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DD doesn't like her step-nan.

(26 Posts)
Tubemole1 Thu 16-May-13 23:35:04

Ooh where to start...My father-in-law lost his first wife to cancer when my husband was in his early 20s and vowed to never marry again. He then met his current partner and married her only six months after my husband and I did. My husband doesn't like her, and I find her tiresome. My husband, I suspect is still upset his dad went back on his word. We are now in our thirties, they are in their sixties.

Despite our prejudices, my step-mum in law looks after my daughter outside of school hours. We generally rub along ok, but sometimes we have to hold our tongues for my FIL,s sake.

My daughter is six, and I think my husband's dislike is rubbing off on her. My SMIL is prone to lying, and coming up with fantastic stories. My daughter knows not to lie and has caught her step-nan out. Say for instance, something dd did which happened when out and about. and her step-nan reports it back to us with details added, and dd will say, no, that's wrong, that's not what happened at all, you are lying. SMIL will backtrack, but dd loses trust. SMIL also tries to buy dd affection with expensive toys and clothes, which turns her temporarily into a brat, until we re-impress upon her our values. Now dd's lost all trust in her and doesn't like her company at all. sad sad We both work shifts and now try and work opposite times so she doesn't have to spend too long at her grandad and step-nan's house.

We don't have anything to do with SMIL's children or their families as they lie too, and are very materialistic.

Luckily Grandad is retired and they have a super relationship. She just finds SMIL tiresome and a fraud.

I just wonder, can a child be a good judge of character at six, or is parental influence also to blame? Should I encourage dd to think the best of her step-nan, or allow her to continue having this perception? Is our gritted teeth as bad a cover for our lies to FIL that everything is brilliant when in fact it's not? Aren't we all just as bad as each other?

MaryMotherOfCheeses Thu 16-May-13 23:41:01

My gut instinct is that your SMIL is trying really hard in a naive kind of way. She may be getting it wrong but she does give up her time to look after your DD.

Can you not get on with her? Your daughter will pick up on your dislike of her.

breaktheroutine Thu 16-May-13 23:41:18

Do you're happy to use your SMIL for childcare despite not trusting her hmm

Tubemole1 Fri 17-May-13 06:19:52

SMIL loves dd, and won't let any harm come to her. Dd likes being at their house if Granddad's there. I am happy for her to look after dd, because apart from the lying she is safe.

mnistooaddictive Fri 17-May-13 06:34:18

So she is good enough to provide you with free childcare, but not good enough for you to accept her? I know this sounds harsh but it sounds like you are taking advantage of her good nature. Why don't you pay for your childcare and then you don't have to pretend to be polite.

Geordieminx Fri 17-May-13 06:41:10

"Still upset he went back on his word"

I find this ^ bizarre. I think most people when faced with the loss of a partner will say "there will never be anyone else"... It doesn't mean that there won't be.. Forever is a long time to be alone. And it certainly dies by mean that your dh should hold it against him because "he went back on his word"

LtEveDallas Fri 17-May-13 06:53:19

Your DD is 6. Give it a year and she will be lying with the best of them. In fact she probably already is, except you are taking her at her word. Why can't you do the same for your MIL?

If my DD said to an adult "No, that's not what happened, you are lying" I would tell her off for being rude. It's time you taught your daughter some social niceties OP.

You say your DH doesn't like his step mother, and you find her tiresome. Except DH likes her enough to let her look after his child, and you don't find her too 'tiresome' to do the same. Doesn't that make both of you liars, or at least two-faced.

Yes, your DD has been influenced by you and your DH. No, your DD hasn't 'judged' this for herself, she doesn't have the capability. YOU have made your DD 'lose trust' in her grandmother, the buck stops with you.

Either sort yourself out, or find paid childcare. Stop taking advantage of your PILs.

Gunznroses Fri 17-May-13 06:54:28

How hypocritical of you! So according to you, SMIL lies including her whole family, neither one of you really likes "we hold our tongues for FIL sake" but guess what ? She's good enough to use for childcare! As she just loves dd hmm

And her main crime is being married to your FIL who probably in a moment of grief said he would never marry again. You and your dh should be horribly ashamed of yourselves, its alright for you two to be happily married but you would condemn DF to a life of loneliness, to keep MIL memory alive? I'm sure her memory is still lives through her Family but you lot at the grand age of 30 are so selfish you can't see that.angrysad

AThingInYourLife Fri 17-May-13 06:56:58

How about you pay for your own childcare?

nurseneedshelp Fri 17-May-13 06:59:51

The poor lady! Sounds like she's just trying to be nice and fit in with the family but because the fil made a flippant comment about never meeting another woman it seems that you lot hold a grudge and have decided to dislike her from the beginning!

Fantaforever Fri 17-May-13 12:56:22

Your poor SMIL. What an awful family she's married into.

Kaluki Fri 17-May-13 13:03:22

You say "SMIL also tries to buy dd affection with expensive toys and clothes, which turns her temporarily into a brat, until we re-impress upon her our values" - maybe you need to rethink the values you are teaching your DD. Can't she learn to accept gifts without becoming a 'brat'?
Your DD will come across many different types of people in her life, and it is your job to teach her to be tolerant and well mannered. You aren't doing that. If either of my dc spoke to an adult in that way (especially one who has given up their time to care for them) I would be fuming.
She is obviously picking up on your distaste for this poor woman who is only trying her best to get on with her DH's family.
You have two choices - either accept SMILs help with good grace and teach your DD some manners or stop her caring for your DD and pay for a childminder.

PoppyAmex Fri 17-May-13 13:07:13

Gosh, you're not coming across as very nice and I feel sorry for both your step-MIL and your FIL.

As a side note, I wouldn't take kindly to my daughter calling an adult (or a child for that matter) "a liar". That's very rude.

givemeaclue Fri 17-May-13 13:14:16

How wonderful that fil has found someone he loves, so many widowers don't. He is very lucky and you should thankyourw lucky stars he has someone to grow old with, plus free childcare, loves your dd, generous etc

Your dd is picking up on your feelings about fil wife, how awful that you have soured this relationship. Who cares if she embroiders a few tales, to allow a child to call her a liar is disgusting. You are not managing this situation well

DontmindifIdo Fri 17-May-13 13:15:24

So you and your DH don't feel the need to be welcoming and treat your Step-MIL as being part of your family, except where it suits you to avoid having to pay out for childcare. Right, you know that makes your DH at best sound like a total wanker don't you? either he gets over the fact that his dad met someone else and fell in love (agree, at the point when your partner has just died you might not be able to envisage ever falling in love with someone else, but that doesn't mean yo'uve agreed to not do), or stops using her.

You don't trust her, you don't think she's a good influence, your DD doesn't like her, but hey, that's better than actually paying for childcare, right?

You sound like a really horrible couple from what you've said.

Eliza22 Fri 17-May-13 15:31:47

Oh FFS! Your husband's dad went against his word and found happiness (albeit quickly) with someone else? Good luck to the man. It must have been bloody hard when he had a young child, just to carry on, after such a tragedy.

You sound disdainful of this woman who despite our prejudices you kindly allow to care for your dd whilst you and DH work? Stop using this woman and allow her her time back, to spend with the husband who (presumably/hopefully) loves her. You, your DH and by association, your dd don't and she doesn't deserve that.

Shame on you. Think about what values your teaching your dd. "It's Ok to use even people you can barely tolerate, if its in your own interests". Nice.

VodkaJelly Fri 17-May-13 19:24:13

How would your SMIL feel if she found out how you and your husband really feel about her? Hurt? Devestated? Upset? Feeling used?

If you really do not like someone then you dont use them for free childcare, because that is what you are doing.

You also sound very unpleasant about her family, who I assume have done no harm to your and your family. It would be interesting to know what they think about you and your husband and I bet it isnt pleasant.

SMIL might just be one of lifes embellishers, not telling lies but dressing the story up to make it more exciting/interesting.

I really feel sorry for her sad

TheFallenNinja Fri 17-May-13 19:28:28

Sounds to me like the old lady's getting it dry. If I were her and I read this your free childcare would end.

Why oh why are all step anythings vilified? It's childish. He's a widower, he got remarried for his own reasons. Grow up.

clam Sat 18-May-13 12:30:00

You allow your dd to accuse her step-GM of lying?? shock

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Sat 18-May-13 12:45:37

God you and your husband sound utterly spoilt, Dh upset that his father has the nerve to marry again, to a woman who gives you fee children care, your dd at 6 finds the woman tiresome hmm. You sound charming.

VikingLady Sat 18-May-13 13:15:05

Dear god. My dad died a couple of years ago, and until earlier this year DM declared she would never marry again. She's now discussing marriage with a man who is very very different to Dad, and DP, DB, DSil and I are all delighted - it means she won't be lonely any more!

And I say that as a daddy's girl, btw. I don't especially like her new man (just not my type) but DM does, and I would never upset her by letting on!

Betternc4this Sat 18-May-13 13:45:09

I am gobsmacked tbh at your DHs attitude that his DF has 'gone back on his word' in finding happiness again and marrying your Smil.

What is he worried about , her getting his inheritance is the usual favourite behind these tales of 'awful' stepmothers.

If not then shouldn't he be happy for him, surely his late mother would have wanted him to be happy again and who on earth expects someone to stick to such a 'vow' made at a time of extreme grief.
People heal over time to an extent and those who care about them should be glad they do.

I think your attitude to this lady stinks. What exactly has she done here? Told a few fibs/given herself a bit of artistic licence to 'big up' tales of what she has done with your DD. Maybe the poor woman has picked up on your dislike and is just trying to impress you.
Or spent her money on your DD, bought her presents which again sounds like someone who desperately wants to be loved or at least liked by your DD.

As for your complete dismissal of all her relatives and loved ones as all liars and materialistic, what a nasty sweeping generalisation of this poor womans entire family.

Wow,you really do dislike her don't you? You have a few 'qualities' of your own you need to examine which are much more worrying examples to pass on to your DD than telling a few tall stories and being materialistic.

Cluffyflump Sat 18-May-13 13:50:54

Your dd is picking up that sgm is not liked by your DH and you.

You sound very hostile and not very nice.

You are using this woman as free child care and slagging her off behind her back.

Betternc4this Sat 18-May-13 13:56:04

I have just noticed this in the OPs second post 'Smil loves DD and wouldn't let any harm come to her'

Yet she still doesn't pass muster with you two.hmm sad

Aa a general rule anyone who genuinely loves and/or cares about my DC is ok with me.

Betternc4this Sat 18-May-13 13:57:03

'ok by me' - sorry.

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