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would anyone else find this a bit odd/frustarting?

(160 Posts)
Stepmooster Sun 19-May-13 00:19:12

DH has been told today by DSS that his mum and her DH are going abroad on hols for 2 weeks in summer. Forgetting for one moment that DH has been helping with her court ordered mortgage payments until FMH sale has gone through because she's supposed to be skint, isn't it a bit odd not to tell the only other person with PR that you are planning to be out of the country?

What makes this especially annoying is DSS doesn't know the dates. DH will have to ask his ex and no doubt she will send him some usual bitchy reply.

We got told what 2 weeks we're having DSS by his ex a few weeks ago, not open for discussion. No probs that I will be 8 months pregnant and both of us working FT. First baby born 2 weeks early too. DH has managed to sort time off but I need to help us through maternity leave financially so I will have to work. I am guessing this is when they are going abroad. Although DSS has been known to stay for a week or 2 with his maternal gran when ex has gone on holiday (and Dh not asked if he would like to have his son then instead).

I'm just dreading August, a long commute on the tube, a 13 month old, a bored 11 yo for 2 weeks. What are we going to do if babba arrives early we only have a 2 bed?!

Stepmooster Mon 20-May-13 13:00:29

Dreamer, last time when I got pregnant I told DH that if it came down to it I was prepared to give birth with just the medical staff for comapny if DSS needed him, he was to stay with DSS. I didnt want a child to see me give birth, as births are not all 'one born every minute'. That's my personal choice and not everyone's I know. Midwife/NCT/relatives/friends all had us convinced that first babies take hours/days to arrive and are always late - not 37 weeks as DD was. DSS was ex's third child and he took 2 days to arrive. DH and I were not at all expecting DD birth to be as it was, we thought contractions would start, DSS uncle would collect him and then DH and I would be left in peace. It didnt work like that. Now I know what it was like, and only having gone through it once I am trying to plan in my head how I will cope, where everyone will be, based on my previous experience. I am not going to be in control of my actions once labour begins. For the last month of pregnancy I am not even going to be alone with my daughter she is going to be at nursery during the day and DH will be with me/her every other time.

YouMaySayImADreamer Mon 20-May-13 13:28:48

Op, i wasnt being sarcastic, i was genuinely complimenting you for your selflessness in that situation.

Having read your whole story i understand and sympathise with your situation.

I think it is just difficult to offer a solution that will work for both you and the little boy, and that will be fair to you both. The problem from his pov would be that theres quite a big window of opportunity where he cant stay over with his dad (could be up to six week period if the baby could be early or even overdue) just incase you go into labour. That doesnt mean i dont understand that its worrying for you, but i just think youre going to have to risk it, make some plans as best you can, and keeps your fingers crossed that baby doesnt arrive early.

Stepmooster Mon 20-May-13 13:41:56

Chancing it is what the plan is, feeling frustrated certainly. I can't help it, I just am! Sorry I am in extra defensive mode. I posted on Saturday having heard the news, and I didnt feel great yesterday. Woke up this morning to 100+ posts about how evil I am. I must admit I didnt read them all I just flicked through them. It's quite a mission to try and explain a whole back story in my original post so maybe I drip fed things, which I apologise for. I just thought if I said in one post that birth was traumatic for DSS people would agree with me...

AmberLeaf Mon 20-May-13 14:06:47


Ive just read through all of this thread, my thoughts;

Sorry to hear you had such a tough time with your DDs birth, that all sounds really scary.

With my armchair psych hat on, Im going to say that I think all this stuff being sort of 'up in the air' and out of your control with regards your DSS being there around the time your baby is due has become a focal point for the quite understandable anxiety you have about this babies birth.

That is just my thoughts based on how I think I would feel in the same position, no criticism of you about how you feel towards your DSS, because I really don't think that is the issue here.

I do think though, that your DH needs to take control and get something sorted, for your DSSs sake, but for you too, you need to be able to focus on having this baby safely without having to worry about what is going to happen with your DSS and how that is going to rebound on to your DHs availability to you at the birth, I know you've said that obviously the birth is your priority, but I think if your DH stood up on this matter, it may make you feel better.

I hope you [well, your DH!] can get this sorted and I hope your babies birth is smoother than last time.

WandOfElderNeverProsper Tue 21-May-13 00:42:47

Wow there are a lot of bitter people on here. I can't quite believe the stuff about "well on my exs day the kids are his responsibility". Does that apply to every other time they are away from you? So nursery phone you one day and say "oh sorry to bother you, but your DC has had an accident n is being blue lighted into hospital" ... You do what? Tell them its exs day n to go bother him? Tell them its their responsibility as what else are they being paid for? Lovely. Wish it was that easy to switch off! (She says, as someone who works full time on all sorts of weird shifts, who needs to do so to pay for raising her kids, and fully understands having to chose between work and being there)

I'm imagining OPs DSSs mother on her holiday now, sitting by the pool with a glass in her hand. "So where's your son DSSs mum?" "Oh back in England, watching a woman close to him hemorrhage and potentially worse... What's that? Aren't I bothered? Fuck that sweetie, its dads week! Chin chin!"

But I do see the POV that OPs husband sounds like a wet blanket and needs to grow up a bit, accept that help/support from the ex is not going to happen so he needs to sort it all out by himself instead of leaving OP worrying and getting more and more frustrated. The default position for OPs husband should have been pro-active planning for ex not cooperating seeing as it sounds the norm in this setup.

OP, I totally get why you're pissed off. Your posts are slightly garbled and possibly bringing some unrelated frustrations which contribute to your feelings but aren't relevant to the specific situation - so it could make some posters think you're just a WSM ;) but really... Your issue should be with your DP. Yes, the exw sounds like a bitch. But there's fuck all you can do about it, so let it go. Raise your issues with your DP and leave him to understand its his problem.

Just make sure you get the outcome best for you right now as stress is not going to help. If your medical needs are as bad as you say they could be re: this next birth, then you need your dp to be with you. He needs to be your advocate if anything goes wrong and you can't speak up for yourself etc.

You get a funny mix on here... Some posters accuse others of being "anti first child" - which some of them are. Some posters are also "first child worshippers" who's opinions normally focus around thinking these poor little mites from broken homes should come before every other being in the universe including other children. The creamy middle is usually best.

Oh n I agree with everything NADM said - she knows what she's on about ;)

WandOfElderNeverProsper Tue 21-May-13 00:49:31

I'm still chuckling over the thought that biomums holiday is more important than OPs potentially very complicated labour. Heh. I might see if DP wants to run off n have babies with a fancy woman so I can have holidays and have my word be law, and generally be the Most Important Person Ever. Or... I'd probably just stick around for my kids. You know. Being their mum and all.

Xalla Tue 21-May-13 06:46:30

I very much support NADM's tactical suggestions regarding your DP dealing with his ex.

He should send a factual, non-emotive email to her laying out his concerns, outlining his current plans (or lack of) for their son around the time of your baby's birth and finish off with something like "please respond with your thoughts regarding the above". Asking nicely won't get in our experience. Nor should he be tip-toeing around her anyway; the child is his as much as hers. Their responsibilities towards your DSS are equal.

Secretlifeofplants Tue 21-May-13 06:52:06

Hehe, Wandofelder, nearly peed myself reading your last post.
I have obviously missed my window of opportunity to become ruler of the universe. Ds has a sm, a lovely person, and though ex and she can be flexible regarding holidays and having ds I don't book even a weekend away without consulting them first, if my hols fit into their plans.
It simply shows respect for the people who care for my ds, I don't think it matters if they're related to him or not. Considering bad press ex usually get on mn (and yes, I'd have enough to complain about), being polite to them as you would to strangers allows everybody to move on. Bitterness just smacks of holding on to old grudges and therefore holding on to the relationship (and yes, have been on shared receiving side from dh ex ridiculous notions of her word is law etc.).

spg1983 Tue 21-May-13 07:51:03

I think some posters have missed the point of some of what has been said...the idea was not that ex could do whatever she wanted and that we supported her, the point was that she IS doing whatever she wants and DH needed to try and get through to her but ultimately if he wasn't able to then he needed to sort things himself. As a stepmom yes it is bloody frustrating when you only get certain times for holidays and then you are told it's not convenient but most of us go along with what's best for everyone even though it means sometimes changing our plans. And some people in this situation do what they want anyway and unfortunately these people cannot be forced into being considerate or helpful. That's the point we were trying to make...If ex is going to wash her hands of the child then DH almost has to become the equivalent of both parents that week and pull his finger out instead of letting the OP get all stressed out about it. It shouldn't be her concern but her DH's lack of organisation has made her worried about what could maybe happen and that's not fair.

Petal02 Tue 21-May-13 09:47:46

WandofElderNeverProsper that was a superb post !!!!!!

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