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Should I be putting up with this?

(6 Posts)
LittleWhile Sun 26-May-13 22:42:07

I live with my DP. In the same small town as his ex. His two teenage children spend most of their time with us. Neither do anything to help in the house whatsoever. His 18 year old son blags off college and lies in bed until lunchtime.He stays out late most nights and has been in trouble with the police. He smokes a lot of weed and probably does other drugs. He is constantly rude to his father and expects us to pay for his upkeep.
His 16 year old daughter has depressive and anorexic tendencies is sulky and sullen and spoilt. She is the pickiest eater and won't eat what the rest of the family have, and has to have a separate meal prepared. DP panders to her every whim and fetches and carries for her and drives her all over the place. She can do no wrong.
I work full time, and my children rarely come to stay as one is older and the other lives further away.
We are having some building work done to the house at the moment and his children are staying. They don't get on well with their mother as she is neurotic! We have one shower room for washing between us all, as the bathroom is being modernised. It's just awful! The whole house is always filthy, there is so much washing, the kids just dump their stuff in the hallway and to cap it all we have the ex dog living with us too. He stinks, makes a mess and growls at me!
I'm thinking of moving into a B&B until the bathroom is finished, but I would still have the issue with the kids, when I came home!
We have constant arguments about them, but nothing changes.
My own divorce was very traumatic and I am suffering from depression and anxiety as a result of the upheaval. I'm not coping with the situation I now find myself in, but seem powerless to change anything.
Worse still, His ex constantly causes issues and we often bump into her when we go out to a restaurant or pub in the evening. She did very nicely from the divorce and has a great lifestyle and doesn't have her kids living full time with her. I have all her children's issues that she should be dealing with.
I love DP, and life is great when its just us, but I wish I could live elsewhere when his kids come to stay! I don't want to be disloyal to DP or jeopardise the relationship by not coping with his kids.

Veryunsure Mon 27-May-13 09:46:50

You sound really stressed and it must be very wearing, have you sat down and spoken to your dp and told him exactly how you feel?

I have had moments of meltdown and when I spelled it out for dh he and I together worked out a plan that would suit our home. It's hard if your dp isn't seeing the issues or worse plain ignoring them. I hope you can get it sorted. I do tend to go by my house my rules and I won't be made to feel uncomfortable in the place I live in and contribute 50% to!

LittleWhile Mon 27-May-13 10:34:38

Thank you VeryUnsure! It's good just to offload here! I have told DP how I feel and he responds by trying to run around and do everything to please everyone! He doesn't get stressed easily, and seems oblivious to the chaos, which makes me feel like I am over reacting! I know this is just a phase for the kids, and don't want to appear to be the wicked stepmother! I'm trying to accommodate their behaviour because they went through a bad time when their Mum and Dad split. I feel that if I put my foot down, it may back fire on me and DP and I will split too.

Veryunsure Mon 27-May-13 13:39:08

One is an adult the other very nearly, perhaps it's time to stop compensating for their bad time at the expense of your own well being.

Do you know what you'd like to happen, something you could suggest to dp? I'd also have a frank discussion with his DC and let them know you'd appreciate some help around the house etc. You're unhappy so something needs to change. thanks

Ilikecandy Mon 27-May-13 14:42:54

Poor you!
I felt equally at a loss for the first few years. Again, hung on because I thought dsc and dh didn't know any better.
Fearing burnout I bought a drier and all kids now do own laundry, including putting away. I sometimes help,with folding.
Once a week they load the dishwasher and are expected to clean up after themselves in communal areas, x box equipment etc.
The older two, 15 and 16 are expected to get own lunches, make own snacks when needed. Took a weight off me.
If you don't look after yourself, no one will (least of all dh...).

LittleWhile Mon 27-May-13 18:12:43

Thank you all for your support and ideas! It certainly helps to hear that others have had the same problems! From now on everyone has their own laundry basket and can do their own stuff! I have told DP that I will not go out to work while his son lies in bed and DSD goes back to her Mums tomorrow for a while. Gives me time to plan a routine for the next visit! Feeling better!

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