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Not the end of the world - but DH isn't very brave!!

(19 Posts)
Petal02 Fri 19-Apr-13 14:44:49

The time has come for DSS18 to be given a key to our house, I was uneasy about this, but DH and I tried to compromise and have come up with some sensible ?conditions.?

DH suggested that he gives him the key tonight, and that I?m the one to explain the conditions. I asked DH why he couldn?t do this, but DH looked at me in horror, and said that the conditions need to come from me. This irritates me slightly, it just proves that DH won?t tackle any of the less savoury elements of parenting, just in case this threatens his status as ?preferred parent.?

So rather than let DH wriggle out of it all together, I plan to speak to DSS when all three of us are round the dinner table tonight. This lessens the chance of things getting lost in translation between all of us, and of DH doing a u-turn pretending to misunderstand what we?d agreed.

We?ve agreed that if DSS wants to call round, he just gives us a call first, rather than just arriving. And also that he needs to follow our usual ?going out? routine, ie making sure pets are in the right place, setting the alarm, closing the front door and then locking it. He can?t usually manage all four steps in the right order, so DH has prepared a check-list with pictures on.

We also plan to take his key off him when we go on holiday; I?d never be able to relax on a beach, whilst wondering if DSS has left the bath taps running or the hob still lit.

And I shall tell DSS18 exactly what my mother told me: a key is a privilege, not a birth right !!!!

dignifiedsilence Fri 19-Apr-13 15:15:51

Yep sounds fair to me. You are helping him to follow the rules too so thats a good thing. I also think that taking the keys off him is an excellent idea. Don't think you have much to worry about smile

dignifiedsilence Fri 19-Apr-13 15:19:46

Taking the keys off him whilst you are on holiday is an excellent idea that meant smile

Kaluki Fri 19-Apr-13 15:33:39

It's all sensible but why do you have to be bad cop?
DP tries to do this - he hates doing or saying anything they won't like!

Petal02 Fri 19-Apr-13 15:39:00

Kaluki, it's just in case DSS objects to the conditions - DH can turn round and say "sorry, but it was Petal's idea" and therefore remain 100% perfect dad in DSS's eyes!

sanityseeker75 Fri 19-Apr-13 15:47:44

Sounds like a great compromise and of course you can say your dad has put a checklist together....making sure your DH is firmly in the frame not just an innocent bystander grin

NotaDisneyMum Fri 19-Apr-13 16:20:11

I wouldn't do it. Actually, I would, but I'd be upfront about the fact that they are your conditions, that his Dad asked you to explain them and therefore if your DSS doesn't respect them then it is you who he will be accountable to.

There's no point in presenting it as a joint position if you know your DH doesn't buy into it - embrace the role of bad-cop and ensure that both of them understand your position with regard to this.
If (when) DSS fails to respect your wishes, you are then in a position to highlight that as they are your rules, you get to decide the consequence.

purpleroses Fri 19-Apr-13 16:21:09

All sounds fair enough, though if I was your DSS I might be a little put out by the suggestion that I need to actually hand my key over when you're away, as opposed to agree not to come round when you're out. It does kind of suggest you don't trust him not to come round without letting you know first, which is fair enough if you've got reason not to trust him, but might possibly rub him up the wrong way if he feels he is trustworthy.

Just a thought - maybe he'll be fine about it. Just remember from my teens if I felt I wasn't being trusted, it always made me actually much more inclined not to behave in a trustworthy way.

Petal02 Fri 19-Apr-13 16:28:25

Rather than "take the key off him" before holidays, we're going to (at DH's request) pretend that a neighbour needs the key to water the plants etc, and that we need DSS's key for this. So he won't feel slighted, and we still get peace of mind on holiday.

I'm going to ensure I present the conditions as a joint initiative between DH and I, am not prepared to look like the kill joy here, simply to shield DH from normal parenting duties.

Dadthelion Fri 19-Apr-13 16:32:50

I do think your DH needs to man up.

'Here's your key we should have given it you years ago, come whenever you want, and you can stay here when we're away'

Petal02 Fri 19-Apr-13 16:37:26

If that were the case we'd never dare go on holiday. DSS18 is very immature for his age and doesn't cope well with simple tasks. Even DH isn't too keen on giving him a key, but feels that he should.

olibeansmummy Fri 19-Apr-13 17:00:26

I think if you're doing the explaining you get to hand over the key. So you get to be the nice one as well as the rule maker. Tell your dh it's all or nothing...

allnewtaketwo Fri 19-Apr-13 18:23:38

I personally avoid doing any of the telling of rules. It's DH's job and I prefer not to get involved. Also I wouldn't want DH to later accuse ME of giving out the rules. If he at least tells the boys himself then he can't say he didn't buy into it at a later date.

Although I can see what NADM is saying, in that if its clear its your rule, then you get to decide the consequences. But only if you know DH will back you up in this as or when it happens.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Galangal Fri 19-Apr-13 19:27:59

I wouldn't say he's not brave, I'd say he's taking the mickey. If he agrees what the rules and boundaries are then there is no reason why he can't be the one to deliver them. I think it's really unfair to put you in the position of being the bad guy. It would be very easy for him, your dss and his mum to all blame you for any issues if he is given the impression that they are your rules.

I don't think that's fair on you or very supportive or respectful. I don't blame you for doing it when all three if you are together. Hope it goes well.

Petal02 Fri 19-Apr-13 19:35:53

He's just your typical Disney Dad. Dinner's nearly ready, I'll let you know how it goes.

grapelovingweirdo Sat 20-Apr-13 08:00:27

What happened last night? I hope it went well for you smile

Petal02 Sat 20-Apr-13 12:16:48

It actually went quite well - I approached the subject in an upbeat way, and said that now he's got a key there are also a few responsibilities. DH made encouraging noises and DSS was quite happy with what I'd proposed.

DH and I are both very keen that the burglar alarm is always set correctly; we've had prowlers in the past. And talk about interesting timing: our next door neighbour came round this morning and told DH that he'd heard a noise at 4am and seen a man in their back garden ( again). Which has made DH even more keen on home security, so I think he'll be quite strict with DSS about alarms/locking up. So whilst it shouldn't take a prowler to ensure that DSS behaves responsibly, it might work in my favour on this occasion.

allnewtaketwo Sat 20-Apr-13 12:58:51

That's good news Petal

purpleroses Sat 20-Apr-13 16:53:00

All sounds good. Great idea about the neighbour needing the key wink

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