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Yes I may of been wrong but really...........

(135 Posts)
sanityseeker75 Mon 08-Apr-13 11:13:42

I know that I may well get flamed on here today but just feel fed up and hurt and figured I would share.

We have DSC EW and EW on a Sunday I cook a full roast dinner, do all the ironing, make sure homework and showers are done before the DSC go home so they are ready for school and Mom doesn't have a stress on a Sunday night.

DH can not cook - and I mean really not even beans on toast(he is very good at housework though so I generally live with it).

This weekend I have felt really poorly. DS was still asleep at 11.00 so when DSS came downstairs to ask for something to eat I told him to just grab himself something from cupboard. He did - crisps.

DH was having to go out in afternoon so I decided there was no point cooking roast and kids are off school for easter holidays so I did them Ham Sandwichs on crusty bread and yes - they had another packet of crisps late in the afternoon. Had showers etc and them I dropped them home.

When DH got back he had had several text messages of ex slating me for not providing them with a roast dinner and saying as I have a son I should know that crisps are not acceptable and what was I doing letting them have nothing but crisps for breakfast and dinner.

Now I fully accept that crisps are not really the best option, I suppose because I cook during the week and generally do well balanced meals on the whole I thought it wouldn't kill them this once - I also know that mom does them smiley faces and waffles etc so that is not exactly full of nutrition food either so I feel harshly judged on 1 incident of poor judgement in the last 5 years or so.

Now I have put my foot down - admittedly because I felt so crap, so I spat my dummy and said that going forward so that everyone knows where they stand, I am no longer making sure they are showered before they go home and will not cook a roast dinner - they will have a lunch at 2-3 (cold sandwhich/snack) and she can cook them a roast for when they get home every week instead!

See how she copes with doing a roast and getting them ready for school every flipping weekend.

flurp Mon 08-Apr-13 15:08:18

I'm not saying that NADM - the OPs ex is totally unreasonable and I wouldn't pander to her at all.
I just think that at 9 and 13 they should be able to feed themselves a basic meal and yes their mum should have taught them but if she hasn't then it would make OPs life easier if she taught them to be more independent.
Sometimes I do a roast on a Sunday, sometimes I can't be arsed don't but DP or I always let the ex know so she knows if she has to cook for them. Ad if she ever told me to cook a roast dinner she would find herself wearing it!!!!

Petal02 Mon 08-Apr-13 15:25:39

This links in very neatly to the thread currently running "if you knew what you know now, would you have got involved with someone with kids" ......

OP - ignore the ex !!!!

mumandboys123 Mon 08-Apr-13 16:42:38

I missed the bit where the OP said that the children's mother was explicitly informed that the weekend had been difficult for one reason or another and that the children had eaten, but not their usual roast....assuming no one told mum - and the only info she had was from the children who were no doubt excited about getting 2 packets of crisps in a short period of time - then it's really not unreasonable to be a bit annoyed...of course, she could have handled it better... but by the sounds of it, so could the OP who has effectively spat her dummy out over one incident in at least 5 years?!

OP - ignore her! It's not your fault you didn't feel well. You did what you could and the children had food and more than likely, won't be keeling over and dropping dead of starvation any time soon. Don't let it bother you.

Petal02 Mon 08-Apr-13 16:55:39

The OP has effectively spat her dummy out over one incident in 5 years

That’s a bit unfair. Maybe I’ve interpreted this incorrectly, but it sounds like you’re saying that the OP shouldn’t react to the ex’s bizarre behaviour? The ex is completely in the wrong here, I’m not surprised the OP got upset.

millie30 Mon 08-Apr-13 17:06:55

Mumsandboys, why does anything have to be explicitly explained to the ex? According to the OP the mother wants the children gone every weekend even if they end up in the sole care of the OP so she can't have it both ways. She needs to relinquish control and let them get on with it. They had ham sandwiches for dinner, it's hardly something that requires explanation.

allnewtaketwo Mon 08-Apr-13 17:07:47

"the OP who has effectively spat her dummy out over one incident in at least 5 years?!"

Ermm - because it's the first time in 5 years that the OP has disobeyed the request for a roast dinner. So 100% track record of ex getting annoyed the minute the OP doesn't feed the children what has been requested

NotaDisneyMum Mon 08-Apr-13 17:36:50

mumandboys You really think that the OP is the most unreasonable party of the two?

That her DSC mum "could have handled it better" than making direct contact with the OP to criticise the care the OP has given to her DCs, but that the OP has 'spat out her dummy' by saying that if that's how their Mum is going to behave, then she'd rather not take responsibility for that aspect of their care?

If that is your genuine belief, and you conduct yourself in that way then it's no wonder that most SM have said that if they'd known about the ex, they would never have got involved. Nowhere else in society would that be considered acceptable. Identical situations elsewhere on MN involving DCs being cared for by aunts, grandparents, family friends are unanimous in their support of the OP. Social norms are suspended for SM, though aren't they?

Pinkshaman Mon 08-Apr-13 17:44:02

What about the Dad who refuses to cook and doesn't look after his own children when his partner is ill? If he had done that then there wouldn't have been upset between the mum and stepmum.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 08-Apr-13 17:52:45

Presumably, the DCs Dad was happy for them to eat what the OP provided - the OP and he have an agreement about the distribution of household responsibilities (one that many wouldn't agree with but it works for them)
If the DCs mum has an issue, then why not take it up with the DCs other parent, rather than someone who was doing her a favour despite feeling under the weather?

Why should the OP continue to put herself out for the DSC mum when she clearly isn't appreciated? If the DCs parents can't/won't care for them, why should the OP fill that gap when the response from one of the parents is criticism rather than thanks?

flurp Mon 08-Apr-13 18:05:24

How hard is it to text and say "sanity seeker is not well so X and Y won't be having a roast today". Then she could have made them a dinner.
If my kids (same ages) had only eaten crisps and sandwiches all day they would be chewing at the furniture when they got home!!!
I wouldn't have sent such a shitty text, that was totally wrong but I can see where she is coming from.
And I also agree that it isn't the OPs responsibility. Her DH should have sorted something out before he swanned off for the afternoon.

Petal02 Mon 08-Apr-13 18:06:26

NADM, you're spot on; in any other walk of life the behaviour of the ex would not be tolerated. And indeed, social norms are definitely suspended for step mothers. It's the ex, and often the step kids, who call the shots.

Pinkshaman Mon 08-Apr-13 18:08:47

I agree - her beef should have been with her ex, not the op. The op hasn't done anything wrong. Sounds to me like both her dp and the ex are taking the piss.

allnewtaketwo Mon 08-Apr-13 18:16:25

Fluro but would the ex be expected to text the NRP if she feeds the children sandwiches/crisps one day instead of a hot meal?

NotaDisneyMum Mon 08-Apr-13 18:26:08

flurp so do you think the OP is being unreasonable to disengage and put a stop to her doing the DSC ironing and providing the Sunday roasts that were solely for the DSC benefit, at the direct request of their Mum?

I think the OPs decision could have been predicted had the DCs mum stopped and thought about it before she sent the text - so either she didn't think, or she was prepared to take the risk. Either way, she has to live with the consequences of her decision to send it.

Petal02 Mon 08-Apr-13 18:29:32

If I were the OP, I would be serving ham sandwiches from now on, and saving the roast til the step kids have gone back to their mothers.

catsmother Mon 08-Apr-13 20:53:10

Jeez - they had sandwiches one weekend ... it really is a non-issue. No-one died, and I guess if said sandwiches left them hungry they would have said and could have then filled up with shock horror more sandwiches, or similarly easy to grab food.

I'd have told the ex to bog off.

And the way the OP and her DH arrange their household - sound like they're both happy with it - isn't the issue here, and needn't be dissected along the lines of "he should have done this" and "she should have done that" just so the ex is kept "happy". While the kids are in the care of their dad - and by extension the OP - which the ex obviously knows about and has been quite happy about for yonks then what goes on - short of actual neglect or cruelty - is nothing to do with her. A normal person, used to their kids coming home with stories of the delicious dinner they've just had every weekend probably wouldn't need to be told that the OP was having an off - they'd have simply assumed it.

FWIW, when I have off days everyone gets the sort of menu TomDudgeon described. So what. There is a certain sort of ex (not all, some) who'll grab onto the most ridiculous thing in order to shit-stir and/or try to exert control. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Pigsmummy Mon 08-Apr-13 21:00:28

Hindsight says that maybe your DH should have told his ex that the children hadn't eaten a hot dinner? I would be stressed if dc were dropped home without having had a meal.

DontmindifIdo Mon 08-Apr-13 21:02:33

OP - you were sick, but your DP went out anyway? What was he doing that was so important? Quite frankly, you sholdn't have been left with his DCs if you wreen't well enough to care for them, he didn't have a good alternative childcare in place so eiher his plans would have to be cancelled or he should have taken them home early.

As for the roast dinner, I think you are quite right to refuse to cook something the EXW insists on, if between exW and your DP they agree they should have a roast each week before returning to their mum, then either he learns how to do it himself (and you can always offer to teach him, not rocket science), or he can take you all out for a pub lunch each week.

Basically as well, both your DP and his ex are taking the piss.

Pinkshaman Mon 08-Apr-13 21:22:01

I'd feel the same about him if there was no ex in the picture. It's not about keeping her happy, it's about a man who thinks its ok to go out and leave a poorly partner to look after your children and still do a drop off.

BruthasTortoise Mon 08-Apr-13 21:36:29

Next time you're feeling ill and you are in sole care of your stepchildren order them a pizza. The same way I, and most mums I know, would do if I were sick. Very few mothers would stand ill to make their children a normal Sunday roast dinner and in most households this would be more than acceptable. I have no problem with certain standards of care being expected from stepparents, I hate when those standards are higher than those expected from the parents. The ex is taking the piss and you'd be well within your rights to tell all concerned that the kitchen of sanityseeker is closed.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Mon 08-Apr-13 21:42:17

You cook a roast because his ex wife asked you to? Fuck that for a game of soliders.

You did the right thing - send them home unshowered and after lunch, let her deal with her kids - stupid cow.

An apart from anything else, there's nothing wrong with ham sandwiches & crisps for tea sometimes - they wont die from not having a hot dinner fgs.

Well, she's shat in her own nest hasn't she - tough luck and if DH utters a WORD give him the 'death stare'.

sanityseeker75 Mon 08-Apr-13 21:49:06

Thanks for the supportive comments people. This is quick reply but I would like to say DH was having to work so wasnt around as sometimes I have to work and he looks after kids, it does happen, just never on a Sunday before. He told ex that he doesn`t question her so she shouldnt question what they are fed here as one off. He was annoyed and hurt on my behalf. He isnt perfect but appreciates what I do for all kids and him.

BriansBrain Mon 08-Apr-13 21:49:45

I don't think you were in the wrong at all op, you were ill!

Why did your DP go out and leave you with DSC (I refuse to type skids for children!) knowing you were unwell?

I would have told her to get knotted if she dared to text me, you sound lovely making sure they are all ready without rushing when they go back to her.

I wouldn't stop doing roasts though, I bet everyone likes the Sunday roast but wouldn't expect one if you are ill.

My DH is great at housework but he could cope with making a meal if needed, roasts are easy.

Snazzynewyear Mon 08-Apr-13 22:11:48

Re 'how hard is it to text to say the kids haven't had a roast' flurp - well, how hard is it to knock up a hot meal from what you have in (e.g. pasta in sauce, jacket spuds, fish fingers and oven chips) if your kids, on one Sunday in 5 years, come home hungry for a full meal? The ex sounds as if she takes the OP's care of her kids for granted in a big way.

OP, think you have got a rough deal here - definitely stick up for yourself next time as well as your DP doing it for you. One thing I would say: you never know when serious illness or disaster can strike and I really think that your DP should know how to make at least a couple of meals to cover that eventuality. Say you ended up in hospital for a couple of weekends - sure, the kids wouldn't starve on ham sandwiches again, but their dad ought to be capable of a bit more for them than that. You say he's good at housework, but I bet you can manage both housework and cooking as required. Don't see it as an either/or.

purpleroses Mon 08-Apr-13 23:16:38

Poor you. sad You're not well. You manage to look after DSC whilst your DP has to work. You get them some perfectly adequate food. But their mum then sends you rude texts and tries to tell you what you should be feeding your household angry I'm not surprised you said you'd never cook for them again!

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