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Well its all over. Do I still qualify?

(8 Posts)
reflection Tue 23-May-06 17:31:19

If any of you remember me and my struggles last year you will know that things were very difficult. So finally over the last couple of months we split after five years. I have had to cancell the wedding and the house is being sold. All these things can be sorted and I have a plan for them all. However what happens to my relationship with the children? So far so good. SD(13) has been over for dinner and I still take her to karate. SD(16) calls over sometimes as he can get over on his mophead. But I am so afraid that I will become no one. I feel such a deep loss for the part of their life that I have been and I know that really I don't count but it is so painful after so much. I know that nothing but time will tell but has anyone else out there been through this?

I love both of those kids and I would love to continue to be part of their lives. But I am aware that I must try to let them know I am there for them without them feeling that I am making demands on them. What is for the best? I will not reject them because my relationship fell apart but equally will I become another complecation in their lives? (they have different mothers) ???

Nice to see the Nutty club still going. That was a great source of support for me at very difficult times....working on getting my sense of humour back :-)

FruitAndNutcase Tue 23-May-06 17:45:49

Hi Reflection. I am so sorry to hear of your split, I knew that things weren't so good with you and yours but did not know they were that bad. I think it is wonderful that you still see your stepchildren and the fact that they still want to see you says lots about how they feel about you.

I have not been through what you have (and hopefully never will), but just wanted to say that my thoughts and best wishes are with you and in answer to your question, of course you still qualify. Please keep coming on here and especially to the nutty stepmums club it is so great to see you again. You have been a fab help to me amongst others in the past and I am sure I speak for us all when I say that we dont want to see you go.

reflection Tue 23-May-06 17:55:18

Thanks Fruity. You have brought I tear to my eye. I am and I hope that I always will be a positive thinker. I have hope in my furture and a belief that everything happens for a reason. However I have never felt a fear of losing someone like I do for the kids. I feel so totally powerless. I am hoping that as things settle down I will gain more confidence in my relationship with them. It's the change that is unsettling. One BM has always been very supportive and in fact since the split things have been easier for our friendship however the other one would have felt satisfied the day it happened I just hope that 13 is old enough to have your own mind.!?

Squirrel3 Tue 23-May-06 19:22:07

Reflection, what can I say, except to give you huge hugs?

I am so sorry that things have got so bad for you, I haven't stopped thinking of you, I started threads asking for you to get in touch, I knew you didn't have a computer at home and I didn't know if you would get into trouble at work if I were to CAT you there.

Anyway, about the step-children, they obviously love you and still want you in their lives, I don't think you would be a complication, I think it may hurt them greatly if you were to suddenly drop out of their lives. The fact that they still see you and want you include you in their lives says that you do count in their lives.

Yes, you do still qualify as a Step-mum, once a step-mum always a Step-mum and you have the added and necessary quality of being extremely nutty too!

reflection Tue 23-May-06 19:52:53

Oh Squirrel, thank you for your kind thoughts. One of the positive benefits of living alone is that I now have a greater disposable income. Hense the use of broadband at home and a new lease of life within mumsnet! You know, I am sure that what you say is true and the kids will continue to be a part of my life. But there is this strange thing called my emotional brain and it seems to have a life of its own. My poor intelligent brain is struggling to keep control....oh no...maybe its getting smaller! (if my spelling is anything to go by)

Well its good to chat again and if nothing else I have learn't alot and gained a lot in the last five or so years......30 in Thursday! Life begins at 30, well for me anyway. Thank you for listening/reading.

foxinsocks Tue 23-May-06 19:59:39

sorry to hear about all of this. Dh's previous girlfriend had 2 kids (both teenagers) from another relationship. When dh split with her, they stopped contact with him and because of that, dh never pushed contact. However, later on, ex-girlf got very upset that he had never tried to maintain contact (saying he obviously didn't care).

Personally, I think she used them a bit in the break-up and turned them a bit against him - on the other hand, they could have come to see him if they had wanted to but I think they felt they would be betraying their mum.

So after that whole saga, I would say you have to leave it up to the kids. I would continue sending birthday cards etc. but if they start phasing you out of their lives, I don't think there is much you can do - I also wouldn't take it that this means they don't/didn't care about you. I hope it works out the way you want it to and I think it's lovely that you want to keep contact with them.

reflection Tue 23-May-06 20:17:04

Thank you foxin socks. I think you are right. I will try to follow their lead. What ever I will always send cards etc at Christmas and birthdays. Unconditional thats how I want to be. Just got to get the balance right. Fingers crossed I will judge it well. xx

alligator Wed 24-May-06 10:54:59

Hi reflection So sorry to hear that you have split. I know how you feel about missing the kids and how difficult it can be. One of the things that held me and dp together when things were bad was the thought of not seeing dss again. (tho am sure I would have done as I get on well with his mum).

Please do continue to post on the NSC. You know you are always welcome esp if bearing virtual alcohol

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