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(15 Posts)
littlejosh Tue 16-Apr-13 16:28:22

Just wondering how others have dealt with this.

I’m pregnant with second baby (5 months), due to my age we’ve been quite quiet about it.
When we passed the first three months we told DSC (17 and 21) face to face…but we didn’t make a point of telling DH exs as we didn’t feel it directly affected them and that DSC would let them know. (DHs contact is directly with his children, meeting up, going out etc.)
When we we’re pregnant with first, I think we told children first and then let mum's know afterwards.
I just wondered though how others dealt with this (bearing in minds DSC’s ages)…

Should add we have a DC (5) whose super excited about the baby!

brdgrl Tue 16-Apr-13 16:51:41

Just want to say congratulations! (sorry, no experience or advice with telling the ex)

dignifiedsilence Tue 16-Apr-13 17:01:41

I think that that is the right way to go about things. Although I am respectful that we are all different I don't understand why some people would tell DSC's mum first as IMHO this doesn't affect them personally. If it were me we would tell DSC together and then tell mum what we had told her considering she is only little. Your SKIDS are almost grown so I think you have done things the right way.

mumandboys123 Tue 16-Apr-13 18:31:06

I think it depends on the age of the children, dignified. Older children such as the OP describes are able to discuss with their mum (and anyone else) and express their feelings about the issue (good and bad). Younger children can be very much affected but not have the vocabulary and life experience to be able to deal with such things - and it is very few children who won't have a wobble at the thought of dad having a new baby with his new partner. In this way, it does affect mum and out of respect for what she may have to deal with in her home, it is polite to let her know and obviously try and be open about any wobbles, difficult questions, that the children are appropriately supported.

littlejosh Wed 17-Apr-13 10:23:50

Thank you for the advice and congratulations!

Relieved to hear, others feel our approach is ok...

StrugglingStepMum Wed 17-Apr-13 19:43:35

Congratulations! With dsc under the age of 16ish I'd probably tell their Mum first but with your dsc it's find for them to tell their Mum.

purpleroses Wed 17-Apr-13 22:09:58

My ex told me direct when he was expecting. I'd have been a bit put out to hear it via my DCs, but they're a long younger that your DSC - with the ages yours are I'd have thought it fine to let her hear via the DCs. It's not exactly a life-changing event (from the ex's point of view) when you have a DC already.

WeAreNinjaNotGeisha Thu 18-Apr-13 02:27:45

We let DSS (then 8) tell his bio mum - after all, it was his news to share that he was going to be a big brother.

breaktheroutine Thu 18-Apr-13 06:10:34


They're not children, though, are they. They're 17 and 21, young adults. Not anything to do with their mother (like most of what goes on in their lives at this age, I suspect!)

Xalla Thu 18-Apr-13 06:33:22

When my stepdaughter was 2 and we were expecting our first, my DH told his ex first. When she was 4 and we were expecting our second, we told her while she was with us and then DH told his ex by telephone right after. We're pregnant again now with our third. DSD is now 7 and we'll tell her ourselves at the same time as the other two kids and let her tell her Mum herself.

Her Mum is also pregnant at the moment. She told DSD herself and left DSD to tell DH.

None of the above has ever caused any tension between DH and ex. As others have said, your SC aren't children. I don't think you need to pre-warn Mum at all.


dignifiedsilence Thu 18-Apr-13 08:26:29

What Xalla said!! Totally agree and I am so glad it worked out for you.This is exactly what I would do

allfornothing Thu 18-Apr-13 13:25:50

I struggle to understand the contradictory nature of some opinions on here at times. On one hand we hear that children in blended families are entitled to normal family life/have two homes etc, and on another hand hear that children spending more time with parents is more important than attending parties. I just don't see that in any in family set up (whether together, blended or whatever) that it is considered best for the child to spend every minute with parents having quality time, than being with friends from time to time. If the family is a family, then surely this involves helping the child fulfil their social needs, as well as you would say, physical or educational needs?

allnewtaketwo Thu 18-Apr-13 13:34:29

allfornothing I think you posted on the wrong thread grin

Fairy130389 Thu 18-Apr-13 18:32:06

I am currently 32 weeks :D - we told DSD (8) but made sure we had told BM before DSD saw her - I didn't want her to find out through DSD as I wasn't sure how she would feel about it and wanted to give her time to measure her reaction. I just think it is a respect thing and would expect the same.

Having said that I think it definitely depends on the age of the children and the nature of the relationship - I think you handled this absolutely fine, there isn't really a right or wrong to be honest, it's a completely personal thing.

If it helps though DSD's mum did kick off and said we were 'deliberately rubbing it in' by telling her specifically... so perhaps my approach wasn't quite right! ;)

dignifiedsilence Fri 19-Apr-13 12:56:33

Maybe that is the answer then Fairy? We are all different so we should deal with it as we see fit for all involved? Seems like you can't win no matter what you do sometimes sad

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