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DSS & wedding

(23 Posts)
fairlytiredtonight Tue 14-May-13 22:07:20

I have been with my DP for nearly 20 years and we are getting married soon. It will be a small family affair and we decided quite recently after being engaged for a long time. My DP asked his DS (age 22) to be his best man and I asked our daughter to be my bridesmaid. Daughter very excited but I found out today that DSS is apparently less so.

He told DP today that he feels it would be wrong for him to be his best man and it would be disloyal to his mother. He says he has discussed it with his mother and she has no problem with it. Nobody in DP's family has asked him how he feels about it and it has dragged up a lot of pain for him about his father and mother splitting up. He lives with us and is unemployed and has never worked. He uses the house as a hotel and comes and go when he pleases. He ignores his half sis and openly tells his father he is jealous of her. I'm at the end of my tether and my DP is so sad after their conversation today. DSS is saying he may not attend the wedding at all. I really don't know what to do?

Kaluki Tue 14-May-13 22:23:50

Really? He's 22! Not a child.
Tell him you want him to be there but if he feels he can't then fair enough.
Don't let him ruin your day - he's had 20 years to get used to the idea - he's either attention seeking or just being a brat.
If he is that bothered about your relationship why has he been happy to -- take-- the piss live in your house all this time?!

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 14-May-13 23:29:05

STBDH (see what I did there? wink) Should tell him 'That's okay, I want a Best Man, not a Best Brat

UC Wed 15-May-13 08:29:05

If you've been with DP for 20 years, and DSS is 22, then you've been around since he was 2. Almost his entire life. It's not as though his parents split in his teens and then you came along. Not sure what he's trying to do, but he's trying to manipulate the situation in some way to get something he wants.

You can't make an adult - which is what he is - attend the wedding or be pleased about the wedding. It shouldn't be a surprise to him if you've been engaged for a long time! However, you can control your reactions to it. Don't let DSS see how you feel, and tell DP not to either. Just say "what a shame, we will miss you, but it's up to you" and leave it at that.

Congratulations btw!

fairlytiredtonight Wed 15-May-13 09:06:49

Thanks everyone. What's upsetting about all this is that he is once again making everything about him. I really want to tell him that the world does not revolve around him. STBDH (like that!) is a major sufferer from Guilty Dad Syndrome but tbf has always been more than present in his life (and sometimes to the detriment of me and our DD). I just know it will put a black cloud over the day and am just sad it has to be this way.

SoupDragon Wed 15-May-13 09:09:15

Just don't make a fuss about it. Say "OK. That's a shame but we respect your wishes" and then ignore him.

NotaDisneyMum Wed 15-May-13 09:57:26

it has dragged up a lot of pain for him about his father and mother splitting up

He was 2 year old. Unless he was subject to significant trauma at the time, he's lived his life knowing no different.
His 'pain' is a direct consequence of your STBDH 'guilty daddy' behavior.

DearPrudence Wed 15-May-13 10:09:08

He's been asked to be best man. If he doesn't want to, that's his choice, whatever his reasons. He isn't obliged to be happy/excited about the wedding either. It would be nice if he was, but it's OK for him not to be.

Agree with others that if he threatens not to come, you just say 'oh, that's sad, hope you change your mind' then leave him to it.

The living arrangements and the way he treats others in your family is not his choice, however. I'd focus on getting this sorted.

purpleroses Wed 15-May-13 10:27:12

It's only going to be all about him if you let it. He doesn't have to be best man - maybe he doesn't feel comfortable doing so. So respect that and let him get as involved as he wants to be. Then get on and enjoy your big day.

ALittleBitOfMagic Wed 15-May-13 10:36:17

Agree with pps do not make a big deal of this DO NOT try to persuade him ! Have STBDH (wink) have a chat with him and say blah blah I would have loved to have you up there with me your my son blah blah but I if your hearts not in it then I will ask someone who will be honoured to be up there with me blah blah then do not mention it again

IMO he is trying to make it all about him and if it's constantly topic of conversation then he succeeds . Don't let him .

And congratulations I hope you have a lovely wedding !! smile

msrisotto Wed 15-May-13 10:41:06

Yeah, don't let this become all about him. Love the responses others have given. He's being such a crat. He was 2 or younger when his parents split.

msrisotto Wed 15-May-13 10:41:14


UC Wed 15-May-13 11:54:01

Fairly, you said you don't want this to revolve around him. Don't let it. Don't even enter into conversations about it, just say ok fine and let him get on with it.

Agree with DearPrudence - he isn't treating your home and family as he should, and I think this is a much bigger issue.

Also agree with NADM - DSS' "pain" is directly linked to STBDH's "guilt". STBDH needs to see this, and get over his "guilt"!

catsmother Wed 15-May-13 11:57:49

Totally agree with everyone else who's said his reaction to this should more or less be ignored with a "that's a shame" but no more. He may still be a young adult but an adult he is all the same and should be capable of showing some tact and sensitivity about the news even if he doesn't want to be best man or isn't over the moon about it. For example, he could have declined the request with a "sorry, but I wouldn't feel comfortable being in the limelight, making speeches etc." and NOT with a moan about his "pain". Why on earth should anyone in DP's family have asked him how he feels about it at the end of the day ?!? ..... technically, when it comes down to it, it's none of his business and what the heck was he expecting ? .... that he was asked before you made firm arrangements, and if he objected, you'd call a halt to the plans ? The mind boggles.

Anyway - ignore. His comments were mean spirited and bloody rude. If he doesn't get the attention he obviously feels he's due, maybe, just maybe he might reflect on why that is and perhaps consider how hurtful he's been to his dad (in particular).

And at 22, if he's unemployed, he certainly shouldn't be using your home like a hotel (shouldn't be even if he was employed) but as he is out of work, he should show some consideration for the fact you're presumably keeping him and "pay" his way, in kind, with a) a decent contribution to the practical side of running a home when he's not jon hunting - housework, gardening, cooking and so on and b) with some basic respect. Manners cost nothing.

catsmother Wed 15-May-13 11:58:54

job hunting

wheredidiputit Wed 15-May-13 12:22:13

If he feels that disloyal to his mum suggest he go and live treat his mums home as a hotel.

I doubt he can even remember how he felt at 2 when parents separated/divorced.

He 22 he needs to start paying his way and not expecting his dad to.

Fantaforever Wed 15-May-13 12:34:18

Completely agree with all of the above. Just say that you're sorry he feels that way, you would of loved for him to be there and you will miss him but you respect his wishes. I would expect this from some 12 year olds but 22 years old?? It's pathetic!

TigerSwallowTail Wed 15-May-13 12:53:29

Oh fgs he is 22 years old, an adult, his parents split up when he was practically still a baby, his mother has no issues with him being best man and you've been together for 2 decades. Don't listen to his tantrum, if he suddenly has a problem with you he can move out, and ignoring his sister because he's jealous of her is completely pathetic, he's a grown man!

My son was 2 when me and his dad split up and he was far from traumatised by it, he doesn't even remember me and his dad being together. I told him one day we all used to live together and he was genuinely shocked, he thought we'd just always been separated and had never realised we were ever a couple. Your step son is being an arse, don't let him ruin your big day.

Celticcat Wed 15-May-13 14:52:03

Congrats OP, you're the bride, make this about YOU!
Dh and I got married after a year of meeting (probably too soon), but ds was absolutely fine with wedding, carried the rings.
Dh kids did not come to wedding, dsd came a day later and was physically ill all day, may have been a bug...hmm
Neither dsc congratulated us, took mothers rather bitter stand and tried to make us feel bad by not engaging. Ignored the lot from start to finish, had a lovely small wedding and reception, great memories which made up for a lot of hassle which followed

WakeyCakey Wed 15-May-13 15:07:32

Totally agree with everyone else, ignore him and get on with your wedding.
This is YOUR day...congratulations!! smile
I also agree that if it is so disloyal to his mother then he should go and live there.
I would tell STBDH (love it) that some rules need to be put in place for DSS to live there, such as finding a job, contributing financially and physically to the home, don't let him walk all over you and then act all 'woe be me'
20 years is a long time, out of interest, how long we're STBDH and DSS mum together?

fairlytiredtonight Wed 15-May-13 20:09:37

I agree with you all in that I need to focus on the wedding and not allow this to put a cloud over it. It's so difficult when he's living here as I am so angry at the moment I can't even look at him. Unfortunately it's not possible for him to go back to his mother's as she has now moved to another country so I guess we're stuck with him at the moment. Wakey in answer to your question they were married for seven years.

It's good advice to stop letting him see he's upset us though. If he doesn't want to be part of it, then that is his decision. All the other stuff with him living here and being mean to his sis will have to be dealt with in time ...!

Snazzynewyear Wed 15-May-13 20:27:20

Good for you OP. I agree with the others - he is probably hoping to be begged to change his mind, and to see you and your STBDH moping around, so don't pander to him.

Is the wedding very far in the future? If not, I would be tempted to try and leave him alone as much as you can till then, and then afterwards tackle the 'treating the place like a hotel' problem.

fairlytiredtonight Thu 16-May-13 19:48:22

Seven weeks Snazzy (yikes!). Am doing my utmost at the moment to be civil and upbeat and not let him see how much he's annoyed me and upset his Dad.

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