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DSD increasingly doesn't want to be at her mum's.

(11 Posts)
AnonAndOnAndOn Mon 29-Apr-13 16:14:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumandboys123 Mon 29-Apr-13 17:45:27

you should reassure her that her mum does indeed care about her and make sure you say that every single time that she suggests otherwise. If she then asks questions about why she doesn't see her as much, you simply say that at the moment, her mum seems to be very busy, again reassuring that mum loves her and that she is equally loved in your home. She should be encouraged to continue to spend time with her mum and not allowed to start missing time with mum of her own accord. This will further open up a gap and you should be doing everything you can to close it - let mum dig her own grave, don't play along with it. There is every point in her spending a night with mum, even if she is coming back to yours the next day.

Twitterqueen Mon 29-Apr-13 17:53:14

Sorry Mumandboys123 I don't agree with you.

Children aren't stupid - and this child obviously knows she's not especially welcome.

I do agree that of course she should be told how much her mum loves her whenever possible, but a relationship where both are happy to see each other - albeit for perhaps a shorter time span - is far better than one where DSD doesn't want to go, and Mum doesn't want her there.

OP - could you maybe say something to DP's ex along the lines of "We can see you're a bit busy just now - would it help if we had DSD for a bit extra, just for a while? And we can go back to normal when you're ready?"

Would that perhaps make ex more amenable to having DSD and leave the way open for renegotiation later?

NotaDisneyMum Mon 29-Apr-13 17:59:43

I think your DP needs to make the school aware of what's going on in this little girls life, if they are not already aware, and ensure that she is given the support she needs to maintain a positive relationship with her Mum.

A lot of schools have family support workers attached, who can give your DP a listening ear and support - and they can recommend suitable therapies and support which the school can buy in, or suggest services that your family Dr can refer your DSD to in order to help her deal with this.

Its very unusual for a DC to be so openly negative about a parent - even when subject to quite severe emotional/physical abuse, DC's vehemently defend their parent rather than criticise - regardless of how her Mum behaves towards her, why on earth would she think that her Mum doesn't care about her?

In her mind, Mummies love their DC's - so it would be more usual for her to begin to form the opinion that being loved by Mummy includes the neglect that is going on, rather than the opinion that Mummy doesn't care.

Is it possible that she has overheard someone saying that "her Mum doesn't care" and she is repeating it to you and her Dad to gauge your reaction?

AnonAndOnAndOn Mon 29-Apr-13 18:29:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WakeyCakey Mon 29-Apr-13 18:42:09

I think it might be handy to make note for a little while about how often DSD is with you. Write it in a diary so you can see exactly how much you have her.

Then maybe either suggest the couple of extra nights or maybe even look into mediation where you can show exactly how much you have her.

AnonAndOnAndOn Mon 29-Apr-13 18:58:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 29-Apr-13 20:25:47

I've mediated about half a dozen times with my ex; it's fine!

yes, it is 'serious' but this is a little girls childhood we are talking about - why wouldn't your DP try everything he can to make it easier for her?

mumandboys123 Mon 29-Apr-13 20:56:43

so, Twitterqueen...what's the alternative? shoe on the other foot and daughter no longer wants to go to dad's 'cos dad is with the girlfriend all the time and doesn't seem to want her there..says as much to mum. What would happen if the girlfriend came on here and said mum was encouraging daughter not to spend time with them?

My ex is an idiot. He cares, in my opinion, very little for what our children need from a parent. But I would never suggest to the children that he was wrong or not putting them first (even when he clearly isn't). That doesn't mean they shouldn't be pushed into spending time with him as he's not abusive in anyway, just not good at working out what matters most. They need him in their lives and need to know him, warts and all. They are, as yet, too young to be allowed to make their own decisions about who they spend time with.

Hareseeker Mon 29-Apr-13 21:43:10

Mediation is always an option to support open and honest communication, be aware though that people walk away from mediation for many reasons including when being faced with things they don't want to hear.

What is the worst that could happen, for your DSD and your DP if this situation continues? I believe having a 5 year old DD that they need to be listened to, because the issues can be either easily sorted by listening and supporting or turn out to require further action including the support of professionals to support everyone to focus on the needs of the child.
I'm sorry you are going through this, you sound a very supportive and flexible SM or what ever your DSD calls you.

ElenorRigby Tue 30-Apr-13 18:38:25

We have been through similar and with hindsight I would recommend you:

Record how many days DSD is staying and evidence of DSD's distress.
Record (via all media possible) for a minimum of six months.

Then make an application for residency. Six months of a status quo (where DSD is with her Dad) will hold weight in court.

Leopards really do not change their spots. Your DSD's mother has emotionally abandoned your DSD whilst prioritising her social life/bloke instead. angry

Actions speak more than words!

DSD needs help, from the caring adults that really do love her.

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