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Children used as pawns...

(34 Posts)
notafraid Tue 30-Apr-13 17:25:46

Does anyone have any advice for me? My stepdaughter is 3 and she frequently tells me that "My mummy doesn't like you".I just say oh, that's ok I don't mind or something like that but it upsets me that this child is being used as a pawn in her mother's petty fight. I've never met her mother. When does this cross the line into child abuse?

Stepmooster Fri 03-May-13 03:49:17

Hi NADM, my comment was in relation to Theydeserve who asked about whether she should lie to her DC's who are being told one thing or another from the OW/aunty. I don't mean to insult OP and call her OW.

And I agree if you are not the OW or OM then being nasty and manipulative about them to the children is damaging and IMO completely unjustified.

It is the kids that suffer that's why I told DH to pack it in. All parents should put their differences to one side for sake of kids, but when the ex is dealing with OM/OW as a step parent I can sympathise not everyone is going to get to that point straight away.

I know step parents need to grow thick skins to put up with some of the comments we get from ex partners, but it can get to us sometimes. Plus we get to see the damage it causes the children first hand. I can't be the first SM whose laid awake at night thinking how they wished things were better for their step children but being in the awful position of not being able to do anything at all except watch as a bystander.

notafraid Fri 03-May-13 13:12:05

Thank you all for contributing. It's sad to see that this is so common. I am in no doubt that the child's mother is doing this specifically and deliberately to the child. The child has stated that "Mummy says so" and her older brother (7) has said that his mummy says I call her names and offered an example that has never crossed my lips. My partner has sent a solicitors letter on several occasions to raise his concerns about her behaviour which includes refusing to speak to her children when they are on holiday with us which results in tears at bedtime. We both feel so helpless and don't know what to do next to prevent these children being upset further.

notafraid Fri 03-May-13 13:18:33

Just for clarification, my partner's ex had an affair and left him for another man. So I'm not the person who broke up her marriage.

And by the way, as I'm quite new please could someone point me to a glossary of meanings for OW, OP, OW, OM, SM, DC, DH.

Thanks smile

purpleroses Fri 03-May-13 13:22:01

Here you are:

WMDinthekitchen Fri 03-May-13 13:28:31

Grit your teeth and say, 'I bet your Mum is lovely ' (has to be done without a trace of irony in your voice). Or, do not respond directly to that remark, but say, 'But I like you a lot.' Her Mum is probably trying to provoke you - don't give her any ammo. It's hard, though.

notafraid Fri 03-May-13 13:55:07

Thank you very much purpleroses

Theydeserve Fri 03-May-13 14:17:45

I agree the DCs are in an impossible situation and so is the person being slagged off.

That was my question - shall In tell a 6 yr old the truth or lie to make life easier for them. Something I tell them not to do and if someone is upsets them to tell the other person.

fllowtheyellowbrickroad Mon 06-May-13 08:34:41

Refuses to speak to the children when in holiday with you!?!! That's appalling! It's a direct message to them that they shouldn't go. You couldn't make this stuff up could you. How selfish some people are

Stepmooster Mon 06-May-13 10:04:44

Hi Notafraid you and I are in a similar boat. My DH ex also left him for another man. For the life of me I can't work out why she can't be happy that DH is happy in a new relationship? Unless she is having major regrets and realising the grass isn't greener and she now has to share her children with someone else?? Who knows?

Theydeserve - DSS was a lot happier with the whole situation of his parents split etc once DH got his head around it all and stops asking/talking about OM/SF. He will never like him but if his name is mentioned by DSS DH has learnt to be polite. You have to try your best and hide it. Easier said than done.

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