantastic big sister to his youngest daughter. I now realise that her messiness has probably been in her mind too. She has her own issues, sexuality etc so I don't think that it's just living here that's been the problem but it's certainly not helped. But what galls me is that he is the most dirty untidy thing I have ever met, the house was a real state when I moved in and I did everything for a good 3 years while holding down a job. He has suddenly started to get his act together and now gets all sanctimonious if my daughter leaves the milk out or the bath water in or spills a bit of sugar in the kitchen.

[louise35]

The strange thing is I think he knows I am desperate to get out and in a strange way he wants to keep me here, knowing that he pays me nothing back, I don't go anywhere. Oh, another thing too, is it normal for him to see his Mother every single day and for him to be on the phone to her several times every single day?

[AgentProvocateur]

Why are you putting this man, who is mistreating you and allowing his daughter to behave badly towards you, before your own daughter? She is staying with a friend because your so-called partner has unrealistic expectations?

Stop worrying about his daughter and start putting yours first, even if that means taking your parents up on their offer to clear your debt.

[FaithLehane]

Just leave. For your daughter's sake as much as your own. He's controlling and selfish. I take it you were a single parent before you met him? So you know you can cope on your own. Just go.

[louise35]

No I was married before I met him, I married very young and I am still friends with my ex husband we just did not work as a couple. My daughter had some behavioural issues from a young age and I guess that added to the strain as both me and my ex conflicted on how to deal with it. The man I am "with" has not managed to make a single relationship work in his entire life. I at least hung onto the one relationship but had to call it a day after 20 years. He bragged to me when I first met him that he had not had a girlfriend for 6 months, as if that was somehow a long time for someone of 37 years old. When I look back on that statement I think it's rather sad!! He seems to have gone from one to another to another and apart from the Mother of his child I am the only woman he has been with for more than a few weeks/months.

[catsmother]

For heaven's sake - get out before this gets any worse. Really, even if he never does the honourable thing and repays some of the money you've spent on his home etc then I think it's a case of cutting your losses. What would you actually stand to gain if you stay ? .... more pressure, more being put 2nd best, increased risk of becoming more estranged from your daughter the longer you remain living apart and even more money down the drain. Sure - being in B&B on a temporary basis isn't anyone's ideal but your parents have made you a fantastically generous offer (guess they don't want to pay your debts until you're well and truly away from him) which will mean that even if you have to start all over again from scratch at least it'll be with a clean slate - which is more than many women in a similar situation to you would have.

In all honesty I think this goes way beyond the "usual" problematic step situation. I'm not so sure this isn't emotional abuse the way you're being treated. Perhaps speak to Women's Aid for advice about leaving - both practical and emotional ?

[louise35]

Thank you catsmother, will look them up. I know to many of you this situation is ludicrous but I at the moment am not in the best of health both physically and mentally and I look forward to going to work tomorrow. Luckily I have a job that I love and some lovely colleagues who know my situation. He is very controlling even though he does it in a round about way, he even accused me of having an affair with my boss who is happily married. He is also very insecure, his other partners cheated on him, having lived with him for over 4 years I can see why they did, although he has no right to tar me with the same brush. He is an overgrown Mummy's boy who turned on the charm when I met him and I fell hook line and sinker and thought he was something special, took me nearly 6 years of my life to realise he is never going anywhere and I started out as a normal woman, I don't know what normal is any more. I feel utterly brainwashed and if I ever decided to find love somewhere else I honestly don't know how I would function in a normal relationship having endured this weirdness for so long. I would certainly never get involved with someone with kids that aren't grown up, especially girls

[Ilikecandy]

I feel for,you OP.
My dh and dsd are similar, but for some fluke in fortune it turns out I hold all,the cards regarding our house. This was not something I instigated, a bit too complicated to explain here, but dh has been "paying me back" since. I.e. keeping his finances a secret to annoy me.
We talked about this and he openly admitted he was angry that I won't change papers in his favour, but having seen now what a cad he can be/ is, that won't be happening in the foreseeable future.
Dh also a mummy's boy, but more in the category of being cheeky and demanding of her... And now me!
God I wish I had seen this all coming, but like your dh he was plenty charming.
Is there no way the court/a solicitor could get some money back for you? I don't live in the UK so I can't offer this kind of advice.
I got some great advice on the relationship board btw. Look after yourself!

[Ilikecandy]

Ps, nearly vomited when I read about the cheating part.
Dh did have an affair during his first marriage, which practically ended it. Stands by his claim though that ex also cheated on him with her boss. Not so sure about that now...

[beansontoastfortea]

The thing that stands out for me is when you said you feel 'brainwashed'. For me, the fact that your on here voicing your concerns shows your definitely not and seems to me that maybe it's the fear of the unknown if you leave him that is stopping you. I was afraid to leave my husband of 4 years when our dd was 8 months old, but after going too far one day I took the plunge. The council put us into temporary accommodation for 5 months and then we had a permanent place. The years alone with her were my greatest and I want to say to you that money and men are nothing to the comparison of only having one chance with your dd that you won't be able to get back. I hope you can get yourself out of this mans house where him and his daughter treat you like this. You deserve better and deserve to be happy, sounds like youve made a huge effort for both of them and have been taken advantage of. take care of you and sounds like you have a great offer of support from your parents too!

[beansontoastfortea]

Btw, leaving my husband left me going into bankruptcy with debts of 200k....oops ;) I've gone through the bankruptcy now and recently been discharged. I didn't allow the money concerns to bring me down, although I know it can be daunting and stressful

[Turniptwirl]

Put you and your daughter first, please.

Can you stay with your parents if you left? They sound unhappy that you're with this guy and are obviously supportive if they're willing to help clear your debt.

I'm sorry you're in such a shit situation and there's no easy answers, but if you stay put things are likely to spiral downwards. What about when your dsd turns into a teenager?

[louise35]

Thanks for all your lovely practical replies. I guess beansontoast you are right I am not completely brainwashed, but the only thing I can explain is that my behaviour is programmed, does that make sense? My lovely Daughter came home today and I have missed her like mad but I was still nagging her to pick up after herself as it's "his house". She is 18 years old, clearly hormonal, under alot of pressure and I need to leave her alone, but it's impossible in this house. I am happy for her to leave her room messy as it's only a room but he waits until I get home from work then starts moaning about it, I actually dread coming home from work most of the time.
Luckily his Daughter has now gone home to her Mum, I have had 3 days in my room listening to them laughing and giggling like a pair of 3 year olds until the early hours. I came downstairs today via the dining room, she was in there and stormed out as I entered, I am starting to really dislike her stroppy behavior. I have been unwell too, I work in an Opticians and I offered to clean the place while our cleaner has been off, so I spent 6 hours in there on Sunday, omg the place was filthy and then Sunday night I felt very unwell, figuring I had caught something from cleaning the toilet floors or something and have come out in what I can only describe as chicken pox like symptoms. I think it's shingles. Anyway to cut a long story short he knows I have felt unwell for a couple of days but did they keep the noise down while I tried to sleep? A big fat no. After she went home and my Daughter came back the pair of us have kept ourselves upstairs watching films together and every time I go downstairs for a drink etc he pounces on me, pretending to be concerned about my state of health. Seems to me that he has missed some adult company and adult conversation. He preaches on about having his Father/Daughter time and is quite happy to isolate me while he behaves like he is in kindergarten, but he also cannot stand to be left alone when she leaves. Well he cannot have it both ways, but being a decent person I end up feeling bloody sorry for him. Grr so frustrating. My parents keep telling me I will get nowhere being a nice person but I am afraid that I am a nice person, ,much to my undoing. TURNIPTWIRL I cannot stay with my parents as they live 300 miles away, although they have told me to go home, but I have a job here that I love, my Daughter attends college here, has all her friend network is here, and I do not want to ruin her life by dragging her away from all that. She's been through enough. I feel inspired to just go to the council, admit that my money has been spent and just see what they can offer me. I have worked all my life and never claimed a penny in anything apart from family allowance, surely I should be entitled to something? Thanks again for all your kind replies. Will keep you posted.

[louise35]

Just to thank you all again for reassuring me. After a rather nasty night with him drinking and basically being borderline violent and very abusive I am leaving him. I have been to the council offices today and explained my position. They have said that if I get a letter from him stating that he wants me out of the house they will basically lend me the money to get me started with a new flat. It would be privately rented but I have also been told that I can claim housing benefit. That, along with the help from my parents should at least enable me to make the break. I have told him I will be out in August as I am undergoing some medical tests in the next 8 weeks and it's easier if I am here for consistency with the hospital contacting me for appointments etc. He has been very quiet today as he now knows there is no turning back. He has met with his ex girlfriend today who he had stayed friends with and was still friends with when me met (long story but let's just say she wants him back and has played all sorts of tricks with me since I moved in with him, including coming to my house and leaving one of her bra's under my sofa cushion, he is only with me because I resemble the ex love of his life, and saying that it will never work because he wants more kids, knowing that I have had a hysterectomy and bragging that he wanted kids with her, something which he has always denied) anyway after not speaking to her for a couple of years she has managed to get his number from his oldest Daughter, and she has been sending him pesty little text messages to meet for coffee and he has given in and met her today. I have tolerated enough from this prick of a human being, and when his life turns sour again like it was before he met me he will have nobody to blame but himself. He had a very loyal partner in me but maybe he thrives more on someone who will treat him like shit and cheat on him. I hope his next one does just that, and shows his little brat the same compassion and understanding that he has shown my Daughter over the past few years. After reading my original message I could not believe what an absolute fool I have been, they say love is blind and I have wasted 6 years of my life and £30k of my money. I will keep you posted on my progress.

[captainmummy]

Louise you sound really strong and focussed. I hope you get what you want in the way of a flat from the council and your dd back with you.

Good luck.

[louise35]

Thanks captainmummy. I am still feeling a little like the bad person in all this but I reckon his mind games have worn away at me and made me feel like a bad person. I have never dared express my feelings around him as he was very angry when I met him but he had a strange vulnerability too. My Dad told me that it seems that he has a strange hold on me, the father of his ex girlfriend who ditched him years ago and broke his heart apparently said that he had a kind of svengali hold over her too but she broke free at the first sign of trouble after about 3 months. It took him years to get over her and he was still carrying pics of her on his phone when I met him, and she left him in 2001, yes 2001, I met him in 2007. I have left him twice before and came back as I am a true trier in life, I stayed in one unhappy relationship for 20 years previously for the sake of my Daughter, but he has had more relationships than I can count, all failed. He did warn me just before I moved in with him that he kyboshes every relationship he has, I thought we would be stronger than that because we were truly in love and I was a strong person. Unfortunately all the other factors combined, meddling ex girlfriends, unaccommodating stepchildren and his Mother who has had way too much involvement have amounted to a very intelligent woman (me) being eaten away at and all that's left is an empty shell, doubting my own judgement which is why I came back here for some advice again in the first place. I want a life again with my Daughter, who at the end of the day has tolerated some extreme pressure from him, name calling etc and she has always forgiven him, something which I taught her, forgiveness. I am very proud of her although she is not perfect. She thought the world of him at one point and now she cannot bear to be in the same house as him but when she comes homes again tomorrow after a few days away no doubt she will still be nice to him. I credit her for that, and she deserves better than what she has been through.

[louise35]

I could actually write a book on my experiences over the last 5 and a bit years. I have not told anywhere near the whole thing as it's too painful and some of it is unbelievable. I actually cannot believe myself, that I have stayed amongst this chaos for as long as I have. Thanks again all for your support.

[captainmummy]

So did you go from your ExH to your STBX P?

Are you looking forward to being on your own, without the stresses and extra work from being in a relationship? It sounds like you are.

Good for you. I really hope it works out.

[louise35]

Yes more or less went from being married to in another relationship. I am actually a little scared of being on my own, will take some getting used to but it will be nice to be able to come home from work to my own flat, where I can sit in peace without being bombarded the minute I walk in with useless claptrap about politics and other venomous subjects. He also slates every programme I watch, he slates it all the way through it, bloody nightmare. He talks at me, not to me, if you know what I mean and I am at a point now where the minute I leave work I feel a black cloud looming on the walk home, not knowing what's waiting for me when I get back. He has signed the letter I drafted up, I have said I will be out of here end of August when I get my clean bill of health hopefully. If I can provide the council with the letter they have said they will lend me the money to get started. I sat on my bed and sobbed today at the thought of all the upheaval and the thought of how much in love we once were and how something can turn so sour. But I know in the end I will feel genuinely happy and not have to pretend for the sake of having a roof over my head.

[tigerrose]

I think you deserve better - just the fact that your daughter has moved out should shout to you. If she can do it you can for the good of both of you. We get one chance on this world and for the sake of a couple of hard years you are willing to throw away the rest of your life on a selfish arogant man. The relationship between him and his daughter sounds a strange one ! you are clearly there to be a house maid - go ...

[louise35]

Oh god, someone help me please. My Mum found out exactly how much debt I was in, my Dad had lied to her bless him and told him I owed half of what I actually did. She promply called me and told me that they could not afford to help me to the full extent. The help they could give me was £10000 which would still leave me forking out £300 a month on debts and trying to support my Daughter who asks for money every week and says she needs it to live then promptly shows up with a new handbag, a new hair colour and the latest thing, a new pet rat!! I would end up living on nothing. I am at a point where I want to go to sleep and not wake up and I know I have brought this on myself and that I deserve all that has been put on me.

[louise35]

I hate him, I hate his nasty manipulative ex, and the nasty manipulative lying games playing offspring that they have produced between them. I hope they all rot. I know saying these things is terrible but I have faith in the decent person that I am and hope that one day the truth of this vile situatlion will out.