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(7 Posts)
snowpony Mon 20-May-13 16:20:31

My DH and I live 4 hours away from my DSD. We travel every other week to have her for 4 days, so 8 hours of commuting there and back. On top of this, when we are there we are the ones to do all the driving - picking up DSD at the beginning and end of the visit which adds a significant amount of time to our travel. We've been doing this for about 4 years, as DH wanted to make sure that DSD wasn't disrupted too much by her parents break up. But now things have changed as we are expecting a baby in the next few weeks and so I want DH to speak to ex about changing travel arrangements so that we don't have all the running around as well as the drive to see DSD. He thinks this is unfair as it isn't his ex's fault things have changed. I think that's life and we've gone out of our way to make things easy for 4 years, but now it's us that need the help. Anyone been in a similar situation?

purpleroses Mon 20-May-13 16:29:21

Sorry but I think you're probably on a lost cause if you think that because you're having a baby, his ex is going to suddenly agree to do half the driving, especially if your DH was the one who moved away. From the ex's point of view, the timing of being asked to put herself out probably couldn't be worse than when she's most likely feeling her DD's relationship with her dad is under threat from the new baby.

How old is DSD? Would it be feasible for her mum to put her on a train, and your DH to pick her up at a station near you?

If not, then I think you'll have to work something out - eg one weekend your DH goes on his own, and the next fortnight you all go as a family. So you'd only be travelling once a month. Or move to seeing her for, say, one weekend in three and then longer in the holidays?

Would seem fair enough to ask DSD's mum to do a bit of the local travel to wherever you stay when you go and visit her (relatives?) but again, the timing's probably not great with the new baby coming. Could your DH do the local driving without you and the baby in tow?

snowpony Mon 20-May-13 16:48:28

Thanks for the response purpleroses. I'm still planning on going to see DSd every other weekend, would hate for her to think that she wasn't important anymore just because baby arrived, but its the local travel I'm talking about. After DH ex left him for someone she met at work, his work changed to where we live now, hence the mammoth commute every 2 weeks! So it wasn't as simple as him moving away, plus he has no family where DSD lives - he moved there to be with his ex. IMO the ex hasn't been inconvenienced by the split much - moved new boyfriend into the family home after DH was forced to leave and since then DH has done all the driving (think he has made a rod for his own back being the 'good guy').

Stepmooster Mon 20-May-13 18:28:32

snowpony - you and I have very similar problems. But we are moving some point after DC2 is born. We just know it's never going to change, and we are biting the bullet and relocating to where ex's new DH lives. Well actually the next town along, the town isn't big enough for both of us! I wasnt sure at first but now I really want DSS and my DC's to spend as much time together as possible and nurture that sibling bond.

IS this an option to consider in the medium term? Or at least move a little closer than at present?

BabyHMummy Tue 21-May-13 10:25:14

Trust me when I say living Exw doesn't change who is doing all the running about.

Dp's Exw did urs, affair, kicked him out, took house etc. We live in my council flat and also.have a baby due. We are 10 miles from exw, next town and she point blank refuses to do any travel. It drives me.nuts esp as dp's work Rota means I do most of the handovers.

I have put my foot down hard about when the baby comes. If she is asleep I will not be disturbing her, Exw will get off her lazy ass and come get her kids for at least 1 journey. Reasonable behaviour seems to disappear when divorce and kids is involved

snowpony Tue 21-May-13 19:05:06

biggest problem with living close to DSD is getting work, so we will have to put up with the commute for a while yet.

For me the whole point is that DSD gets to spend time with her Dad and her new sibling, so if the Ex has to do some of the driving then it's in her daughters best interests so she should. Think I'm going to have the same problem as you BabyHMummy!

BabyHMummy Tue 21-May-13 19:25:49

I warn you now the arguement you will get will go along the lines of "but I do all the school runs and running them about in the week" and "well you chose to move there"

My dp backs down, I on the otherhand rant that neither of them would have to do any running about if the cheap little Ho had kept her knickers up.

Sorry, hormones are making me very intolerant of the b!tch's double standards

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