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DSC mum breaking mediation rules

(17 Posts)
dignifiedsilence Sat 30-Mar-13 18:34:09

OH in mediation for access to DC (long story) but the mother keeps breaking the rules. Picking her up early and notifying us on the day and the latest is she wants us to keep DC til Monday but has only said today. Every rule made ie 1 weeks notice has been broken by her and although I don't mind having the DC around it would mean us changing our plans for tomorrow evening. AIBU when my partner has asked me what we should do and I've said no because I am looking forward to our plans tomorrow but we will have her the next Bank Holiday and do something child orientated because then we will have time to plan? Its the same old story where by she has created holy hell when I came on the scene and used my OH as a babysitter.
What do you think?

KirstyoffEastenders Sun 31-Mar-13 17:37:15

Personally I would agree to it because you're getting more time with the children. I know it's annoying to be messed about by his spiteful ex but make the most of the time. We're nowhere near having BF's daughter to even visit the house, let alone stay for a long weekend sad

Dadthelion Sun 31-Mar-13 17:41:28

I'm a single dad. I've never, ever, ever turned down more time with my children, and I have them a lot anyway.

There only little for a short time.

taxiforme Sun 31-Mar-13 18:42:43

I'm with dadthelion on this one.

Thats just the kind of straight talking we need.

I have no kids of my own and sometimes I do an eye rolly thing when my DCs (who are not little anymore) turn up unannounced...oh.. cos I have FAR more important things to do. As if.

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 01-Apr-13 11:29:22

I feel your pain but I would see it as an extra day to enjoy my sc and not give her a second thought. its rare when your old to look back and think hey I wish I spent less time with the children so your dh approach seems the best way to handle

dignifiedsilence Mon 01-Apr-13 12:28:57

Yeah can see where you are all coming from. I am more than happy to have DSC for long periods of time but I think its better that my OH should plan this rather than it be expected of him and contact to be withdrawn when he won't (as has happened so many times). He's not a very good planner so I have put together a list of school holidays for him to take to work and book time off for him to spend quality time with her. If he won't do as he is told by the ex there has always been a price to pay with regards his child and access. Suppose I am trying to help him break that cycle.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 01-Apr-13 13:11:29

I disagree with the majority.

The fundamental principle of mediation is to put the DCs wellbeing first. Your DSD parents agreed, in mediation on a compromise that they both believed is in their DDs best interests.
If mums circumstances have changed so that what was agreed is no longer best for DD then it should be discussed, not changed unilaterally - how can she know if her DD will be better off with the changed arrangements otherwise?

The fact that your DSD parents are in mediation indicates a high-conflict separation - if one party has no intention of sticking to the arrangements that they agree to then a court order is usually the only way of ensuring they the DCs wellbeing is put first.

flurp Mon 01-Apr-13 14:27:27

I disagree too.
Just because you are the NRP doesn't mean that you should be expected to ditch all your own plans at the drop of a hat because the ex wife tells you to.
What is good for dc is forward planning, for them to know where they are going and for how long and not to be messed about.
Or should we never make any plans and be constantly 'on call' for whenever the ex decides that we should see the dsc??

NotaDisneyMum Mon 01-Apr-13 15:06:28

flurp That was certainly true in my DSC case - their Mum only needed DP to have the DCs when she was working, and she would often change shifts with a matter of minutes notice, or turn up a few hours into her shift to pick them up as she was sick, so didn't need DP to have them anymore.

The DCs were all over the place and DSD has since talked to DP about it and said how much she hated it. DP applied for a CO in order to establish some consistency for the DCs - the result was definitely not ideal but far better than what was happening.

ihearsounds Mon 01-Apr-13 15:16:09

Eventually she will grow up, and decide to come and visit on the spur of the moment, because she wants to spend time with dad. Will you turn her away/make her feel unwelcome because it's not the designated day, and your plans are more important?

NotaDisneyMum Mon 01-Apr-13 15:25:35

sounds But that will be child led - and actually, my DP does tell his DD (now 15) that its not convenient to meet her or for her to come round sometimes - he works, socialises and has other commitments, just like his DD has.
They are developing an adult relationship, based on respect for each other. On the occasions when she really needed him as her Dad (for instance after she fled the house when her mum hit her) of course we dropped everything to ensure he could support her - but on a day to day basis, he is not available to her whenever she decides she wants to spend time with him. Neither is her mum (the RP), who also has a job and social life smile,

allnewtaketwo Mon 01-Apr-13 17:52:29

Totally agree NADM, it is entirely inappropriate for an older child/young adult to expe t that a parent drops everything at their whim. Does nothing about developing respect and independence at all. At some points necessary, of course, but not in everyday life

dignifiedsilence Tue 02-Apr-13 08:16:49

Thank you smile some very sound opinions there. There are a lot of complicated dynamics involved when you enter step parenting. She was fishing for something on Friday when she texted OH saying, 'Have you booked any time off in the school holidays.?' Followed up by 'You can keep her til Monday if you want.' Aww isn't she nice offering more time with his child because it suits her? LOL
As a mum myself I believe that structure and routine are detriment to a childs emotional wellbeing. It helps them feel safe and secure. I am quite proud of my OH for saying no to be honest because normally he would just grasp the chance because of how volatile and nasty DSC mother is. To be honest if she hadn't been such a cow about things I would have offered to have her myself if it helps but her mum has ruined any chance of that ever happening.

flurp Tue 02-Apr-13 10:32:54

That pisses me off about DPs ex.
If for any reason she 'allows' him extra time with the DSC, she acts like she is doing him a favour and letting him have something that is hers. Usually it means he has to show his gratitude in some way.
Last time she 'let' him see his dc after school for a few hours when he was working nearby she demanded that he bring them back early the following weekend as he had had 2 hours of 'her' time in the week.
Now whenever she does something nice or offers him extra time we refuse and stick to the CO because she uses it to shaft him one way or another.
Poor kids eh?

Raisingowntomatoes Tue 02-Apr-13 11:04:29

Please let me be a tiny bit smug here and feel welcome to join in any time:

Dsc mum has always been a cold, vindictive person towards dh because he had to gall to leave her (no ow involved at all, just her narc personality), used access to their two dc as weapon to smite him with, when she said jump he asked how high. Tried hard to bankrupt him emotionally and financially etc.

Dsd has moved in with dgps for half a year in an effort to escape her overtly controlling mum, dss has voted with his feet, living 50:50 for now, but planning on fully moving in at some point in the future.
What I'm trying to say is that there is always hope, dc are not stupid and as long as you behave decently, welcome them, and are able to detach when necessary, dsc have at least the chance to observe general decency and unconditional affection at one home and hopefully develop positively.

theredhen Tue 02-Apr-13 11:27:13

Also if a child is an older teen and can come to dads house by themselves, they can also accept that dad might not be there to see them. Life doesn't go on hold for parents who live with their children, I see no reason why step children should be treated differently. Part of growing up is knowing that adults have a life and commitments that aren't just about them.

dignifiedsilence Tue 02-Apr-13 14:18:02

Yeah they do make it feel like they should be grateful. I know we might have different views on this but I am not bending over backwards for DSC no more than I would my own because if I do then she is being treated differently to our other kids and thats not fair. My belief is everyone is number 1 or not at all. We just all have different needs.
I'm hoping for a good outcome for this LO as her siblings have grown up to be nasty and spiteful and completely isolated from their dads and extended families. 1 child in particular believes her mothers lies so much she repeats it and she is 16! I'll just be myself and let the child decide when she is older. I really hope she grows up to be balanced cos if she isn't I'm in for a load of aggro x

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