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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Faking it

73 replies

AnnaNanna2 · 19/05/2013 13:18

Hello everyone who is reading this,

I'm a right old newbie - I've literally just joined! I've had a look around and I hope I don't tread on anyone's "toes", but I wanted to talk about my situation, and hope that anyone can give me advice or guidance, or experience, which would be great (but I'm not holding my breath).

Are we sitting comfortably?

So, bit of background: I'm just about in my early 20s, and I don't have any children (nor any on the way - hence the "faking it"). I've been in a relationship now for nearly 5 months with my boyfriend.

Now then, bf has just (in the last 2 weeks) become a father to twins (from an earlier relationship). I've been very happy for him, and on the day they were born I was jumping off the walls with happiness. The trouble is, the next day I was bawling with tears because I felt really left out and I'm not allowed to see the babies (the mother doesn't know about me, and won't for a while). Every day since then I've felt either sad or happy, and most of all, very alone. Of my friends, only one has children, and none are in my situation.

Bf and I have always discussed the situation, and he has said he wants me to be a 3rd parent to babies, and to be equal as much as possible - more so if we live together and they visit. So why do I feel like I've gone from being his partner to being a thing he visits occasionally?

Has anyone got any advice or has anyone been here? Is it doable, or should I go hide in my bed?

Sorry for the rant, thanks for listening!

OP posts:

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breaktheroutine · 19/05/2013 16:06

My personal advice is to run for the hills. You are likely to ave a very long hard, and often miserable and lonely slog ahead. You're very young, don't do it to yourself. Honestly, if you were my daughter I'd be very worried for you.

AnnaNanna2 · 19/05/2013 17:38

Thanks breaktheroutine. I've been really unhappy today actually, so it might come to that after all. It's difficult though, I feel like he's my other half. We'll see...

OP posts:

TheLateMrPamuk · 19/05/2013 17:40

Run.

Leviticus · 19/05/2013 17:43

I wouldn't have been jumping off the walls with excitement that my boyfriend had just become a father with someone else either. I think the 'third parent' idea may be wishful thinking. He sounds like he has a lot of recent baggage - are you sure this is what you want?

AnnaNanna2 · 19/05/2013 17:43

Can people appreciate it's not that easy?

OP posts:

AnnaNanna2 · 19/05/2013 17:45

I don't really see it as baggage. I don't exactly come foot loose and fancy free to the relationship, but neither do I have children to care for! Until recently, I wanted the man, regardless of what that came with. It's hard to separate the two

OP posts:

breaktheroutine · 19/05/2013 17:47

Is easier than a lifetime as a SM, that I can assure you

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/05/2013 17:48

I understand it's not easy to leave. But it's a lot harder to be a sm, and you are very young to tie yourself to a man with dc.

And I say that as the mother of a young, involved father myself. His gfs have to accept that they play second fiddle to his ds at all times. He and his ex have a fairly amicable separation (mostly, she didn't like the last gf and created all sorts of difficulties.) and if there's a crisis with the ds, she'll call my ds for help. He drops everything. Do you want to live like that?

NotaDisneyMum · 19/05/2013 17:48

anna I too urge caution- your BF desire for you to be a third parent is unlikely to be achievable - it does sometimes happen, but not for many.

It is likely that your BF will have 'little and often' contact with his babies for months or years because they are infants - even if he wants you to take a parental role, it is unlikely to be possible; much of his parenting will be done in the company of the DTs Mum to start with, gradually building up to time alone before overnights are considered.

You will come second to his babies at the moment - you will be left out, and it will be a part of his life you can't be involved in straight away.

If that's what you need to make the relationship work then I think you should walk away and allow him to be the best dad he can be to his DT right now.

If you can stick it out when they're babies, though -then you will have formed a very strong foundation for your future relationship and there is absolutely no reason why you can't be an important part of their lives as they grow up.

balia · 19/05/2013 17:49

I think he has to learn how to be a parent, and more importantly, a co-parent with someone else, before you are brought into the picture. If he is deceiving the ex about you, it is not likely that she will be over the moon when she finds out about it, and may not jump at the chance to share her precious new-born babies with a 'third parent'.

All you can do for the time being is support your DP to give as much support to the mother of his children as he can. They're not likely to be visiting in the near future, but he will need to establish that bond with them. How is his relationship with his ex?

AnnaNanna2 · 19/05/2013 17:51

Are you a SM with children from before the relationship, can I ask? Just because if you ,didn't have any before, it'd be more like me!

OP posts:

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 17:57

You're not thinking clearly.

Your notion of 3rd parent is utterly ridiculous.

If the mother doesn't know about you do you know he's properly split from her?

Also, twins tend to come early. If that's the case, he wasn't long out of his relationship before he got with you which rings red flag bells for me.

Lastly, on what planet do you think it would be appropriate to turn up to the hospital to see his newborn babies with someone else? It's not about you. His priority has to be those children, and until he has his access/relationship with them settled you should come a very very far 3rd place.

AnnaNanna2 · 19/05/2013 17:57

I seem to be overlapping my messages. Balia, nota and oldladyknowsnothing: thank you for your replies. They're more...considered and along the lines of how I think. I have considered if giving him space for a few months might be easier for everyone, and might lead to a stronger future

Can I point out that I'm not jealous of the babies, and I would not come between them. Honestly. I am however sad because I can't visit them and have to hide away, but equally understand why. Understanding doesn't make it easier though.

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FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 17:58

But if he was properly committed to you he'd have told his ex. Not be hiding you. That's a huge red flag right there.

Are you ready to be some shameful secret?

NumTumDeDum · 19/05/2013 17:59

Having step children can be very rewarding. It can also be extremely draining and unrewarding. This particular situation isn't sounding like it's going to be the former. The mother doesn't know about you yet. When she does find out I doubt her reaction will be a good one. It could range from stopping him seeing the children or making contact provisional on you not being part of it. She is unlikely to embrace you as a third parent. In time you may be accepted as part of his life by her. But that is going to take time. Their separation will be raw, she will be feeling vulnerable having just had children and here he is omitting to tell her about you. Telling her will shake her trust.

You sound absolutely lovely. Please think very carefully about whether you continue this relationship. It's waving a big red flag at me. He has separated from the mother of his children and he is currently lying to her about you. It doesn't take a large leap to think that he could do that to you. That aside, if you continue with him you are going to come second best to these twins (rightly so, they have no choice here) and it will cause resentment, both on your part and on his.

You deserve to have a committed relationship with a man who is able and willing to put you first. Choose to be happy, please think about what is best for you.

AnnaNanna2 · 19/05/2013 18:00

Freddie, I would suggest asking more about when we got together and how long they were together before making assumptions. Also you're assuming I haven't asked him and checked for signs myself that he's over her

I also know I can't go to the hospital...I'm not stupid!

OP posts:

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 18:02

But it is a red flag. And he's lying about you to her. He's not being truthful.

I'm sorry but I think you're being manipulated.

Booyhoo · 19/05/2013 18:04

5 months in and you are talking about moving in and being a 3rd and equal parent?

NumTumDeDum · 19/05/2013 18:07

I say all the above as a step mother to three (now in their 20s) girls. I met the ex and got on with her as far as I could and I love those girls. But despite me trying never to step on toes, it happened, and there were some horrible horrible situations. It's like walking a tightrope and when you get it right it can be wonderful. When it goes wrong it is heartbreaking. You are at a crossroads here, you are not yet emotionally invested in the children. I can't tell you not to carry on, I don't know your partner but please do go in eyes open.

Booyhoo · 19/05/2013 18:10

i would be needing an answer to the question "why am i being hidden from your 'ex'?" before there would be any discussion about teh future of the realtionship.

there is a reason he hasn't told her about you. what is it?

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 19/05/2013 18:11

Exactly what Boo said.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/05/2013 18:13

Look back over your first post, Anna, and see how much unhappiness you express. The fact is, you'll feel like that a lot of the time, if you stay with this man.

How is his relationship with his ex, now? Why did they split? How much time is he spending with her and their babies at the moment?

How much time do you spend, alone and sobbing? :(

I'm sorry, but I really think you should walk away. Maybe you can stay friendly and see how he settles into Being A Father, without you as a distraction. Maybe you can pick up the reins again in a few years.

But he's not right for you right now, and as has been said, you deserve better.

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AnnaNanna2 · 19/05/2013 18:14

I've asked the "why am I being hidden" question many times, and strongly suggested he tells her, however the answer from him and his family is that She might kick off and stop him having contact. They don't have a good relationship and visitation will be hard for him i think.

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balia · 19/05/2013 18:15

I think giving him space is a great idea. Obviously you understand why you are being kept a secret and the rest of us don't, but are you sure you are as happy and resigned to that as you seem to be saying? It's just you've posted on probably the most well-known parenting website and announced your bf's ex has just had twins. Unless you have changed the details to avoid anyone recognising themselves...well, there aren't going to be THAT many women who have had twins in the last two weeks who have split with the father...

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/05/2013 18:15

Oh, dear, that doesn't bode well. :(

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