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Completely mixed emotions about this, really could use some support to sort my head out (long)

(10 Posts)
Fairy130389 Sat 18-May-13 20:50:33

DSD (8) had recently started behaving very strangely, then suddenly piped up about mummy having a 'secret' that she wasn't allowed to tell me. (DSD currently sees mum about once a week but that is only a recent change - prior to this it was much less). I was gentle and didn't pump for info but tried to explain yet again that secrets aren't really a good idea.

I had my suspicions that she might be pg but as we heard no more I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she would have told us if she was, prior to telling DSD.

DSD's behaviour has been getting worse and worse and she had become very emotional and clingy. I had put it down to the fact that I am pregnant and very close to due date which is bound to put her out of sorts.

I get a phonecall from my MIL (who still has a reasonable relationship with DSD mum - she doesn't communicate over and above texting with us) to say that mum was 14 weeks pregnant but had found that she had had a miscarriage and baby died at 8 weeks.

She had been to the hospital that day for D&C but still wanted DSD as it was her night for contact.

I feel really weird for a variety of reasons.
Obviously the human in me feels absolutely devastated for her, it must be horrific.

But then I feel so SO SO angry that she would expect DSD to keep this a secret, when it will obviously stir up so many emotions for her - why will the new baby live with mummy when I can't? etc - and that she didn't think it was appropriate to warn us about it, particularly as we had expressed to her that we were worried about recent emotional changes...

And now, she will have to explain to DSD that the baby has died, putting her through that.

Another part of me (and I recognise that this is really nothing to do with me) just can't believe that she would be so stupid as to get pregnant again, when she cannot even parent the child she already has - she doesn't turn up to plays, parties, anything and literally has NO parenting role in her life over and above very basic contact where she can't even be bothered to provide basics like pants.

So there re loads of emotions going on here.

Fundementally I just cannot believe she has put this emotional pressure on DSD by giving her a secret of this magnitude...

can you please help me put my thoughts in order and rationalise it a bit? I want to have a clear head to support DSD when she is ready to talk about it.

CookieDoughKid Sat 18-May-13 21:18:52

What is your DP opinion in this? My feeling is that all you can do is pick up the pieces for your DSD. nothing more u can do that. I'm not a step parent (Yet) but hopefully someone more experienced can provide aadvice for you.

Stepmooster Sun 19-May-13 01:35:53

You can't change the ex unfortunately, or even ask her, 'what were you thinking?'

Last sept My DSS phoned my DH up to tell him his mum was having a baby. He was so excited, and our first was only 2 months at the time. We were sceptical owing to her age, but were happy for DSS and his mum. Next time we saw DSS he told us it had been a joke by his mum. Well maybe it was just jesting but DSS was gutted.

Maybe as you are about to have a baby this will help heal things for DSD? Congrats btw! X

BabyHMummy Tue 21-May-13 10:41:33

Could .the behaviour be cos dsd already knows the baby has died and is worried about your baby dying too?

All you can do is exactly what you are doing, support and nurture and hope for the best

Fairy130389 Tue 21-May-13 21:19:04

Thanks all. Things gave been very strange here over the last couple of days. DVD came home after night at mums very strange mood - would not talk at all about mum and just changed the subject - putting on a very upbeat face, and asking me if the baby had been kicking a lot. I asked if she want edit talk about anything and she just put her hands over her ears. I have waited to see if she would open up but she had a bit of a meltdown today which centred around her mum - I'm not her real mum, mummy is much better, kinder generally more wonderful and I'm awful, basically. I spoke to MIL who has since been informed by mum that dsd witnessed her bleeding when she went to stay!! - decided now was time to talk to dsd about it properly so at bedtime I asked her how she felt about mummy's baby, and how she shouldn't be worried about mmmmy, these things are very sad but mummy not in danger etc etc... Dsd just looked at me, really sadly and said 'I'm not allowed to talk to you, how do you know about this, mummy doesn't want you t know, it's a secret! Just re-in forced that nothing is a secret and she can always talk to me and. Won't be cross.

I just feel so awful about the timing - in 3 weeks or so there will be our new baby here to shake her world up once again!!

Sorry for the essay but there is not really anyone in RL I can talk to about this.

Fairy130389 Tue 21-May-13 21:21:56

Bloody IPAD - promise I can usually spell and write coherently!

NatashaBee Tue 21-May-13 21:27:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabyHMummy Tue 21-May-13 21:28:10

Her mum has really done a number on her.

All you can do is what you are doing. Her reaction is clearly coming from mum and not her. She is a frightened little girl right now who really doesn't understand.

Keep reinforcing the lack of secrets and.that you are there for her. Would it cause issues if you were to explain that grandma is worried about her which is why you know about mummy, she thought you might need to talk etc?

ChippingInLovesSpring Tue 21-May-13 21:33:00

Fairy that woman is a bloody liability - I cannot believe the things she does (& doesn't do). That poor wee girl sad She's lucky to have you and she knows that (no matter what she says x). I can't offer any advice - I'm livid on your and DSD's behalf angry

CrowsLanding Wed 22-May-13 12:16:43

On my word that is just terrible, your poor dsd she is so lucky to have a wonderful caring role model like you in her life. Just keep doing what you are doing op. thanks

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