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Thoughts on this access schedule?

(12 Posts)
nicknamegame Sun 28-Apr-13 10:20:34

Hi, thought I'd post here for some perspective, regular, have name changed. Will prob post in legal too as I'm so stressed at the moment:-/
Ex took me to court a few months ago to change the way he sees our dd. At the moment, we split all her free time down the middle, so we have a full weekend each, and split the other two, so he picks her up sat and brings her back Sunday. He also has a wed overnight.

He originally wrote on court application that he wanted all four weekends fri -mon, then changed it at the first hearing to say he wanted 2 weekends on and one weekend off, so basically 3 weekends out of 4. He no longer wants to do the mid week visit as he says the travelling is too much (14 miles each way) and its expensive etc. I wouldn't agree to this so we were referred to mediation and although this eventually failed, he changed his mind AGAIN during that, to say he now wanted us to both carry on having a full weekend each, but on the other two weekends, he wants her from sat 5pm until Monday school. He still no longer wants to do the Wednesday, except for the week that he wouldn't see her. So this effectively looks like this:
Week 1: sat-monday
Week 2: Wednesday only
Week 3: sat Monday
Week 4: fri - Monday

Apparantly all of this is so he can see dd for longer periods of time, and give her more 'stability' but there is nothing in the routine above that that I feel is about 'routine' and all it smacks of is him needing to change it completely for his own reasons. When he made the above proposal I was initially happier because I thought it was more reasonable that 3 weekends out of 4, however, once I actually analysed his proposal, I cannot see how it's for dd's benefit.
Dd is happy as she is at the moment, but in order to make his case, her dad said some very hurtful things at the first hearing about how I care for her and how she doesn't know if she's coming or going. He has also asked for shared residency.

We are back in court in a few days, I do not know if he intends to make the above proposal again, or stick to his original one of 3 weekends in four. Either way I feel as though I am at the mercy of his whims and feel that he might get what he is asking for ( whatever that might be).

Can any of you tell me what your thoughts are on this schedule? It will mean a change in working hours for me, and an increase in childcare costs, which I know aren't really relevant factors in the proceedings but he has also cut his maintanence in half since he started litigation and so these issues will have an impact on our family as a whole.

glasscompletelybroken Sun 28-Apr-13 12:31:05

I think every situation is different but I do think that it's unfair if weekends aren't split equally (unless there are good reasons and everyone is happy with it). Weekends are for quality family time - it's not really nice for you if you have all the stress of school days and he has all the fun of weekends.

Your childcare arrangements are relevant if your dd ends up spending a lot of the week days she is with you in childcare and then most of the weekends with her dad. When does she get time with you?

Also, as your dd gets older she won't want to spend 3 out of every 4 weekends at her dads when all her school friends are near her mums.

If you have a 50/50 split then I would think it better to base it on alternate weekends and then splitting the weekdays inbetween. My DH used to have every Mon & Tues and also every other Fri, sat & sun. So 2 days one week and 5 the next. His exW changed it so now we have most of every weekend and that is much more difficult all round.

nicknamegame Sun 28-Apr-13 13:36:45

Sorry by shared residency I mean he wants the title, not a 50-50 split

Fleecyslippers Sun 28-Apr-13 14:14:02

Op maybe post this in lone parents as well - there are lots of RPs dealing with the constantly changing demands of NRPS over there smile

nicknamegame Sun 28-Apr-13 14:25:00

Thanks both

NotaDisneyMum Mon 29-Apr-13 12:18:53

Hey nickname - can't believe this is still rumbling on; poor you sad

What has your DD's Dad said about the issue of travelling costs/time at weekends when your DD wants to go to school-friends parties, take part in local events etc ?
Surely if the cost/time of travel is a prohibiting factor, then what he is proposing excludes her from spending much weekend time involved in social activities with the friends she spends her weekdays with? It could create a situation in which she lives two different lives, with different friends; one living with you, and another with her Dad. What is the proposal for school holidays?

It seems very unfair on your DD; while time with her Dad is important it shouldn't be at the expense of her social life and ideally, she would be able to take part in those activities with both parents?

UC Mon 29-Apr-13 13:36:59

Nickname, have you put together a proposal as to what you would like, rather than having to keep responding to your ex's proposals?

What would YOU like?

How old is DD?

nicknamegame Mon 29-Apr-13 15:51:19


I've suggested every other weekend fri-mon and half holidays

nicknamegame Mon 29-Apr-13 15:51:39

Sorry she's 6

UC Mon 29-Apr-13 16:28:24

I think it's good you've suggested something else. It does sound eminently reasonable, your suggestion. I don't have any experience of the courts, but surely they would go for a routine that allowed DD free time (meaning time when she isn't at school i.e. weekends and holidays) at both her mum and dad's, rather than almost all free time at her dad's? Have you had any legal advice?

nicknamegame Mon 29-Apr-13 17:36:15

Yeah I'm being represented. Sol thinks there's always a chance he could be awarded what he asks for. We have now been listed for a final hearing, so nervoussad

nicknamegame Mon 29-Apr-13 18:35:14

Should add UC, that the reason he wants more of the weekends is because he says he can't manage the mid week visits any more and wants a longer stretch of uninterrupted time. Strangely though, he's rejected every other weekend fri-mon? And says that the reason he can't sustain the mid week is my fault as I moved away (9 miles from where I lived before, but 14 from him). He says I put the distance between him and dd and so that needs to be made up at weekends. I moved 3 years ago by the way, when she was still only 2:-/

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